Nobody Does it Better

One thing that the world needs more of is songs that sound like they're from a James Bond movie soundtrack.

I have three* James Bond** soundtrack songs in my iTunes library: "The World is Not Enough" by Garbage, "A View to a Kill" by Duran Duran, and Chris Cornell's "You Know My Name." They all rock. Well, not "A View to a Kill" so much, but even that one rocks pretty hard for a Duran Duran song.

There are a lot of other memorable James Bond songs, such as Shirley Bassey singing "Goldfinger," Carly Simon's "Nobody Does it Better," and A-Ha's "The Living Daylights." Granted, the A-Ha song is memorably mainly because it was the one thing that kept Timothy Dalton from being the gayest part of that movie, but that's quite a feat in itself. By the way, Dalton and A-Ha continued their collaboration with 1997's The Beautician and the Beast, which A-Ha scored.***

The better James Bond songs are the ones that sound like James Bond songs. In fact, with the franchise's history of disposable directors and casts, the music is often the only thing other than the name ("Bond, James Bond") holding the enterprise together. They changed virtually everything with Casino Royale: Bond is blond, M is a woman, and Felix Leiter is black. But the Chris Cornell song is a classic Bond tune. It's like the producers gave their okay to screw with every sacred cow of the franchise except for the music.

Producer: Wait, so you're saying James Bond gets outsmarted by a woman?
Director: Yes.
Producer: And then he gets poisoned?
Director: Yes.
Producer: And nearly killed?
Director: Yes, the woman who outsmarted him saves his life.
Producer: With a portable defibrillator.
Director: Right.
Producer: Not, like, a wristwatch that fires miniature missiles?
Director: We're not doing any of that stuff in this one. Still, the defibrillator is pretty neat...
Producer: I see. And on page 47... it says James bond is "stripped naked and tied to a seat-less chair..."
Director: Uh huh.
Producer: And then the bad guy "flagellates James Bond's danglies with a knotted rope for ten minutes."
Director: Correct.
Producer: Well, I have one question for you.
Director: Yes?
Producer: Are we going to be able to do the jangly guitar bit in the theme song? Because I love that bit.

There must be some kind of formula for writing these songs. A few of them were written by the performing artist, but most of them seem to be collaborations or written entirely by studio musicians. One name that comes up a lot is "Don Black," who gets partial credit for "You Know My Name," "The World is Not Enough," "Thunderball," and several others. "Ah," I thought as I came across this information in Wikipedia, "This mysterious Don Black must be the one who James Bondifies these songs." A little dramatic percussion here, some violins over there, and voila! You've made an ordinary pop song into a James Bong Song.

But here's the weird thing: According to the infallible Wikipedia, Don Black is an "English lyricist." He seems to have nothing to do with the proper insertion of piccolos into songs; all he does is write the words. So not only does his involvement not explain how songs are James Bondified, it also implies that Chris Cornell needed help to write lyrics like this:

If you take a life do you know what you'll give?
Odds are, you won't like what it is
When the storm arrives, would you be seen with me?
By the merciless eyes of deceit?

Only a professionally trained "English lyricist" would think to use the phrase "odds are" in that context (because, you see, the movie is about gambling). Sense the dualism of the first line. Sense the awkward phrasing of the second. Sense the nonsensical question of the third.

Do not attempt to write such weighty lyrics without the assistance of a professional lyricist, Chris Cornell! Your past string of twenty-eight different hit songs with fourteen different bands will not help you now! You may fancy yourself a competent lyricist, Mr. Cornell, but know this: If Don Black had written "I Am the Highway," he would have been the the rolling wheels, the carpet ride AND the sky. Because that's how Don Black rolls.

The legendary Don Black's sure hand is also evident in "The Man With the Golden Gun," which contains the following gem:

One golden shot means another poor victim,
Has come to a glittering end,
For a price, he'll erase anyone
The man with the golden gun.
His eye may be on you or me.
Who will he bang?
We shall see. Oh yeah!

A line like "Who will he bang?" could have gone horribly wrong in the hands of a lesser lyricist, but Don Black is the master of the double entendre. Bravo, Don!

Not surprisingly, Maestro Black had nothing to do with Madonna's "Die Another Day," which starts:

I'm gonna wake up, yes and no
I'm gonna kiss some part of
I'm gonna keep this secret
I'm gonna close my body now

You see how she forgot to finish her sentence in the second line? That's the sort of mistake that would be caught by a Professional Lyricist. As for the fourth line, I'm betting that 7-11 closes before Madonna.

I don't understand why more people don't write James Bondified songs. Why do we have to wait for a new Bond flick to come out to hear an overwrought pop song with an orchestral backing that links sex with death through clumsy metaphors? Has the James Bondification process been trademarked by MGM? Do the songs have to be run through a special James Bondifier machine to which only the studio heads have access?

The undeniable talent of Don Black notwithstanding, writing the lyrics can't be the stumbling block. I mean, if Madonna can do it... You see my point.

Maybe I should take a shot at writing some James Bond lyrics. Ooh, that's it! "Take a Shot"! That will be my motif.

"Take Another Shot"
by Diesel

Don't wait for me darling
I'm not going to come
Just let me hold onto
Your big heavy gun

Go ahead and do it
No I really don't mind
The touch of your fluid
At the base of my spine

My agent once told me
This was my last and best shot
But after take twenty-three
It's an unpleasant spot

Take another shot
Take another shot
Take another shot, oh
Take another shot

That's all I have so far, but I want someone to come up with some music before I put any more effort into it. This lyric writing is hard work.

By the way, I just found out that the theme song for the upcoming Quantum of Solace is going to be "Another Way to Die," by one Jack White (the talented half of the White Stripes). I have high hopes for it, despite the fact that he has evidently opted to forgo the assistance of the legendary Don Black. And it seems like it would have been such a perfect pairing, too: Black and White. That's dualism, baby. Kapow!


*Four, if you count the Guns 'n' Roses cover of "Live and Let Die," which I think you should. It's not the version used for the movie, but any Guns 'n' Roses cover automatically becomes the definitive version of a song. I mean, does anybody intentionally listen to the Bob Dylan version of "Knocking on Heaven's Door" any more? Does anybody even remember that that was originally a Bob Dylan song? Say what you want about Axl Rose, but if Guns 'n' Roses covered the national anthem, in three weeks people would be calling it "that Guns 'n' Roses song they play before baseball games." That's how good they are.
**I keep accidentally typing "James Bong," which would be an awesome name for a comedy about a stoner secret agent.
***There is a pretty good chance this is a ridiculous lie.

If you enjoyed this post, may I also recommend: Join me at BlogCatalog