Sock Drawer

Yes, it's time once again to clean out the disorganized sock drawer of my mind. First, though, I want to say thanks to everybody who voted for my posts recently at Humor-Blogs.com. I'm back on top, baby! Feel free to chuck a smiley in the general direction of this post too if you feel so inclined. And now, on to the sock drawer....

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They say that a cockroach can live on a raisin for a month. So I'd say that your best bet is to just get another raisin.

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In the fridges at work they have both Coke Zero and Pepsi One. Supposedly, Coke Zero has zero calories and Pepsi One has one. I can't really taste the difference, so I end up trying to decide which one to get based on how hungry I am. "Am I just thirsty," I ask myself, "or am I craving a calorie?"

I understand the zero calorie thing, but I don't get the rationale of marketing a soda that has one calorie. Did the Pepsi guys pull all-nighters for like three weeks and then finally give up, unable to purge Pepsi of that last calorie? What's the margin of error with calorie counting anyway? Does Pepsi One really have one more calorie than Coke Zero, or are the Coke guys just rounding down?

My guess is that it's a psychological ploy on the part of Pepsi. Zero calorie sodas have been around for probably 30 years, but somehow saying that a beverage has only one calorie makes it sound like you worked really hard to get down to that level. It's like those labels on antibacterial soap that say "Kills 99.97% of germs." It sounds so much more impressive than "kills germs," even if smallpox happens to be in the .03%.

My theory that people are more impressed by the idea of a soda having one calorie was confirmed recently. I was drinking a Pepsi One when my ditch-digger stopped by. "Does that really have just one calorie in it?" He asked. "Yeah," I said. "But I'm on a diet, so I drink it real slow so the calorie settles on the bottom."

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Remember when you were a kid and your mom would always tell you not to eat right before dinner because you'd "spoil your appetite"? I don't understand why this idea hasn't taken off in dieting circles. I'm going to buy some late-night infomercial time and start promoting the Spoil Your Appetite Diet. I'll sell a kit consisting of the Spoil Your Appetite booklet and twenty of those Frito-Lay variety packs.

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Was there ever an episode of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. where he was put in a headlock and given noogies until he said the name of the organization he worked for?

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A few days ago I drove past a car that had a cleaning service logo plastered across it. At the bottom of the ad was the text "We will clean your house for less than you can imagine." This puzzled me, because my imagination doesn't really work like that. I don't have a problem imagining very small numbers. Like four. I'm imagining four right now. Will you clean my house for four?

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Would you rather see a movie starring Jack Black with music by Jack White, or see a movie starring Jack White with music by Jack Black? Discuss.

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I'll leave you with a lesson that I learned recently: There is no universal hand gesture that you can use to communicate to the motorcyclist in the lane next to you, "All of the shit is flying out of your backpack." I think we as a society should really get on that.

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