While I'm on hiatus, working on the new version of Humor-Blogs.com, please enjoy this classic post from the Mattress Police archives.
All Hail Goat Head
Recently I wrote about how my yard is infested with a satanic weed known as Goat Head. It occurs to me now that my characterization of this plant may have been a little unfair. The fact is that Goat Head is an integral part of the ecosystem in this area. Every living thing in creation has a purpose, and the purpose of Goat Head is to rule with a great fiery sword over the Infernal Dominion of Demon Weeds.
In case you missed my previous post about Goat Head, here he is now:
I know, he doesn't look that bad, but when you step on him it feels like this:
And don't get me started on what he can do to your tires.
Legend has it that Goat Head came into being when Cerberus, the three-headed demon dog, humped Satan's leg. Some of Cerberus' demon seed dripped off Satan's ankle and landed on Satan's Area Rug -- also known as the California Central Valley -- and Goat Head was born.
Goat Head gathered strength from the ungodly Central Valley heat and, unlike non-Satanic vegetation, did not require water to survive. Rather than using the energy of the sun to convert carbon dioxide and water into sugar, Goat Head used the energy of hate to transform hope into fear, joy into sorrow, and puppies into sugar. Goat Head laughed at 110 degree heat and chortled at dry, cracked earth. He was also mildly amused by fire, although it did tend to get old after a while. Soon Goat Head was strong enough to raise up for himself an army of demon-weed minions.
First he spawned his lieutenant, Stinging Nettle. Stinging Nettle looks like this:
Stinging Nettle's leaves are coated with microscopic protrusions that irritate the skin. Magnified 1000 times, they look like this:
There are many lesser demon-weeds, such as Foxtail, shown here:
Again, it doesn't look very threatening, but magnify it ten thousand times and you can see that it's made up of demons with the face of Pauly Shore.
Sorry about the nightmares, by the way.
Fortunately, I have found a way to live in harmony with the demon-weed population by carefully introducing the demon-weed's natural predator, Roundup(TM). I doubt I'll ever win the fight against the demon-weed hordes, but with the help of concentrated poisons I may at least be able to make the infestation seem relatively innocuous by dying slowly of cancer.
Cancer, by the way, looks like this:
That's right, cancer is a big, scary clown with the face of David Hasselhoff.
Recently I wrote about how my yard is infested with a satanic weed known as Goat Head. It occurs to me now that my characterization of this plant may have been a little unfair. The fact is that Goat Head is an integral part of the ecosystem in this area. Every living thing in creation has a purpose, and the purpose of Goat Head is to rule with a great fiery sword over the Infernal Dominion of Demon Weeds.
In case you missed my previous post about Goat Head, here he is now:
I know, he doesn't look that bad, but when you step on him it feels like this:
And don't get me started on what he can do to your tires.
Legend has it that Goat Head came into being when Cerberus, the three-headed demon dog, humped Satan's leg. Some of Cerberus' demon seed dripped off Satan's ankle and landed on Satan's Area Rug -- also known as the California Central Valley -- and Goat Head was born.
Goat Head gathered strength from the ungodly Central Valley heat and, unlike non-Satanic vegetation, did not require water to survive. Rather than using the energy of the sun to convert carbon dioxide and water into sugar, Goat Head used the energy of hate to transform hope into fear, joy into sorrow, and puppies into sugar. Goat Head laughed at 110 degree heat and chortled at dry, cracked earth. He was also mildly amused by fire, although it did tend to get old after a while. Soon Goat Head was strong enough to raise up for himself an army of demon-weed minions.
First he spawned his lieutenant, Stinging Nettle. Stinging Nettle looks like this:
Stinging Nettle's leaves are coated with microscopic protrusions that irritate the skin. Magnified 1000 times, they look like this:
There are many lesser demon-weeds, such as Foxtail, shown here:
Again, it doesn't look very threatening, but magnify it ten thousand times and you can see that it's made up of demons with the face of Pauly Shore.
Sorry about the nightmares, by the way.
Fortunately, I have found a way to live in harmony with the demon-weed population by carefully introducing the demon-weed's natural predator, Roundup(TM). I doubt I'll ever win the fight against the demon-weed hordes, but with the help of concentrated poisons I may at least be able to make the infestation seem relatively innocuous by dying slowly of cancer.
Cancer, by the way, looks like this:
That's right, cancer is a big, scary clown with the face of David Hasselhoff.
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Labels: Best of MP
| posted by Diesel at Wednesday, September 24, 2008 |
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