Welcome to this special edition of Mattress Police - Antisocial Commentary. Recently we have seen the dollar gaining on foreign currencies and gas prices falling sharply, while the economy grows at a rate of 3.9% and interest rates remain historically low. As you'll know if you watch The News(TM), all these factors point to an inevitable FINANCIAL MELTDOWN.
To guide and reassure you during these difficult times, I will be answering your questions regarding our economic situation. Well, not your questions, because I haven't really taken the time to fully assess the situation and I frankly don't care what you think, but here are some questions.
Things don't really seem that bad. Are we really in a financial crisis?
Oh hells yeah we are. Nobody is loaning money to anybody for anything any more. Our whole economy is built on credit. If nothing is done, all business will come to a screeching halt. There will be mass unemployment, breadlines, a resurgence in ragtime music, flappers running through the street, etc.
What is a 'flapper'?
A flapper is a fish-like creature that is roughly the size of a Chinese soccer ball. It has human-like legs that it uses to run through the streets during times of economic crisis.
Are you saying that the flapper's legs are each like a human, or that it has legs resembling those of a human?
You and I both know that this isn't really what you want to ask. You're concerned about the impending FINANCIAL MELTDOWN and you are feigning interest in giant amphibious fish in order to distract yourself from your shrinking 401(k) fund.
Ok, then answer me this: Are you saying that even an established company that is trying to borrow money to build a new manufacturing plant won't be able to get a loan?
Let me put it this way: Recently there was a report that McDonald's had to delay putting cappuccino machines in its restaurants because it couldn't get a loan. McDonald's. Who wouldn't loan money to McDonald's?
What kind of interest rate are we talking?
Maybe eight, nine percent.
Hey, that's pretty good. It sure beats losing 10% in the stock market overnight. Can you put me in touch with the guys at McDonald's who want to borrow money? I've got about eight hundred bucks left in my IRA that I'd be willing to loan them.
I think you're missing the point. Lenders are hoarding their cash, putting it all in t-bills rather than loaning it to companies like McDonald's. They're afraid of not getting their money back, so they're putting it in the safest place they know of: the U.S. Government. But if everybody does that, then economic growth will stop. That's why we need a massive bailout.
You mean to give people the confidence they need in the basic soundness of the economy to start lending again?
No, to undermine the financial solvency of the U.S. government by taking on fantastic new amounts of debt. If we spend enough money on this bailout, the U.S. will be on the verge of bankruptcy and no one will dare to buy government bonds any more.
And then loaning money to businesses starts to sound like a pretty attractive alternative! That's brilliant!
Thank you. Also, the dollar will crash, making our products cheaper in other countries, which also helps our economy.
Neat!
Yeah, and the really cool part comes when we decide to default on all our debts, thereby destroying China.
It sounds like this $700 billion bailout is just what the doctor ordered! Is there any downside?
Virtually none, thanks to the Progeny Proximity Principle, or PPP.
What is the PPP?
It's the principle that people care exponentially less for the fate of each succeeding generation of their offspring. For example, let's say that you care about your own child about 70% as much as you care about yourself. Generally, you will then care about your grandchildren about 70% of 70%, or 49% as much as you care about yourself. By the time you get to your great-great-great-grandchildren, you care about them about as much as you do about, say, the average Peruvian or Lithuanian. Which is to say, you don't really give a shit about them. And those people -- those nameless, faceless distant offspring of yours -- are going to be the ones who have to pay back the $700 billion, plus interest.
Gee, you're right! I totally don't give a shit.
Nobody does. It's what makes our economy work.
How much is $700 billion anyway? I can't really wrap my brain around that number.
With $700 billion, you could buy Venus.
The planet?
Yes.
Wow.
Or imagine that somebody invents a machine that can make you live forever, but each additional year costs you a billion dollars. If you had $700 billion, you could live for 700 years, plus however long you were going to live anyway. So, like, 780 years maybe, if you're not a smoker.
Wow. But then I might live to meet my great-great-great grandchildren, and I'd have to explain to them what I did with their money.
Yes, but then you can remind them that you fought for their freedom in the war.
What war?
Whatever war they haven't studied yet in history. And if you get really desperate, you could always sell Venus.
Yeah, I would probably need that $700 billion back.
$700 billion! Wake up, pal. Venus isn't worth what it used to be. You'd be lucky to get $350 billion for that ball of rock.
Wow, interplanetary real estate has really taken a dive.
Only in some areas. Personally, I'm wishing I had grabbed Uranus when I had the chance.
To guide and reassure you during these difficult times, I will be answering your questions regarding our economic situation. Well, not your questions, because I haven't really taken the time to fully assess the situation and I frankly don't care what you think, but here are some questions.
Things don't really seem that bad. Are we really in a financial crisis?
Oh hells yeah we are. Nobody is loaning money to anybody for anything any more. Our whole economy is built on credit. If nothing is done, all business will come to a screeching halt. There will be mass unemployment, breadlines, a resurgence in ragtime music, flappers running through the street, etc.
What is a 'flapper'?
A flapper is a fish-like creature that is roughly the size of a Chinese soccer ball. It has human-like legs that it uses to run through the streets during times of economic crisis.
Are you saying that the flapper's legs are each like a human, or that it has legs resembling those of a human?
You and I both know that this isn't really what you want to ask. You're concerned about the impending FINANCIAL MELTDOWN and you are feigning interest in giant amphibious fish in order to distract yourself from your shrinking 401(k) fund.
Ok, then answer me this: Are you saying that even an established company that is trying to borrow money to build a new manufacturing plant won't be able to get a loan?
Let me put it this way: Recently there was a report that McDonald's had to delay putting cappuccino machines in its restaurants because it couldn't get a loan. McDonald's. Who wouldn't loan money to McDonald's?
What kind of interest rate are we talking?
Maybe eight, nine percent.
Hey, that's pretty good. It sure beats losing 10% in the stock market overnight. Can you put me in touch with the guys at McDonald's who want to borrow money? I've got about eight hundred bucks left in my IRA that I'd be willing to loan them.
I think you're missing the point. Lenders are hoarding their cash, putting it all in t-bills rather than loaning it to companies like McDonald's. They're afraid of not getting their money back, so they're putting it in the safest place they know of: the U.S. Government. But if everybody does that, then economic growth will stop. That's why we need a massive bailout.
You mean to give people the confidence they need in the basic soundness of the economy to start lending again?
No, to undermine the financial solvency of the U.S. government by taking on fantastic new amounts of debt. If we spend enough money on this bailout, the U.S. will be on the verge of bankruptcy and no one will dare to buy government bonds any more.
And then loaning money to businesses starts to sound like a pretty attractive alternative! That's brilliant!
Thank you. Also, the dollar will crash, making our products cheaper in other countries, which also helps our economy.
Neat!
Yeah, and the really cool part comes when we decide to default on all our debts, thereby destroying China.
It sounds like this $700 billion bailout is just what the doctor ordered! Is there any downside?
Virtually none, thanks to the Progeny Proximity Principle, or PPP.
What is the PPP?
It's the principle that people care exponentially less for the fate of each succeeding generation of their offspring. For example, let's say that you care about your own child about 70% as much as you care about yourself. Generally, you will then care about your grandchildren about 70% of 70%, or 49% as much as you care about yourself. By the time you get to your great-great-great-grandchildren, you care about them about as much as you do about, say, the average Peruvian or Lithuanian. Which is to say, you don't really give a shit about them. And those people -- those nameless, faceless distant offspring of yours -- are going to be the ones who have to pay back the $700 billion, plus interest.
Gee, you're right! I totally don't give a shit.
Nobody does. It's what makes our economy work.
How much is $700 billion anyway? I can't really wrap my brain around that number.
With $700 billion, you could buy Venus.
The planet?
Yes.
Wow.
Or imagine that somebody invents a machine that can make you live forever, but each additional year costs you a billion dollars. If you had $700 billion, you could live for 700 years, plus however long you were going to live anyway. So, like, 780 years maybe, if you're not a smoker.
Wow. But then I might live to meet my great-great-great grandchildren, and I'd have to explain to them what I did with their money.
Yes, but then you can remind them that you fought for their freedom in the war.
What war?
Whatever war they haven't studied yet in history. And if you get really desperate, you could always sell Venus.
Yeah, I would probably need that $700 billion back.
$700 billion! Wake up, pal. Venus isn't worth what it used to be. You'd be lucky to get $350 billion for that ball of rock.
Wow, interplanetary real estate has really taken a dive.
Only in some areas. Personally, I'm wishing I had grabbed Uranus when I had the chance.
| If you enjoyed this post, may I also recommend: Find more funny blogs at Humor-Blogs.com |
| posted by Diesel at Monday, October 06, 2008 |
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