The Elements of Spam
 If you're like me, you can't open your email without being bombarded by dozens of solicitations for products purporting to augment your physical, mental, or financial well-being. And if you have a phenomenally successful blog like this one, you're probably familiar with comment spam as well. Lately I've even been subjected to a relatively new phenomenon: referral log spam. Spammers refer dummy traffic to your site, assuming that you'll check out their site in order to see where the traffic is coming from. I can deal with all of these flavors of spam; I figure it's part of the cost of living in a free society. But lately a particularly insidious form of spam has come to my attention -- one that threatens to undermine the scientific foundations of our high tech society. I'm speaking, my friends, of element spam. If you haven't taken a look at the Periodic Table of the Elements lately, you're in for a bit of a shock. Here's what it currently looks like:  Look at all that crap! I mean Niobium? We're supposed to believe that's an actual element? And Scandium? Seriously? There are dozens of these garbage elements on there. Seaborgium, Rutherfordium, Yttrium.... What a mess. I've taken the liberty of marking the elements that are clearly spam. This took me like two minutes, and I'm not even a scientist.  It's like half spam! Antimony? I'm pretty sure that's a synonym for an ugly divorce, not a chemical element. And germanium? I made that word up. And now somehow it's made its way onto the Periodic Table? It was a joke, people! If you'd like to see how bad things have gotten, this is what the Periodic Table looked like when my parents were kids:  They only had four elements, and they could still make pretty much everything they needed! I mean, they didn't have plastic or uranium, so they couldn't make cell phones, but that didn't keep them from beating the Nazis in World War II. It just took a few days for people back home to hear about it because they couldn't just text LS PWNED XS LOL! to their friends in the States. Look, I'm no Luddite. I understand that we need cadmium to make cell phone batteries and lithium to treat our bipolar rock stars. But zirconium? Since when are we letting the Home Shopping Network add new elements? What really grinds my gears is those newly discovered "elements" at the bottom that don't even have names. I mean, "Unnamed Discovery 1994"? Please. If that was a real element, somebody would have named it. I have the perfect name for a strange substance that inexplicably appeared in 1994: Ace of Base. I did some research to verify my suspicion that a lot of those "elements" on the bottom of the chart are spam. According to Wikipedia, "californium" has a half life of 44 minutes. For you non-scientific types, that means that once you take a bowl of californium out of the fridge, you have 88 minutes to work with it before it goes completely bad. And my guess is that it starts to smell pretty funky after about 70 minutes.  88 minutes! Even that crappy Al Pacino movie lasted 108 minutes. Hell, Viva Laughlin lasted longer than 88 minutes. Can you imagine being a scientist sitting down to do some experiments with californium, getting an important call on your uranium-powered cell phone, and then coming back to find that your californium is all hard and brown (or whatever happens to californium when it goes bad)? At $27 million per gram, that would be the most expensive cell phone call since the time Martha Stewart had that little five minute catch-up with her broker. (Because californium has such a low "critical mass," there is even talk of using it to make "pocket nukes." Supposedly they haven't made any yet because each bomb would cost about $100 billion, but I'm guessing the chief argument against it is more along the lines of "You want me to put what in my pocket?")  So here are some new rules: 1. For a substance to qualify as an element, it has to outlive the theatrical run of From Justin to Kelly. 2. It has to have a name, and not just some silly made up name like Americium or Einsteinium. 3. It can't be basically the same thing as an already existing element. (That's right, aluminum. I'm talking to you. Or should I say "tin"?) 4. Fourth, it can't be a fictional element from a comic book, like Krypton, Vibranium or Vanadium. I mean, I love D&D as much as the next guy, but even I know that "platinum" isn't real. 5. It can't be a flowering plant, like Alyssium, Rhodium or Lanthanum. 6. It can't be something created merely for commercial purposes, like zirconium or helium. (What's next? Techron? Retsyn?) If we do a one time purge of all the obviously fake elements and then put in place a strict element spam filter, I think we should be able to keep the table down to 20 or 30 really solid elements. Well, some of them will be gases, but you know what I mean. I call upon all members of the Mattress Police Institute for the Advancement of Scientific Missions of Awesomeness (M.I.A.S.M.A., the 'P' is silent) to assist me in ridding our tables of spam, from antimony to zirconium. Together we can show these spammers that we've got their atomic number.  Labels: Nonsense
Vote!
Evidently I did a pretty good job on this week's photo, as a few of you seemed genuinely confused about how much of that body was mine. Sadly, not much.  I'm not quite that buff in real life, and I actually have Hello Kitty tattooed on my elbows.  Anyway, here are this week's finalists: Glacial Spain said... Fat Guy: "...and then I reached over, put my hand in his crotch and said, and you're raunchy, too, aren't you?!" CrummyJoel said... "Sorry, guys...I accidentally "made it happen" in my pants." Wendy said... Diesel squealed when Chris, the professional costume designer, promised to make Grundir a fur-trimmed, Hobbit-skin cape. Brad said... As always, the local gay biker gang - "Squeals on Wheels" - found time for a laugh... Poke said... And this is how I twist my head off. Stephanie said... OMG! Ricky Gervais? You look like you've gained 50 pounds! BRWombat said... My car has a clitoris, but I have NO idea what to do with it. Collin said... The actors tried hard, but Mannequin CSI just wasn't as good. Acorn King said... So then he had the audacity to ask if he could borrow my Bedazzler! wyo said... Aghast that anyone could possibly think the tattoos on his elbows resembled nipples, Diesel unwittingly assumed a position that only more graphically illustrated the resemblance. As usual, the winner gets to display the In Your Face award. I'd give you a copy of my book as well, but I actually sold them all! Thanks for your orders, everybody. I'll get them in the mail tomorrow. Labels: Caption Contest Poll
Sock Drawer
 You lucky bastards. You must have been really good to deserve another sock drawer post already. Like, you must have totally signed up at BlogCatalog and gave my blog glowing reviews and stuff. You guys rock! If you keep this up, pretty soon this is going to be the number one mattress-related blog on BlogCatalog. Foam Mattress Central, you are going down! ---------- When the Apollo 11 guys went to the moon, do you think they knew that they were raising the bar for everyone from that point on? I mean, do you think they still would have done it if they had known that everybody was going to start saying, "We put a man on the moon but we can't [do something completely unrelated to putting a man on the moon]?"  I bet it's particularly bad for Neil Armstrong. His wife is probably like, "We can put a man on the moon, but just try to get him to separate his whites from his colors." And Neil Armstrong is like, "Baby, all I did is climb a ladder. The dudes at mission control took care of everything else." And his wife is like, "Yeah, you couldn't even get your one historic line right." And Neil Armstrong is like, "What does woman mean? Man said line perfect!" What if that mission had failed? Would everybody be saying, "Well, it's no wonder we can't [cure cancer/find Osama Bin Laden/stop Britney Spears from reproducing]; we can't even put a man on the moon!" What did people say before the moon landing? "We've sent men to Antarctica, and not all of them died, so I say we get started on trying to transmit music through frequency modulation!" ---------- The other day I was looking for some shorts at Target. I found a pair I liked, but they had some scuffing on them so I tried to find another pair like them. The next pair had the identical scuffing. I eventually realized that they were all like that. The shorts had been precisely pre-scuffed at the shorts factory. How lazy have we become as a society that we can no longer be bothered to scuff our our shorts? Can you imagine explaining that concept to someone from the Third World? "No, they're not old, but we sometimes make our brand new clothes look old because we like the way they look. We give our old, worn clothes away to stores that sell them to people who can't afford brand new, professionally scuffed clothing." I wonder if this trend will spread to other products. I think it would be cool to buy a professionally pre-dented Lexus, for example. Or maybe underwear with the skidmarks already in them, so I don't have to do it myself. ---------- According to the Bible, Methuselah lived to the age of 969. I would think life would really start to drag after a few hundred years. I wonder if he went through a mid-life crisis when he was around 500. You know, bought a really fast camel and started dating 300-year-olds. ----------  I'm always impressed with the knots that people tie in movies when they hang themselves. No matter how screwed up they are, they always manage to tie a perfect noose knot. And I don't think they teach that one in the Boy Scouts. It makes me wonder how many times these people have done it before. I don't think I would kill myself like that. Too much pressure. I'd be worried about people laughing at my lousy knot. "Can you believe this idiot hanged himself with a modified midshipman's hitch? What a dumbass." ---------- Sometime I'd like to see a concert with Nickelback, Daughtry and Three Doors Down. It's not that I particularly like them, but I'd like some independent confirmation that they're not all the same band. ---------- Mrs. Diesel and I were watching TV yesterday when a character said something that I couldn't quite make out. I turned to my wife and said, "What did he say?" She said, "It sounded like 'David Hockey.'" I said, "Yeah, that's what I thought, but that doesn't make any sense." She said, "Yeah, I know." I said, "You know, if we're at the point in our relationship where we're both mis-hearing things the same way, there really isn't any added value for me." "What are you saying?" "I think we should see other people." Labels: Sock Drawer
Caption Contest: Project Runway
As a paragon of manliness, I cannot admit to ever willingly having watched Project Runway. Even the presence of megababe Heidi Klum cannot balance out the unprecedented gayosity of that show. Still, here I am with a couple of the early contestants, expressing something about something. You know the rules. Submit your caption in the comments. I'll post the ten best ones in a poll on Tuesday. The winner will get to display the In Your Face award, and MIGHT get a copy of my book, IF there are any copies left. (Did I mention that today is your last chance to buy one for $9.95?) I'm trying out a new word verification thingy in my commenting app, so let me know if it gives you any trouble. You can email me at diesel --at-- mattresspolice.com. Make it work! Labels: Caption Contest
Thursday Shout-Out
Some links for your edutainment: - Sinister Dan tells you how to blog, and more importantly, why. Also where, I think.
- Rickey Henderson provides a well-thought-out review that actually makes me tempted to rethink my preference for Batman Begins over The Dark Knight. I still think Tim Burton is kind of a tool though.
- Chris at Angry Seafood also wrote a review of The Dark Knight. "Well-thought-out" doesn't spring to mind, but he sure pissed off some chiroptophiles. Make sure you read the comments.
- Joel tells us how to know if we're in the clutches of Satan.
In other news, remember that Friday is the last day to get a signed copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary, at the rock bottom price of $9.95 with free shipping. That's a savings of $5. Seriously, this is it. My wife won't let me give away any more of them, so you'd better just buy it.  "But what if $9.95 is still too much for me to spend?" You say. "I mean, I want to support the Mattress Police and all the good pro-Huey Lewis work they are doing, but I'm on a fixed income. Is there anything I can do to help?" Why yes, friend, there is. You can go to BlogCatalog and join my neighborhood. Don't have a blog? No problem! Just click here and sign up. Seriously, it will take you like 10 seconds. If you're a fellow blogger, click here and you can get your blog listed as well. Why do I want you to do this? Well, this may surprise you, but there are literally hundreds of people here in North America and its outlying continents who have never heard of this blog. By signing up at BlogCatalog, you can help spread the word. So sign up, join my neighborhood, rate my blog and leave me a nice comment. The more of you who do this, the more prominently my blog will appear in their listings. That means more readers for this blog, which means that I may be able to convince a publisher to take a chance on my crazy novel about a ping-pong-playing angel, which increases your chance, as a loyal reader, of getting an autographed copy of said novel. Ok? So just do it. Seriously, do it. Don't make me beg. I can cancel the caption contest for this Friday if it will free up the time you need to sign up. Okay, I wouldn't do that, but I could. See what you've done? You've provoked me into making idle threats. This demeans both of us. I think I've said enough. If I haven't convinced you by now, then I never will. But seriously, do it. Labels: Blogging, Shout-Outs
Anything Cool Happening?
Have you ever known someone who had their own catch phrase, like a sitcom character? I know, it sounds like fun, but it's not. It's really not. I have a coworker who says, every time I see him, "Anything cool happening?" This probably wouldn't bother most people. Most people probably wouldn't even notice. But here's something you need to know about me: I have this weird, admittedly irrational fear of stock phrases. I'm guessing that writers who read this will know what I mean. It jars me, for example, when I hear a phrase like "With all due respect, sir..." or "You just don't get it, do you?!" in an otherwise respectable movie or TV show. Does anyone ever say either of those things in real life? Somebody needs to write up a handbook of Phrases Script Writers Should Avoid Copying from Other TV Shows. It's a sort of paranoia, I suppose, the feeling like you're being boxed in by Hot enough for ya?s, What's the word?s and TGIFs. It bugs the hell out of me when people pepper their speech with empty phrases. So it's not entirely this guy's fault that his greeting grates on me, but it seems like I spend all day trying to avoid "low hanging fruit" and "boiling the ocean", so when someone threatens to introduce a new stock phrase into the lexicon, the hairs prick up on the back of my neck.* "Anything cool happening?" I grit my teeth every time I hear it. I feel like a test subject for a new catch phrase the universe's producers are trying out. If I react incorrectly, it might get written into every scene I have with this character, like people yelling "Norm!" at the beginning of Cheers. I can't let it freak me out, but neither can I respond with some snappy comeback. And the worst possible thing to do would be to settle into a routine response, like "Not around these parts." Blech. All I need is for that insipid exchange to catch on across the country. What I end up doing, not so much by design as by default, is hemming and hawing and generally putting far too much thought into answering a stupid, pointless question. Which may actually be the best thing to do, because nothing forestalls insipid questions like drawn out, uncomfortable, and overly self-conscious responses. "Uh..." I say. "I, uh, dunno. I guess, not really. Too much. Happening. So, um, what about you. How are you doing?" It wouldn't be so bad if that was the end of the exchange, but then he starts in with other predictable questions. He loves getting burritos from a place near our office, so the next thing he asks (because I usually saunter in around 11:15 a.m.) is "Ready for a burrito?" On the plus side, "Ready for a burrito?" probably isn't going to be the next catch phrase sweeping the nation. On the negative side, this is what lawyers call a "complex question," like "Have you stopped beating your wife yet?" If I answer with a simple "no," the predictable follow-up will be "So... when will you be ready?" As a result, the conversation goes like this: Burrito Boy: Ready for a burrito?
Diesel: Not sure I want a burrito today.
Burrito Boy: Oh man, those burritos are awesome.
Diesel: Yep. They're pretty good.
Burrito Boy: Pretty good? They're awesome.
Diesel: ...
Burrito Boy: You don't like those burritos?
Diesel: I like them. Just not every day.
Burrito Boy: What would you rather have than a burrito? A sandwich?
Diesel: Maybe.
Burrito Boy: What kind of sandwich, peanut butter and jelly?
Diesel: No. Maybe ham.
Burrito Boy: Oh man, you'd take ham over a burrito? Those burritos are awesome. No joke, I've had some version of this conversation at least eight times. And with my irrational fear of accidentally falling into a scripted conversation, I feel obligated to change my lines up a bit each time, so that once again I end up putting far too much thought into an unavoidably insipid conversation, while he spews prefabricated speech, Teddy Ruxpin-like, in my direction. And it's not just lunch, either. We've had essentially that same conversation about breeding dogs, getting root beer floats, camping out for the new iPhone, and I don't know how many other subjects. If he weren't so sincere and innocent looking, I'd swear he was f---ing with me. For example, there was this one: Burrito Boy: How much land do you have?
Diesel: Ten acres.
Burrito Boy: Wow, you could breed dogs.
Diesel: Why would I want to breed dogs?
Burrito Boy: You can make a lot of money breeding dogs.
Diesel: I don't like dogs. I'm not really an animal person.
Burrito Boy: Yeah, but think of all the money you could make.
Diesel: Not enough to justify having to deal with a bunch of annoying dogs.
Burrito Boy: You don't like dogs?
Diesel: I don't hate them, but I wouldn't want a bunch of them around.
Burrito Boy: But think of how much money you could make. And this one: Burrito Boy: You gonna camp out to get one of the new iPhones?
Diesel: No.
Burrito Boy: You don't want an iPhone?
Diesel: No.
Burrito Boy: Why don't you want an iPhone? Those things are sweet.
Diesel: ...
Burrito Boy: I think you should camp out to get one. I was actually rather proud of my showing in the root beer float conversation. I managed to sidetrack the discussion pretty well before it resumed its inevitable course. Burrito Boy: Wanna get a root beer float?
Diesel: Where are you going to get a root beer float?
Burrito Boy: There's root beer and ice cream.
Diesel: Is it ice cream or frozen yogurt?
Burrito Boy: I'm not sure. It's what they usually have. Is that ice cream or yogurt?
Diesel: Dunno.
Burrito Boy: Ok, well, if it was ice cream, would you have one?
Diesel: No, I don't like root beer floats.
Burrito Boy: You don't like root beer floats? Oh man, root beer floats are awesome.
And in case you're wondering why I'm not concerned that Burrito Boy might read this, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know the name of my blog. It's not like I keep it a secret, but it doesn't come up much in conversations that revolve around food, breeding dogs, iPhones, or whatever else he's trying to sell me on. Being a fellow programmer, he runs some kind of social networking site (similar, but inferior to, Humor-Blogs.com), which also sometimes serves as the Mad Lib fodder in our discussions. For example: Burrito Boy: Have you been to _____.com lately?
Diesel: No.
Burrito Boy: Oh man, you should check it out. There's some great stuff on there.
Diesel: I'll bet.
Burrito Boy: You have a blog, don't you?
Diesel: Yep.
Burrito Boy: You should get it on there, get some traffic.
Diesel: Uh huh. This, by the way, is one of the many reasons programmers aren't good salesmen. You'd think if he really wanted me to check out his site, he would maybe ask me for the address of my site, feign interest in it for twenty seconds, and then say, "Yeah, you totally need to get this up on _____.com." But his monomania doesn't allow him to take a more expansive view of the situation. He just keeps rephrasing his point of view in the hopes that it will become mine. The effect of this kind of behavior is counterproductive even when the subject is a normal person, much less a surly and deliberately contrarian egomaniac like myself. No one likes being told what to do, and they like it less and less with needless repetition. On the other hand, it occurs to me that people tend to repeat behavior only when it gives them the desired results, so maybe he's getting exactly what he wants. Maybe this badgering and resistance is his version of enjoyable social interaction -- which would mean that all I'm doing is encouraging him. In that case, I should probably respond in an affirmative, but entirely unexpected way. Something like this: Burrito Boy: Anything cool happening?
Diesel: Yeah, I camped out all weekend to get one of the new iPhones. I read something about it on _____.com, and decided I just had to have one.
Burrito Boy: Wow, really?
Diesel: Yeah, let me show some pictures I took with it.
Burrito Boy: What's that?
Diesel: Oh, that's my new dog kennel. Did I tell you, I've decided to start breeding dogs!
Burrito Boy: Really? What kind of dogs?
Diesel: The same kind they make those burritos out of! *If you noticed that this phrase is a cliche, then you probably have the same affliction as I do. Labels: Language, Work
Last Chance!
A while back I asked whether anyone would be interested in buying a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary, for $9.95. The regular price is $11.95 plus shipping, but occasionally I'll ord  er a bunch of them at a discount and let you have them basically at cost. There seemed to be enough interest to justify ordering another shipment, so I went ahead and ordered another batch. I have to manually ship them all out, so I kinda want to do this all at once. You have until this Friday, July 25, to order your copy at $9.95 with free shipping. After that, it goes back up to $11.95 + $3.00 shipping. This is probably the last time I'm going to do this, and there's a pretty good chance I'm going to stop giving out copies as caption contest prizes too. If I'm going to continue to deduct all my website related costs as "business-related," I need to at least pretend that I'm actually trying to make money. If you're interested, click on this button: Don't use the link on my sidebar, because that will charge you the regular price. If you've followed this blog for a while, you pretty much know what to expect from my book, but here are some excerpts to help you make an informed decision. I cover such topics as... ...how I came to be...
I have Woodstock to thank for my conception. My dad walked up to my mom, who was sitting on a blanket in the sun with flowers in her hair, and said, “Hey, are you done with that newspaper? I haven’t read today’s Peanuts. I love Snoopy’s little bird friend.” Well, it turned out that my mom hadn’t read it either, so there they sat, taking their break on a dumpster behind DOW chemical’s Agent Orange plant, reading Peanuts together. My mom took the vowels and my dad took the consonants, and just like that, it was love. Which was a good thing, because they had been married for six years. ...my positions on important issues...
I am strongly in favor of the War on Terror. In fact, I think the War on Terror should be drastically expanded to include all other unpleasant states of mind, such as Boredom and “the Heebie Jeebies.” I don’t think we should stop fighting until we are all happy all of the time. But we must stop before we hit Complacency, because the war will be on that too. ----------------- ...traveling with the family...
We pulled in at a suitably crummy motel called the Aloha – presumably because for any sane person pulling into this place, hello would also be goodbye. If there was a Hawaiian theme, I didn’t notice – unless the toilets in Hawaii make a horrific screeching sound that sounds like a hippopotamus gasping for air through a saxophone. ----------------- ...my exciting life...
I was accosted this morning by a large sea turtle. I had arisen early to steal the neighbor’s newspaper (I canceled my subscription when I learned the editor was a freethinker and a bigamist), and just as I stepped outside, I saw it. The turtle must have been a good 5 feet long and 3.5 feet wide (these are shell measurements), and I would estimate that it weighed at least 200 pounds. I certainly couldn’t lift him, and I’m hella strong. I attribute my exceptional strength to a daily regimen of vitamins and backgammon, although I’m also 1/32 Apache Indian, so that’s sort of an X factor. ----------------- ...and all the other stuff I know about...
You may object that such a solution is not “politically feasible.” To this I respond: Did John F. Kennedy pause to ask whether his plan was ‘politically feasible’ before committing 400 American “advisers” in an unwinnable conflict in Southeast Asia? No sir, he did not! And yet, JFK is revered as a hero for his exploits as captain of PT-109, demonstrating that if you have to go on a trip with a Kennedy, the surest way to avoid drowning is, ironically, to travel by boat. You get the idea: the same sort of insipid self-congratulatory treacle that you find here daily, but 99.4% more book-like. Again, if you want to get in on the last chance to get this book for the rock-bottom price of $9.95, click the inviting yellow button below. And yes, I'll even sign it for you. Just try to stop me! I'm still thinking about putting together another collection, but I really want to finish my novel first. (Yes, I'm working on a novel. It's about an angel who is supposed to be helping out with the apocalypse but would rather play ping-pong. I'm about 75% done with it.) I'll be back tomorrow with a brand new post that's even funnier than cancer! Labels: Antisocial Commentary
Sock Drawer
Yes, it's time once again to clean out the disorganized sock drawer of my mind. ------------------ One thing I've noticed when reading the obituaries is that a lot of people die after a "courageous battle with cancer." Nobody ever seems to die after a cowardly battle with cancer. I hope I don't ever get cancer, because I'd completely wuss out and wreck humanity's unbroken streak of stalwart cancer patients. I'd be like, "Oh crap, is that cancer? Tell it I'm not home." Then I'd hide under the bed until it was gone. But eventually, after a long and spineless battle, I would succumb to cancer, and my friends would write an obituary that read, "Diesel died from cancer, the big pussy." On the other hand, maybe there's a reason that all of the obituaries are about courageous cancer patients. Maybe only the courageous cancer patients die. So then the trick to surviving cancer would be to wuss out early on. There should be a special section of the paper devoted to people who wussed out in the face of cancer but didn't die: "Joe Smith found out he had cancer and cried like a little girl for three weeks. His family is happy to report that his cancer is now in remission, but they are also a little embarrassed about what a baby he was about the whole thing." ------------------ The other day I heard an ad for Match.com in which they touted a new feature of their service, where you could get advice from "successful members of the Match.com community." I'm curious about how they define "successful" in this context. I mean, is it just me, or is one key sign of success in a relationship the fact that you are no longer using an online dating service? In fact, the more experience someone has with Match.com, the more wary I would be of taking their advice. That's like Monster.com offering advice from chronically unemployed people.  Another promises that you would find "someone special" within six months or you'd get another six months of the service free. There's an incentive, eh? I know that if I just spent six months dating creepy losers, the one thing that would pull me out of my funk would be another six months dating creepy losers FOR FREE. And why don't they just give you twelve months up front? Are they afraid that you're going to find your soul mate in the first six months but then keep using the service for another six months just to stick it to them? "Sorry, honey. I know that we agreed to stay together forever, but I've got another six months of loser-dating to use up." ------------------  I saw a display at Barnes & Noble recently of "16 month calendars." That's a great idea, isn't it? Now you only have to buy a calendar once every 1.33 years. I mean, assuming that somebody comes out with calendars that start with May. I guess that's how they get you. ------------------ If you ordered cow tongue in a restaurant and the chef spit in your food, would you send it back? ------------------ I tend to throw my clothes on the floor rather than hanging them up, so I have this spray bottle of stuff called "Wrinkle Releaser" that I use sometimes. I like the fact that it's called "Wrinkle Releaser" rather than "Anti-Wrinkle Spray" or "Wrinkle Eradicator." It makes me wonder where the wrinkles are being released to. I like to imagine a land where wrinkles run free in fields of wildflowers. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can see it. ------------------ I had a doctor's appointment a few days ago to get my cholesterol checked. I noticed that they stuck up a big sign that says "WE WILL NOW ONLY CALL YOU IF YOUR TESTS RESULTS ARE ABNORMAL." I guess that means they won't call you unless there is a problem, but wouldn't it be cool if they would also call to congratulate you on test results that are way better than normal? "Hello, Diesel, this is Dr. Evans. I just wanted to call you about your fantastic cholesterol levels. Your bad cholesterol is virtually nonexistent, your good cholesterol is the highest we've ever seen, and in fact we've discovered an entirely new type of cholesterol in your blood that has the potential to cure several forms of cancer! Not the kind you have, unfortunately. Oh, did I mention you have cancer?" Labels: Sock Drawer
Congrats to Acorn King!
 Newcomer Acorn King took top honors this week. Acorn King, you may display the coveted In Your Face award.  Email me your address at diesel --at-- mattresspolice.com and I'll send you a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary, as well. robin came in second with: Dude, for the last time I'm sorry, I didn't know she was your sister. Can you please stop pretending to ignore me and open my beer? Seriously, I have a goalie's glove for my hand and we all know Abe's useless with a pop-top can. And Deb on the Rocks took third with: Diesel, come on, what we have is special and forever. I didn't mean to hurt you. Bringing Abe in will just spice things up for a little while, that's all. But it's up to you, baby, it's up to you. There were some really great captions this time around, guys. I'm always amazed at what y'all come up with. Even perennial favorite Brad couldn't squeeze into the finalists this week. Have a great weekend, everybody. You know where I'll be.  WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Labels: Caption Contest Winners
Thursday Shout-Out: New Blogroll
I took my blogroll down a while back because it was getting totally out of hand. I hated maintaining it, and it was getting too long to do anyone any good (that's what she said). But now my guilt has gotten the better of me, so I've decided to put an abbreviated blogroll back up in an effort to balance out the karmic linky something something. So over to the right you'll see a heading that reads "Worth a Look," under which there is a list of 25 blogs. I've picked these blogs based on a number of factors, but mostly based on my guess as to what kinds of blogs visitors to this sight might also enjoy. Limiting it to 25 makes it a manageable list, but it also guarantees that a lot of great blogs get left off. For example, avid supporters such as Beth, Claire, Jeffrey Ellis, Jinksy, Teri, and probably a dozen other people that I can't think of right now (because I'm retarded) get shafted. Sorry. I will be adding a links page back to this site in the near future that will have a lot more blogs on it, but I'm going to try to keep my sidebar list down to 25. You may have noticed some other changes on this site as well. For one, there's a little button at the bottom of this post that looks like this:  Except that it probably says "smiley me!" which is another way of saying "Hello? Is this thing on? Anyone? Beuller?" It tracks the number of smileys a post has gotten on Humor-Blogs.com. There is also a rank widget over to the right that looks like this:  That one shows the blog's overall ranking at HB. The smiley count widget is a little tricky, and I've only tested it on Blogger. The ranking widget is super-easy, though, and will work on any blogging platform that supports Javascript (read: not Wordpress). There are instructions for plugging in both widgets on the HB Widgets page. That's about it for today. If you're looking for something funny, try checking out one of those blogs. And don't forget to join my neighborhood at BlogCatalog and leave a nice comment for me over there. Labels: Humor-blogs.com, Shout-Outs
Celebrities I Have Dreamed About
 If you think I come up with some crazy stuff while I'm awake, you should hear my dreams. One of my favorites is a dream that I had when I was a little kid. I was walking through our house and I saw that there were wolves hiding behind the furniture. I told my dad, who announced authoritatively, "Well, we'll have to blow up the attic." I found this oddly reassuring. Not too long ago I had a dream I where my older brother and I were sitting by the side of a road when a helicopter flew overhead carrying a milk carton the size of a house. I turned to my brother and said, "That is a big f---ing milk carton." End scene. I'm pretty sure I dream about celebrities more than is normal. And not usually the celebrities you'd think -- there are a lot of real C-listers in there. You could throw the stars of my dreams together in a house and have a decent episode of The Surreal Life. Recently I was thinking about all the celebrity appearances in my dreams over the past few years, and I came up with the following list. The number of appearances of each celebrity appears in parentheses after the name. Huey Lewis (3)In the first two dreams, Huey was a sort of Godot-like figure. I waited patiently, and eventually he showed up, but was too busy to talk to me. In the third one we talked, but I can't remember what about. Ed Kowalczyk, the lead singer of the band Live (2)In one of the dreams, we discussed the Crummy Church Signs website.  Paris Hilton (2)Neither of these dreams was sexual in nature. In one of them, we sat together in a coffee shop while I gave her career advice. "You're like a modern day Audrey Hepburn," I told her. "People expect more from you." Charlie Sheen (1)Also not sexual in nature. Halle Berry (1)No comment. Howard Hesseman, star of WKRP in Cincinnati and Head of the Class (1)My dream was actually a commercial for a nonexistent TV show called The Howard Hesseman Show. It consisted of various clips of the show, one of which was Howard saying, "I want to die in these pants. It really wouldn't be heaven without these pants." Bill Clinton, George Bush Sr., Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon (1 each)I have the distinction of having dreamed about every ex-president who was alive during my lifeti  me. I can't recall the details of any of the dreams. They seemed to be basically photo ops for the ex-presidents. Jimmy Walker, star of TV's Good TimesThis one is my all-time favorite (excluding Halle Berry). I was in church and Jimmy Walker was the minister. He was stoking the congregation into a frenzy, but instead of exclaiming "Amen!", everybody was shouting "Dyn-o-mite!" Honest to God, I'm not making that up. I'm sure there were more, but when you've slept with as many celebrities as I have, you start to forget. I should probably start some kind of dream journal, although that sort of thing might be hard to explain if I ever run for public office: "Last night: Scott Baio - told me Fonzie was really an alien. I told him I really liked Joanie Loves Chachi, but was just being polite." I'll keep you updated the next time some faded sitcom star or aging pop singer shows up in one of my dreams. I mean, unless it's Belinda Carlisle. A man's got to have some secrets. Labels: Anecdotes, Huey-pocalypse or Maybe Huey-geddon, Nonsense
Vote!
Man, it's getting really hard to pick these caption contest finalists. It's like picking a favorite from among my children, except that I don't have to worry about a bunch of captions on other websites that I don't even know about. I finally narrowed it down to these ten:  Jay said... Diesel: "I swear I have the crappiest HMO in the world."  Alex L said... The first annual meeting of the I hate Thomas Kinkade association. Fold My Laundry Please said... Diesel's friends take Dungeons & Dragons VERY seriously! Bunk Strutts said... "Diesel, forget the midterms. The Chinese Chicks should be here any minute and you still don't have your Amy Winehouse costume on." robin said... Dude, for the last time I'm sorry, I didn't know she was your sister. Can you please stop pretending to ignore me and open my beer? Seriously, I have a goalie's glove for my hand and we all know Abe's useless with a pop-top can. Carla said... "Hang on a sec, I'm looking for that picture of you back in high school when you still had your horns." carolinebender said... HellBoy, "No, the 7th circle is pretty cool, actually. You have to call ahead to get that set-up, but you should totally come with us next year." Deb on the Rocks said... Diesel, come on, what we have is special and forever. I didn't mean to hurt you. Bringing Abe in will just spice things up for a little while, that's all. But it's up to you, baby, it's up to you.  Acorn King said... Dude, you totally bite it on page 19. Sherri said... "Here's to whoever wrote the words to Kumbaya." I'll announce the winner on Friday. As usual, the winner will get the In Your Face award and a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary. And while you're in a voting mood, make sure you head over to BlogCatalog, join my community and rate MattressPolice.com. I've been doing some recon behind enemy lines lately, checking out other blog directories. Most of them suck compared to Humor-Blogs.com, natch, but BlogCatalog is actually pretty cool. It's a nicely designed site, and it has a friendly, sensible ranking/categorization system for blogs. So if you enjoy my writing, head over to BlogCatalog and rate me and leave a nice comment, before Johnny finds out about it and kicks my ass over there as well. Labels: Blogging, Caption Contest Poll, Humor-blogs.com
Close to Ten Tips on Writing a Funny Blog Post
As you know, my Meme-Wraith, Grundir the Implacable, generally dispatches all troublesome rodents and memes that attempt to violate the sanctity of Chez* Diesel. Today, however, Grundir humbly approached me cradling a delicate young meme bearing an insignia resembling a giant malformed spermatozoan.  “Cast it into the Crack of Mount Doom, you fool!” I howled at my Nazgul minion. Then I burst into a fit of giggles, because I can’t say “Crack of Mount Doom” without laughing. Grundir tolerates this with admirable aplomb. Being dead for 900 years gives you a certain amount of patience. “It’s bears the ominous mark of Brent Diggs, m’lord,” rasped Grundir. “Ah yes,” I said. “The universally recognized Giant Malformed Spermatazoan of Brent Diggs!”  “I believe it is a comma, sir. An Ominous Comma.” “I know what a comma looks like!” I snapped. “Why, my gentle wraith, surely you’re aware of my affinity for the comma, the most sublime of punctuation marks, the enabler of superfluous modifiers, the – ” “Indeed, m'lord. Shall I bury this meme in the orchard with the ditch digger?” “It’s called a shovel, worm-brain.” “No, m’lord, I mean…” “Silence, fool! I must maintain plausible deniability. No, my rotted friend, I shall answer this meme. Read it to me, please. My eyes fail me in this light.” “As I’ve tried to tell you, m’lord, your perpetually tinted glasses –” “I’ll perpetually tint you if you don’t start reading, Stiffy.” “It reads, ‘In my brief foray onto the internet I have –’” “Good lord, how long is this thing? Cut to the part with Liv Tyler already!” “He wants you to write something funny and yet educational. To impart some of your wisdom about blogging to the masses, if you will.”  “Brilliant! I shall give the masses Ten Tips on Writing a Funny Blog Post.” “Excellent, m’lord.” “Tip number one: Self-reference is always funny.” “I’m sorry, m'lord. Would you care to elaborate?” “Yes, take this down: ‘As you know, my Meme-Wraith, Grundir the Implacable, generally dispatches all troublesome rodents and…’ Wait, how many commas is that?” “Three, m’lord.” “Ok, good enough. Point number two: Don’t belabor a joke. Stop right before the reader understands what you’re doing. Good readers like to think a little. And bad readers, well, f—k ‘em. Except don’t write ‘f—k.’ Put dashes in the middle or something.” “Very good, m’lord. What else?” “Point four: Writing a post in dialog form automatically makes it 43.7% funnier. Oh, and point five: Needless, unjustifiable precision is also funny. “Point six. Wait, I’m not sure about point three. Strike that one for now. Remind me to come back to it later.” “As you wish, m’lord.” "Where was I?" "Point six." "Right, point six. Sprinkle your post with obscure pop culture references. They'll go over the heads of a lot of your readers, but the real Ainur will eat it up. Point seven. Make fun of yourself, but don’t be too obvious about it. Make yourself out to be a huge ass, even if you’re really a nice guy. Of course, it works better if you really are a huge ass, like me. Am I talking too fast for you, Casper?” “No, m’lord.” “Point eight: Give yourself a straight man. Somebody the readers can identify with. But somebody who doesn’t seem very relatable at first glance. Toy with the readers’ expectations a bit.” “Very good, m’lord. I never could have devised such a brilliant notion.”  “Of course not. You’re a 900 year old medieval jerkwad who sold his soul for something shiny. And finally, point nine: Always leave the reader wanting more. Now slap the Mattress Police seal on that baby and send it back to Diggs. We’ll show him what a real blogging insignia looks like. No sperm for us!” “Of course not, m’lord.” “On second thought, throw a little sperm on that baby. Can’t hurt. “Yes, m’lord.” For this non-meme, I anoint the following individuals: 1. Dave Barry2. Sinister Dan3. Scott Adams4. Ecstatic Wavelength Lady5. David Sedaris6. Sue Piltdown7. Bill Watterson8. Leigh (on the condition that she does not offer any boob-related advice or pictures) 9. Voltaire10. Jocelyn Hergenfliffer*Pronounced " CHEEZ" Labels: Blogging, Meme Wraith, Memes
Caption Contest: Hellboy
Check out this picture I found of me hanging out with Hellboy and his buddy Abe Sapien. Why, it practically screams for a caption contest.  You know the rules. Submit your caption in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our faves, which will be posted in a poll next Tuesday. The ultimate winner gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary, if I can dig up another copy somewhere. Have fun. I'll be back with a wondrous new post on Monday. Labels: Caption Contest
Thursday Shout-out
Man, has anyone noticed that my posting schedule is in danger of shifting an entire day? It's a good thing I'm on Pacific time, or this would be the Friday shout-out. I don't have much to post anyway. I did want to mention the PayPal fund that Humor-Blogs member Kadi has set up to benefit the two children of an acquaintance of hers who recently killed himself. I was going to try to summarize the whole story, but it's probably better if you just go to Kadi's and scroll down until you find the post(s) about Scott. The PayPal button is at the upper right on her blog if you feel moved to help out. I also wanted to thank all of the people who have been so appreciative and supportive of Humor-Blogs.com and the recent revamping of the ranking process. There were a few glitches, but everything seems to be working now. And thanks to everybody who has been giving my posts the nice LOL smileys! Thank God Johhny Virgil is still kicking my ass, or people would totally accuse me of cheating. Haven't done a caption contest for a while, so I guess I'd better get on that. See you back here tomorrow. Oh, I almost forgot -- In case you're wondering what the Humor-Blogs.com traffic looks like since the upgrade, check this out:  The upgrade happened on July 6. Pretty cool, huh? Hopefully all the members are seeing some increased traffic. If you want to get your blog listed or if you just want to sign up to rate posts, click here. Come on, it's easy. Labels: Humor-blogs.com, Serious Stuff, Shout-Outs
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