On the way in to work in the San Francisco Bay area, I often drive past cars bearing a patchwork of bleeding heart bumper stickers, giving lip service to causes from Greenpeace to NOW. Today, however, I saw one that I hadn’t seen before. It read simply: “Jesus is a liberal.”
Next to this bumper sticker were plastered two Barack Obama stickers, which raises the question: If Jesus is a registered Democrat, doesn’t it seem like going with Barack Obama is settling just a bit? Even with the deification that Obama has received in the media, I can’t see him at the top of an Obama/Jesus ticket.
If I were a Democratic strategist, I’d put Obama in the veep slot, although I’ll admit it’s a little chancy putting a Jew at the top of the ticket. Jesus’ age could also be an issue. He’d be the oldest president since Reagan.
If Jesus were Obama’s vice president, I think you’d run into a Bush/Cheney situation, where Obama is nominally in charge, but everybody knows that Jesus is the one pulling the strings. (Except, of course, Jesus wouldn't have to ingest the still beating hearts of baby golden retrievers in order to stay alive.)
People would come to President Obama and say, "Hey, Mr. President, can you turn this water into wine?" And he'd be like, "Sure." And then they'd have to call up Jesus in his undisclosed location and say, "Mr. Vice President, we've got a 4211!" And Jesus would be like, "4211, that's, um..." And they'd be like, "Water into wine, sir." And He'd be like, "I know what it is!" And then He'd be like, "Sorry I snapped at you, Tim. This is a high pressure job, what with that time I had to break a tie in the Senate and that time that I had to bear the weight of sin for all mankind by dying an agonizing death on the cross." And then Tim would be like, "One time Dan Quayle locked himself in his car and had to survive for three days by drinking his own urine."
Also, if Jesus were elected President, you'd have the dicey matter of the Constitutional order of succession. What if Jesus was betrayed by His Secretary of the Treasury and assassinated by the Romans? Would Obama be sworn in immediately, or would we have to wait for three days to see if Jesus snapped out of it? Can you still be President after you've been legally dead for three days? Man, if only John Kerry had been elected, we'd have a solid precedent.
I have my doubts whether Jesus would even get elected. The Republicans would have to counter by nominating someone who is tough on crime, against gay marriage and strongly pro-Israel. The obvious choice would be Jesus's dad, God the Father. That would be a tough race to call, especially if Ralph Nader is running as an independent. And all bets are off if the Holy Spirit enters as a dark horse candidate.
A Jesus candidacy would also complicate things for churches, which would have to remain neutral or lose their tax exempt status. Churches would either have to refrain from making any pro-Jesus comments, or they'd have to modify their services to give equal time to competing candidates. Some songs would have to be altered a bit, for example:
Jesus loves me, this I know
for the Bible tells me so
And at the spectrum's other end
There's John McCain, my Myspace friend
And of course Jesus wouldn't be allowed to speak in church, which would be a little weird. Although come to think if it, I'm pretty sure that rule only applies to Republican candidates. He should probably stick to black churches, though, just to be on the safe side.
If Jesus really is a liberal, a lot of churches probably wouldn't want Him to speak anyway. I mean, maybe if He stuck to the classics, like the Sermon on the Mount and the parable of the prodigal son. But I don't think the Sermon on Carbon Emission Caps or the Parable of the Third Trimester Abortion would go over very well.
No, now that I think about it, maybe Jesus isn't the best choice. Still, it can't hurt to have Him on one's side. Maybe tomorrow I'll hang Him up on my car too.
Labels: Christianity, Politics