Recently I ran across the remarkable headline “
WWF: More Than 1,000 New Species Discovered in Southeast Asia.”
I assumed, as most people would, that this discovery was a side effect of a scientific expedition to to determine the genetic origins of female wrestling sensation
Chyna. It turns out, however, that the WWF in question is actually the World Wildlife Fund, a nonprofit organization that has almost nothing to do with wrestling. (The WWF cannot disavow all connection to wrestling as certain species of endangered marsupials have been known to engage in the occasional pre-coital piledriver – an activity that no doubt contributes to their endangerment).*
I suppose it makes sense that an organization related to wildlife would have discovered a number of new species, but I still found this information surprising. A
thousand species? After all, how many species have we discovered up to this point? Again, like most people I assumed the number was around eighteen. There are humans, pets, snakes, spiders… um… plants… midgets…. That’s about all I could come up with. Oh, and Delaware. Wait, what was I trying to list?
Anyway, a thousand species seemed like a LOT to me. How could there even
be that many species? If there were a hundred of each of them, that’s like a million animals. Where would you
put them all? Even if Delaware exists, which I highly doubt, I don’t think you’d have room for them all, unless you hung them from each other in big chains like those Barrel of Monkeys monkeys. But how many species are constructed so conveniently? And how long before the middle monkey decides he has better things to do, like sticking his finger in his butt and smelling it or watching professional wrestling? The fragility of the chain of life should be of concern to us all.
Once I did some research, I realized that the discovery of 1,000 new species is not nearly as impressive as it sounds. First of all, supposedly there are somewhere between 5 million and 30 million species in the world. That’s a pretty big margin of error. When your species count is only accurate to within plus or minus 25 million, a thousand new species isn’t terribly impressive. That’s like Ted Turner finding a nickel in his couch. Not exactly newsworthy.
And 25 million species? Come on. I think you probably have to define species pretty narrowly to come up with that number. Like, probably you have all five members of the Jackson Five as different species. Michael and LaToya, sure, but can we agree to just lump the others together? Let’s try to think big picture here. What good does it do anyone to identify 25 million different species? Who even cares what the difference between an
Apis mellifera** and a
sepulchrum navis*** is? As far as I’m concerned, for example, there are only three kinds of mushrooms: poisonous, hallucinogenic and good on pizza (and I’d even be okay with combining the latter two). Why complicate things any more than that?
So yeah, big deal, a thousand new species. Unless one of them is sleestaks, who really gives a crap? I don’t want to know about a snail that nobody knew existed. I wish I could forget about half of the species I know about already. Like earwigs, for example. And insurance salesmen. Don’t bother me with your colorful new lizards or even less edible varieties of cauliflower.
In fact, here are the only species that I would like to be informed about if and when they are discovered:
- Hobbits
- An animal that is made entirely of bacon
- An animal made out of tofu (to make vegans feel bad)
- Whatever Yoda is
- Natasha Henstridges****
The article says that “most of the new species were found in the largely unexplored jungles and wetlands along the 5,000-kilometer Mekong River, that flows through six Southeast Asian countries - China, Burma, Laos, Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam.” It says that one of the species that was discovered was the Laotian rock rat, previously thought to be extinct for 11 million years, which turned up in a local food market. I’d like to make some additional points about this claim:
First, I hope the food market siezes on this as a marketing opportunity. “The Lucky Dragon Food Market: Home of a species of rats thought to have been extinct for 11 million years!”
Second, you don’t get credit for discovering an animal that we’ve known about for 11 million years, just because we thought they were all dead. That’s cheating. I can’t claim to have “discovered” Elvis because I saw him at Burger King the other day.
Third, who the hell sees a rat scurrying behind a crate of papayas and says, “Hey, isn’t that a Laotian rock rat?” Was the guy carrying a copy of
Animals that You Probably Won’t See in the Greater Mekong Area Because We’re Pretty Sure They’ve Been Extinct for Eleven Million Years?
Fourth, another kind of rat? Seriously? Because we don’t have enough rats?
Finally, with apologies to Dave Barry, “the Laotian Rock Rats” would be an awesome name for a band.
I think I speak for all the members of
M.I.A.S.M.A. (the Mattress Police Institute for the Advancement of Scientific Missions of Awesomness; the ‘P’ is silent) when I say, “Stop wasting our tax dollars looking for exotic new species when we have a hard enough time dealing with the species we already know about." Unless, of course, it’s not my tax dollars being wasted, in which case, hey, knock yourself out. Just stay out of my local food markets. I don’t want to know.
*In case you’re wondering, it is true that there was once a popular fake wrestling organization known as the World Wrestling Federation, or WWF. The organization was forced to give up this name when their claim to be a federation of loosely affiliated fake wrestling organizations was revealed to be a sham upon the ascension of Emperor Palpatine. They are now known as the World Wrestling Empire, or WWE.
**European honey bee
***Latin for “gravy boat”
****Natasha Hentsridge’s “Alternate Names” heading in her IMDB entry reads “The Chick from Species.”
Seriously.
Labels: Current Events, Nonsense, Science