Bar-Ob promises "swift closure" of extradimensional prison.
KRYPTONOPOLIS - Ratcheting up the rhetoric in the race for Supreme Leader of Krypton, Demokryptic candidate Bar-Ob has promised to "close once and for all" the controversial extradimensional prison known as the Phantom Zone.
"How can we hold ourselves up as a model for other planets, such as... well, the only one I know of is Earth," said Bar-Ob, "while maintaining an illegal prison in a dimension just 90 miles outside our own space-time continuum? It's unconscionable."
A spokesperson for Jor-El, the scientist who discovered the Phantom Zone, called Bar-Ob's promises "irresponsible and unrealistic." Jor-El, known for his controversial claim that the core of Krypton is radioactive and due to explode "any day now," is running as the Republiton candidate for Supreme Leader.
Demokrypts have accused Jor-El of "fear-mongering." Bar-Ob recently noted recently that "Every time Jor-El's polls are down, they bump up the Planetary Core Explosion Threat Level."
Jor-El's spokespersons have denied any connection between the campaign and the PCECTL, pronounced puh-KEK-tul. They countered the Demokrypt accusations with allegations that Bar-Ob is pandering to voters. "Where is Bar-Ob going to put these dangerous criminals when he closes the Phantom Zone? Where does he suggest housing the likes of General Zod and Doctor Xadu? All this planet needs is another Wil-Hor debacle."
Jor-El has also argued that Bar-Ob lacks the interstellar experience to be Supreme Leader of Krypton. "It's frankly embarrassing that Bar-Ob cannot name a single alien planet other than Earth. What about the lava world of Moo-Zarak-Ghukkenstemph? What about the ice planet Sha-hah-aaahanssstugl? I mean, how can one lead Krypton into the 49th century when one is ignorant of the giant snow-worms of Sha-hah-aaahanssstugl?"
In response, Bar-Ob accused the Republitons of "clouding the issue" and "making up planets." He called the current administration's record regarding the Phantom Zone "shameful," claiming that inmates of the extradimensional prison were routinely denied food and water for "centuries at a time."
Jor-El pointed to these accusations as further evidence that Bar-Ob lacks the experience needed to be Supreme Leader. Jor-El claimed that "Anyone who knows anything about the Phantom Zone knows that its occupants do not age or require sustenance. They reside in a featureless existence from which they can observe, but cannot interact with, the regular universe; furthermore, they are telepathic and mutually insubstantial."
In response to these statements, Bar-Ob said, "I call B.S. on the 'telepathic and mutually insubstantial' stuff."
Jor-El later admitted that he had no idea what that phrase meant, and was simply repeating something he had found on
Kryptopedia.