In a world not too different from our own, there is a man whose plumbing expertise is so impressive that his customers and co-workers have no choice but to put up with his unparalleled arrogance and eccentricity. That man is Gregory House, plumber. (This post is dedicated to my favorite Jocelyn, for reasons she will understand.)
Plumbing Dispatcher Cuddy: I have a case you may be interested in, House.
House: Does it involve me squeezing my face between your boobs?
Cuddy: 50-year-old Colonial, with no history of plumbing problems. All the water coming out of the faucets is green.
House: Corrosion in the copper.
Cuddy: The pipes are galvanized steel.
House: I love it when you say “galvanized.” Especially when I’m not really listening because I’m thinking about your boobs.
Cuddy: Seriously, House. How do you explain green corrosion with steel pipes?
House: The same way I explain the popularity of Dane Cook. Coincidentally, I also have the same amount of interest.
Cuddy: Can we just skip the part where you pretend you're not interested? I have a lot of other plumbers to supervise.
House: Okay, but I want to mention two more things first.
Cuddy: What?
House: Your boobs.
…
House: How do you get green water with galvanized steel pipes?
Plumbing Lackey #1: Copper fittings. Reaction between the copper and steel causes corrosion in the copper.
House: Did you miss the part where I mentioned that the pipes were galvanized steel? There was a guy here a minute ago who looked just like you. He even had the same vacant stare and sickening desire to please.
PL #2: Siphon effect. A garden house connected to a spigot is pulling sewage out of the septic system.
House: That’s about as likely as your mother getting pregnant from her stripper pole.
PL #3: So what should we do?
House: Check for fecal matter in the pipes.
PL #1: I thought you said it wasn’t sewage.
House: I said that Lackey #2’s mother was a fan-dancing heroin addict, not that he was wrong. Check the pipes for sewage. I’ll be over at Unrelated Subplot with Plumber Wilson if you need me.
…
The team finds trace amounts of fecal matter in the water. House tells them to install a filter on supply line.
…
PL #1: Well, I guess that’s all it was. Another plumbing problem solved!
PL #3: Get House! The pipes are seizing!
…
House: Flush the whole system with hydrochloric acid.
PL #2: But House! If you’re wrong…!
House: And if I’m right?
…
PL #1: So that’s all it was? Green food coloring?
House: Yep. Of course, now that we’ve flushed the whole system with acid, all the pipes will have to be replaced.
PL #2: So there was nothing wrong with the plumbing, but in trying to fix a nonexistent problem, we destroyed it?
House: Yes. Ironic, isn’t it?
PL #3: And now we have to replace all the plumbing in the house, but we can’t replace it without tearing the house apart. But if we destroy the house, then it won’t need plumbing any more.
House: Correct. Also ironic.
PL #1: House, while tearing out the old plumbing, I found that one of the walls was entirely filled with highly flammable methane gas! If we hadn’t accidentally destroyed the plumbing, we would never have found it, and the house could have exploded at any moment!
House: Wow, that’s also very ironic.
PL #2: And I found a patch of toxic mold that kills anybody who gets near it.
PL #3: So… we’re all going to die?
House: Yes, but if we’d have left well enough alone and let the building explode, it would have incinerated the mold and we’d all be fine.
PL #1: Man, that’s really ironic.
House: Not as ironic as that galvanized pipe, though. (House pops a handful of pills).
PL #3: House… is that Vicodin?!
House: I need it for my condition.
PL #2: Plumber’s crack isn’t a medical condition, House.
House: Who said anything about medicine?
THE END