To the boys of my fifth grade class who were in attendance at Jeff Cornell’s 11th birthday party:
Hey fellas!
Wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let me get right to the point. I suppose you all remember Jeff Cornell’s 11th birthday party, where we slept over at his house at watched “The Rockford Files.” I’m sure we watched other stuff too, but I specifically remember watching “The Rockford Files” because “The Incredible Hulk” was on at the same time. Initially we were all in agreement that we should watch “The Incredible Hulk” because, after all, we were fifth grade boys, and what could be better than watching Lou Ferrigno smash through papier mache walls?
Yep, that was a great show – although I think we can agree that it could have used more Hulk and less David Banner. The tone of the show was all wrong; it should have been all about the Incredible Hulk and how awesome he was, and how much it sucked to have to keep turning back into Bill Bixby all the time. Every episode should have ended with the Hulk trudging along the side of the road, screaming at cars and trying to keep himself amped up so that he wouldn’t turn back into that little dork from “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father.” I wish I could turn into Lou Ferrigno when somebody pissed me off, even if it did mean going deaf and having to buy new pants.
Anyway, the point is that I’m fully aware of how awesome “The Incredible Hulk” was, and how disappointing it must have been to miss an episode, especially given the fact that nobody in our class would have a VCR until 1983. So I'm frankly at a loss to explain my behavior that evening. I’m not sure if it was my unfamiliar surroundings or what, but when the opening sequence of “The Incredible Hulk” came on, it scared the crap out of me. You have to admit, when David Banner gets bombarded with gamma radiation and green blobs start taking over his circulatory system, well, that’s some scary shit to a sensitive ten year old away from home. You may recall that I begged you guys to change the channel, and eventually Jeff’s mom took pity on me and suggested that we watch “The Rockford Files” instead. You guys were pissed off at me the rest of the night and then you made fun of me the next day at school.
Let me be clear that I don't hold any of that against you. Obviously, given the unmitigated awesomeness of “The Incredible Hulk,” I was in the wrong. After all, what fifth grader wants to watch James Garner as a smartass P.I. when he could be watching Lou Ferrigno tossing boulders as if they were made of styrofoam (which, now that I think about it, they probably were)?
Here’s what gets me, though. Do you guys remember that big cloth bag full of stuffed animals that Jim brought to the sleepover? I mean, teddy bears, bunny rabbits, raccoons, all kinds of baby shit like that? Where, I'm wondering, was the mockery for that? What the hell kind of sissy fifth grader brings a cloth sack filled with stuffed animals to a sleepover birthday party? You guys are all glaring at me for making you watch “The Rockford Files” (and by the way, I caught an episode on cable the other day and it holds up reasonably well), and meanwhile Jim is sitting there ensconced in a pile of cuddly bears and bunny rabbits. A little consistency would be nice, that’s all I’m saying.
Your pal,
Rob