I have to admit that I walked into the theater with pretty low expectations for the new end-of-the-world flick 2012. Roland Emmerich, the instigator of such dreck as 10,000 BC and The Day After Tomorrow, has not proven to my satisfaction that he’s capable of doing anything as a director other than signing some ginormous checks for visual effects. So I was pleasantly surprised when, once behind the velvet rope, I realized that I could just walk into The Fantastic Mr. Fox playing next door and no one would be the wiser. As a result, I enjoyed my moviegoing experience, but I do feel that I should warn you that this review may be slightly tainted by the fact that I have not actually seen the movie I’m reviewing. However, I have watched the trailers for 2012 very carefully, and if Emmerich’s other films are any indication, very little of interest happens in the movie that is not covered by the trailers. In some ways, I am probably more qualified to review this movie than someone for whom the good parts aren’t quite as fresh in their memory.
2012 tells the story of Terence “Trip” Walker (played by a middle-aged John Cusack), a toll-booth operator with a DARK SECRET. As the movie opens, Trip is at a party with his co-workers, who are celebrating his tenth anniversary as a toll-booth operator. A plain-looking toll-both operator (played by an aging Joan Cusack) says to Trip, “I gotta hand it to ya, Trip. I never expected you to make it ten years. Yep, it was ten years ago today, on January First, 2002, that you started working here. Smart guy like you, I thought you’d be GOING PLACES.” Trip smiles wearily and trudges back to his booth, carrying a piece of chocolate cake on a small paper plate. “What’s so exciting about going places?” he says.
FLASHBACK to a Trip as a baby (played by John Cusack as a baby), dressed in winter clothes, sitting in the middle of a frozen pond. Older kids ice skate gaily around him.* Baby Trip manages to pull himself up to his feet and begins to take small, uncertain steps. “Look!” shouts his mother (Broadcast News-era Joan Cusack), “Trip is walking!”
Cue OMINOUS MUSIC. The ice is cracking behind Trip! “Run, Trip, Run!” screams his mother, and Trip stumbles uncertainly toward the camera. The ice collapses behind him as he goes, and dozens of gay children fall screaming into the frozen water. Trip escapes by staying one step ahead of the collapsing ice, finally jumping into his mother’s (sister’s) arms, weeping.
FLASHFORWARD to a teenage Trip (Better Off Dead John Cusack) sitting on a bench wearing a football uniform. “You’re up, Trip!” shouts the coach. “Me?” says the confused Trip. “Yes, you! Get in there!” Trip jogs uncertainly onto the field. The ball is snapped and the quarterback throws it directly to Trip, who catches it and runs toward the end zone. Trip’s face is flushed with excitement.
Cue OMINOUS MUSIC. The football field is collapsing behind Trip! “Run, Trip, Run!” screams his mother (Joan Cusack’s voice from Toy Story 2). With each step, another section of ground disappears behind him, and dozens of gay football players fall screaming into the abyss. Trip scores a touchdown, but his victory, like the football field itself, is hollow.
We cut to Trip alone in his room. “It’s all my fault!” he cries. “Everytime I run excitedly somewhere, PEOPLE DIE! I WILL NEVER RUN EXCITEDLY ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN!!!”
FLASHFORWARD back to middle-aged Trip at the toll-booth. The clock on the wall reads JANUARY 1, 2012. Trip looks around, bored, and sees a BABY DEER standing wobbily in the FastPass lane. A Lincoln Navigator is bearing down on the deer, oblivious to the helpless creature. Without thinking, Trip sprints to the baby deer and scoops it up in his arms, a split second before the SUV zooms past.
Cue OMINOUS MUSIC. The asphalt is collapsing behind Trip! But he doesn’t care, he just keeps running. Soon cars are falling into the massive crevice opening in his wake. He slips and falls, dropping the baby deer, which falls into the gaping maw. Trip just KEEPS RUNNING.
Trip gets into his car and screeches away down the highway. Now the highway is collapsing behind him! He drives through a residential area and houses explode! He drives into downtown Los Angeles and buildings crumble all around him! He goes to the airport and gets on a plane. As the plane takes off, the runway collapses behind it! More buildings pop up near the airport just so that they can fall down around him!
Trip takes the plane on a tour of national monuments – MOUNT RUSHMORE, the STATUE OF LIBERTY and the WASHINGTON MONUMENT all collapse as he flies past. The GRAND CANYON disappears into an EVEN BIGGER CANYON. He doesn’t have time to tour all of Europe, so BIG BEN, the EIFFEL TOWER and the PARTHENON meet him in Venice where they all immediately SINK INTO THE OCEAN!
Trip aims his plane directly for the SUN! But he doesn’t make it there because THAT WOULD BE UNREALISTIC, so the plane’s wings melt and it crashes back to earth, taking out the PYRAMIDS and the TAJ MAJAL.
MANY CENTURIES PASS.
A lone wanderer trudges through the desert, coming upon the crash site. A giant marble monolith reads:
HERE LIES TERENCE “TRIP” WALKER.
HE JUST COULDN’T SIT STILL.
“What the hell?” says the wanderer (Charleton Heston).
“SO,” says a voice behind him. “NOW YOU NOW THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW OUR WORLD CAME TO BE.”
Charleton Heston turns around. He is greeted by the post-apocalyptic RULING TRIUMVIRATE of Tom Petty, Tina Turner and David Bowie.
“NOW YOU MUST REBUILD THE WORLD,” the triumvirate says in TELEPATHIC UNISON.
“But…how?” says Charleton Heston.
“WE WILL ASK OUR GOD,” says the trimvirate.
The aging rock stars lead Charleton Heston to a movie theater deep underground. Tom Petty turns on a projector and the image of Kevin Costner wearing a mailman’s uniform appears on the screen.
“SIT AND WORSHIP THE ONE TRUE GOD,” says the triumvirate.
Charleton Heston collapses into a seat and stares at the screen, aghast. “This is your God?” he gasps.
“IT IS.” Says the triumvirate. “THE ONE TRUE GOD.”
“Then the world has gone MAD,” says Charleton Heston. “For you are WORSHIPPING A BOMB!”
“TRUE,” says the triumvirate. “ITS BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE WAS DISAPPOINTING; HOWEVER, IT DID WELL IN THE OVERSEAS MARKET AND IF YOU FAST-FORWARD OVER THE 45 MINUTES WHERE HE IS RECUPERATING IN THAT CABIN IN THE WOODS, IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BAD.”
“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” says Charleton Heston. “Say, this is pretty good popcorn.”
The triumvirate LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY.
“What’s so funny?” Charleton Heston says.
“THAT’S NOT POPCORN,” the triumvirate says. “IT’S PEOPLE!!!”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!”
THE END
*This is before people knew what “gay” meant.