What really happened to the Biblical character Enoch? Were there jazz clubs in 1900 B.C.? Why are there so many asses in the Bible? These questions and more are answered in “Mercury Swings,” one of the earliest adventures of the wise-cracking angel Mercury on the Mundane Plane.

Mercury strolled along the banks of the Euphrates, trying to pinpoint the source of a saxophone wailing the unmistakable strains of Dixieland jazz. As the sax gave way to the strumming of a bass, he spied a man wrapped in desert garb near the entrance of a cave.

“What’s happening, friend?” queried the man, a phlegmatic Amelekite who was sucking on what appeared to be a rolled up piece of papyrus stuffed with some sort of dried vegetation. Foul smelling smoke wafted from an ember at the end of the papyrus roll.

“Just out for a stroll,” said Mercury, trying to appear nonthreatening in an effort to counterbalance the fact that he towered a foot and a half over the prehistoric hepcat.

“Is that tobacco?”

“To-what-o?” asked the Amelekite, unimpressed. “Never heard of it. This is what we call ‘funk weed.’” The Amelekite took a long, slow drag on the makeshift cigarette, the corner of his mouth curling upward in cool bliss. He held the smoke for a moment and then began to exhale, but the noxious fumes caught in his throat and he started to hack and cough uncontrollably. Mercury waited while the man fell to his knees, choking for breath and ultimately vomiting into an unlucky bush.

“Why would you do that to yourself?” Mercury asked, genuinely puzzled.

“It’s the music,” gasped the green-faced Amelekite. “I keep telling myself to quit, but for some reason this music makes me want to inhale the poisonous fumes of some kind of dried plant.”

As the Amelekite struggled to his feet, the impassioned wail of the saxophone once again echoed from the cave’s mouth. “It’s an anachronism,” said Mercury. “Jazz isn’t supposed to be discovered for nearly four thousand years. After tobacco and whiskey.”

“Well,” reflected the Amelekite thoughtfully, “Anna Nakkernizzim is a bitch, I’ll tell you that much.” He hacked up a wad of mucus from his throat and spat it on the bush. “What’s the password?”

Read the rest at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/6946. “Mercury Swings” is available in a variety of digital formats and it’s totally free. And don’t worry if you haven't read Mercury Falls yet: there are no spoilers. :)

I have to admit that I walked into the theater with pretty low expectations for the new end-of-the-world flick 2012. Roland Emmerich, the instigator of such dreck as 10,000 BC and The Day After Tomorrow, has not proven to my satisfaction that he’s capable of doing anything as a director other than signing some ginormous checks for visual effects. So I was pleasantly surprised when, once behind the velvet rope, I realized that I could just walk into The Fantastic Mr. Fox playing next door and no one would be the wiser. As a result, I enjoyed my moviegoing experience, but I do feel that I should warn you that this review may be slightly tainted by the fact that I have not actually seen the movie I’m reviewing. However, I have watched the trailers for 2012 very carefully, and if Emmerich’s other films are any indication, very little of interest happens in the movie that is not covered by the trailers. In some ways, I am probably more qualified to review this movie than someone for whom the good parts aren’t quite as fresh in their memory.

2012 tells the story of Terence “Trip” Walker (played by a middle-aged John Cusack), a toll-booth operator with a DARK SECRET. As the movie opens, Trip is at a party with his co-workers, who are celebrating his tenth anniversary as a toll-booth operator. A plain-looking toll-both operator (played by an aging Joan Cusack) says to Trip, “I gotta hand it to ya, Trip. I never expected you to make it ten years. Yep, it was ten years ago today, on January First, 2002, that you started working here. Smart guy like you, I thought you’d be GOING PLACES.” Trip smiles wearily and trudges back to his booth, carrying a piece of chocolate cake on a small paper plate. “What’s so exciting about going places?” he says.

FLASHBACK to a Trip as a baby (played by John Cusack as a baby), dressed in winter clothes, sitting in the middle of a frozen pond. Older kids ice skate gaily around him.* Baby Trip manages to pull himself up to his feet and begins to take small, uncertain steps. “Look!” shouts his mother (Broadcast News-era Joan Cusack), “Trip is walking!”

Cue OMINOUS MUSIC. The ice is cracking behind Trip! “Run, Trip, Run!” screams his mother, and Trip stumbles uncertainly toward the camera. The ice collapses behind him as he goes, and dozens of gay children fall screaming into the frozen water. Trip escapes by staying one step ahead of the collapsing ice, finally jumping into his mother’s (sister’s) arms, weeping.

FLASHFORWARD to a teenage Trip (Better Off Dead John Cusack) sitting on a bench wearing a football uniform. “You’re up, Trip!” shouts the coach. “Me?” says the confused Trip. “Yes, you! Get in there!” Trip jogs uncertainly onto the field. The ball is snapped and the quarterback throws it directly to Trip, who catches it and runs toward the end zone. Trip’s face is flushed with excitement.

Cue OMINOUS MUSIC. The football field is collapsing behind Trip! “Run, Trip, Run!” screams his mother (Joan Cusack’s voice from Toy Story 2). With each step, another section of ground disappears behind him, and dozens of gay football players fall screaming into the abyss. Trip scores a touchdown, but his victory, like the football field itself, is hollow.

We cut to Trip alone in his room. “It’s all my fault!” he cries. “Everytime I run excitedly somewhere, PEOPLE DIE! I WILL NEVER RUN EXCITEDLY ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN!!!”

FLASHFORWARD back to middle-aged Trip at the toll-booth. The clock on the wall reads JANUARY 1, 2012. Trip looks around, bored, and sees a BABY DEER standing wobbily in the FastPass lane. A Lincoln Navigator is bearing down on the deer, oblivious to the helpless creature. Without thinking, Trip sprints to the baby deer and scoops it up in his arms, a split second before the SUV zooms past.

Cue OMINOUS MUSIC. The asphalt is collapsing behind Trip! But he doesn’t care, he just keeps running. Soon cars are falling into the massive crevice opening in his wake. He slips and falls, dropping the baby deer, which falls into the gaping maw. Trip just KEEPS RUNNING.

Trip gets into his car and screeches away down the highway. Now the highway is collapsing behind him! He drives through a residential area and houses explode! He drives into downtown Los Angeles and buildings crumble all around him! He goes to the airport and gets on a plane. As the plane takes off, the runway collapses behind it! More buildings pop up near the airport just so that they can fall down around him!

Trip takes the plane on a tour of national monuments – MOUNT RUSHMORE, the STATUE OF LIBERTY and the WASHINGTON MONUMENT all collapse as he flies past. The GRAND CANYON disappears into an EVEN BIGGER CANYON. He doesn’t have time to tour all of Europe, so BIG BEN, the EIFFEL TOWER and the PARTHENON meet him in Venice where they all immediately SINK INTO THE OCEAN!

Trip aims his plane directly for the SUN! But he doesn’t make it there because THAT WOULD BE UNREALISTIC, so the plane’s wings melt and it crashes back to earth, taking out the PYRAMIDS and the TAJ MAJAL.

MANY CENTURIES PASS.

A lone wanderer trudges through the desert, coming upon the crash site. A giant marble monolith reads:

HERE LIES TERENCE “TRIP” WALKER.
HE JUST COULDN’T SIT STILL.

“What the hell?” says the wanderer (Charleton Heston).

“SO,” says a voice behind him. “NOW YOU NOW THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW OUR WORLD CAME TO BE.”

Charleton Heston turns around. He is greeted by the post-apocalyptic RULING TRIUMVIRATE of Tom Petty, Tina Turner and David Bowie.

“NOW YOU MUST REBUILD THE WORLD,” the triumvirate says in TELEPATHIC UNISON. 

“But…how?” says Charleton Heston.

“WE WILL ASK OUR GOD,” says the trimvirate.

The aging rock stars lead Charleton Heston to a movie theater deep underground. Tom Petty turns on a projector and the image of Kevin Costner wearing a mailman’s uniform appears on the screen.

“SIT AND WORSHIP THE ONE TRUE GOD,” says the triumvirate.

Charleton Heston collapses into a seat and stares at the screen, aghast. “This is your God?” he gasps.

“IT IS.” Says the triumvirate. “THE ONE TRUE GOD.”

“Then the world has gone MAD,” says Charleton Heston. “For you are WORSHIPPING A BOMB!”

“TRUE,” says the triumvirate. “ITS BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE WAS DISAPPOINTING; HOWEVER, IT DID WELL IN THE OVERSEAS MARKET AND IF YOU FAST-FORWARD OVER THE 45 MINUTES WHERE HE IS RECUPERATING IN THAT CABIN IN THE WOODS, IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BAD.”

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” says Charleton Heston. “Say, this is pretty good popcorn.”

The triumvirate LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY.

“What’s so funny?” Charleton Heston says.

“THAT’S NOT POPCORN,” the triumvirate says. “IT’S PEOPLE!!!”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!”

THE END

You shouldn't have to buy toys made in China to get Mercury for Christmas.

For a limited time I'm offering signed copies of Mercury Falls, for $12. And in the spirit of the season, for every book sold I will donate $5 to the Christian Reformed World Relief Committee (CRWRC). The CRWRC provides help to those suffering from poverty, hunger, disaster, and injustice. Order by December 4 and I will get your book(s) to you in time for Christmas.

For details and purchase info, please visit http://mercuryfalls.net.

Thanks for your support, and have a great holiday season!

A day after lowering the price for the Kindle version to $1.99, Mercury Falls is now at #16 in the Humor category for Kindle ebooks! Check it out:

Look, I know I should be all cool-author-guy and stuff, but HOW SWEET IS THAT?

I know you're probably thinking, "Sure, #16 is pretty good, but don't you think you should be up there above The World's Greatest Books Volume 01 Fiction by some poser named 'Various'?" I mean, it's only got 2 stars, for Pete's sake! How great can it be? Sure, it's free, which is a little tough to compete with, but I expect a little more from you, Mr. KROO-zee, if that is your real name."

And you know what? You're totally right! I SHOULD be up there above The World's Greatest Books Volume 01 Fiction by that bastard Jean-Claude Maximillion Various. So here's the deal: If you have a Kindle, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go buy the Kindle version of Mercury Falls RIGHT NOW.

Too desperate? Yeah, probably. Okay, you don't need to do it right now. Have a drink. Put your feet up. Relax.

Okay, NOW GO BUY IT.

Don't have a Kindle? No problem! Get the Kindle reader for your iPhone!

No iPhone? Jeez, what are you, Amish? Okay, go here and get the Kindle reader for your PC. THEN GO BUY MY BOOK.

Look, I know you probably already have the paperback. But come on, it's $1.99. I could have totally gotten away with charging you $13.99 for the paperback and you'd have been none the wiser. So just pretend that's what I did. And BUY MY BOOK.

OLYMPUS 10/25 – Domestic Disturbance: Police were summoned to the residence of Zeus and his wife Metis when neighbors complained of “a sound like somebody being eaten.” Officers found Zeus in his front yard, naked and apparently intoxicated. When questioned about the whereabouts of his pregnant wife Metis, Zeus claimed that she had “gone to the Circle K for some smokes.” Officers escorted Zeus inside the dwelling, where he fell asleep in an easy chair. His daughter, Athena, then emerged fully grown and outfitted for war, from his forehead. She declined to press charges.

**********

OLYMPUS 10/26 – Contract Dispute: Police received a call from one Atlas, who claimed he had been cheated by local celebrity Hercules. According to Atlas, Hercules had promised to hold up the sky for him while Atlas retrieved several golden apples from the garden of Hera and deliver them to King Eurystheus. Atlas claimed that Hercules had asked Atlas to “take the sky back for just a sec” while Hercules rearranged his cloak for padding on his shoulders. Atlas said that he agreed to this, but once he had taken the sky back on his own shoulders, Hercules simply left, saying “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.”

When reminded that stealing apples is a crime, Atlas retracted his statement, claiming there had been a “big misunderstanding.” Officers considered taking Atlas in for questioning, but decided it would be best for all parties if he continued to hold up the sky.

**********

CRETE 10/28 – Prison Escape: Police were alerted when it was learned that a prisoner of the Labyrinth Correctional Facility, one Theseus, escaped after killing the prison warden, Tobias “Toby” Gertner, a well-known and respected Minotaur. It is unknown how Theseus was able to escape from the supposedly impenetrable maze, nor how the guards missed the fact that the prisoner had concealed a three foot sword inside his garments. 

The Labyrinth has been shut down pending an official review, with one prison official stating, “I never did understand why they didn’t just build a big wall around the place.” A detective investigating the scene noted, “The whole thing smells like bullshit to me.”

While "self published" usually means "in need of an editor," that is not the case with this novel. Tight writing, excellent plot development, well rounded characters, and snappy dialogue make this one of the most entertaining novels of the year. 

Not since Kevin Smith's Dogma has such a heavy theological concept been portrayed so hysterically. Actually, Mercury Falls reads a bit like Dogma if it were scripted by Christopher Moore or maybe Chuck Klosterman. Kroese balances his apocalyptic subject matter with razor sharp dialogue and abundant pop culture references that had me glued to the book with a big grin on my face the whole time...when I wasn't laughing out loud, of course. How many books can accomplish that? Whether holding forth on intraplanar mass transit and the heavenly bureaucracy or the best way to get red wine out of a cashmere sweater, Kroese's words flow in an absolutely compelling manner. Each sentence seems like an effortlessly constructed work of satirical genius that without a doubt requires additional reading(s). 

Recalling Christopher Moore at his drollest, and Eric Dezenhall at his most irreverent, Robert Kroese hits the nail squarely on the head. Some of the dialogue is so witty, so Wildean, that you think you must have read those jokes before, but you haven't. It's all original. 

To the boys of my fifth grade class who were in attendance at Jeff Cornell’s 11th birthday party:

Hey fellas!

Wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let me get right to the point. I suppose you all remember Jeff Cornell’s 11th birthday party, where we slept over at his house at watched “The Rockford Files.” I’m sure we watched other stuff too, but I specifically remember watching “The Rockford Files” because “The Incredible Hulk” was on at the same time. Initially we were all in agreement that we should watch “The Incredible Hulk” because, after all, we were fifth grade boys, and what could be better than watching Lou Ferrigno smash through papier mache walls?

Yep, that was a great show – although I think we can agree that it could have used more Hulk and less David Banner. The tone of the show was all wrong; it should have been all about the Incredible Hulk and how awesome he was, and how much it sucked to have to keep turning back into Bill Bixby all the time. Every episode should have ended with the Hulk trudging along the side of the road, screaming at cars and trying to keep himself amped up so that he wouldn’t turn back into that little dork from “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father.” I wish I could turn into Lou Ferrigno when somebody pissed me off, even if it did mean going deaf and having to buy new pants.

Anyway, the point is that I’m fully aware of how awesome “The Incredible Hulk” was, and how disappointing it must have been to miss an episode, especially given the fact that nobody in our class would have a VCR until 1983. So I'm frankly at a loss to explain my behavior that evening. I’m not sure if it was my unfamiliar surroundings or what, but when the opening sequence of “The Incredible Hulk” came on, it scared the crap out of me. You have to admit, when David Banner gets bombarded with gamma radiation and green blobs start taking over his circulatory system, well, that’s some scary shit to a sensitive ten year old away from home. You may recall that I begged you guys to change the channel, and eventually Jeff’s mom took pity on me and suggested that we watch “The Rockford Files” instead. You guys were pissed off at me the rest of the night and then you made fun of me the next day at school.

Let me be clear that I don't hold any of that against you. Obviously, given the unmitigated awesomeness of “The Incredible Hulk,” I was in the wrong. After all, what fifth grader wants to watch James Garner as a smartass P.I. when he could be watching Lou Ferrigno tossing boulders as if they were made of styrofoam (which, now that I think about it, they probably were)?

Here’s what gets me, though. Do you guys remember that big cloth bag full of stuffed animals that Jim brought to the sleepover? I mean, teddy bears, bunny rabbits, raccoons, all kinds of baby shit like that? Where, I'm wondering, was the mockery for that? What the hell kind of sissy fifth grader brings a cloth sack filled with stuffed animals to a sleepover birthday party? You guys are all glaring at me for making you watch “The Rockford Files” (and by the way, I caught an episode on cable the other day and it holds up reasonably well), and meanwhile Jim is sitting there ensconced in a pile of cuddly bears and bunny rabbits. A little consistency would be nice, that’s all I’m saying.

Your pal,
Rob