Since my
retarded post, I've noticed that
several bloggers have begun
linking to me whenever they use the word "retarded." It's like I'm becoming the official Internet authority on retardedness. Which is, of course, awesome.
I used to be the
number one authority on sarcasm, but my sarcasm motivational poster has been appropriated so many times that nobody even remembers where it came from (except for me. I remember, Internet. I remember). If you do a Google image search for "sarcasm", you'll still find
my poster at number one, but sadly there is no indication of how hard I worked to find a funny picture from the TV show
Cops and then plug it into a motivational poster generator. The Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh awayeth.
Next time I make one of those, I'm going to put my website address in a watermark on it. For example:
Crap, I forgot again. Okay, just remember when this pops up on FUNNY SHITZ I FOUND ON TEH INTERWEBS DOT COM, that you saw it here first.
Anyway, retards. I started thinking, "Wouldn't it be cool if I really was the number one retarded site on the Internet?" And from there, I thought, "I wonder what is the number one retarded site on the Internet." And since I work at Google, I have access to a vast array of very powerful computers that can search the entire Internet in a matter of milliseconds.
Wikipedia. I should have known. It's like retard nirvana over there. It's like retardana.
I paged through the results trying to find my site, but I gave up after 20 pages, mostly because I was laughing too hard to keep clicking. I think I'm going to add
http://www.google.com/search?q=retarded to
Humor-Blogs.com. Seriously, go there sometime. It's hundreds of pages of deadpan use of the word
retarded. Who can compete with that?
Interestingly, not many people seem to have gotten the memo about not using the r-word. For example, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry seems determined to take the word back as an objective medical term. The first sentence on
this page is:
The term "mental retardation" is often misunderstood and seen as derogatory.
They don't deny, of course, that the word is funny. Because come on.
A few pages into the search results, you start running into
retarded ejaculation, which has got to be one of the funniest combination of words ever, even if you don't think about that dorm room scene in
Forrest Gump. Then there's a bunch of stuff about executing retarded people -- which, for the record, I'm against. Well, unless the retard killed someone, and even then, if you get yourself killed by a retard, who's really to blame?
There's an article about a retarded kid who is
serving 100 years in prison, which is pretty mean. I mean, why get the poor guy's hopes up? He's
retarded; what does he know from 100 years? Just tell him he's going to be in prison FOREVER. Otherwise he's just going to get confused marking days off on his
CSI: Miami calendar.
Is it 100 years yet? No, Jimmy, not yet.
On page seven, you find a
petition to stop people from using the word retarded. But then, on page 18, there's a
petition to stop executing the retarded. I'm conflicted about which petition to sign. After all, I don't want retarded people to be executed, but I don't want to offend anybody by signing a petition that refers to mentally challenged death row inmates as retarded either. And to further complicate things, if there aren't any retarded people any more, how do we know who it's okay to execute? I think these people need to be locked up in a room together and consolidate their various retarded causes. Maybe start the Confederated Alliance of Retarded Petitions or something.
The chick who is opposed to the word retarded uses the following analogy:
Imagine your name is Kelly, and one day, people decided to use the word "Kelly" to mean "gross." "Yuck! This food tastes so Kelly!" Wouldn't you want them to stop using your name like that?
Wow, I never thought of it like that. And, like, imagine your name was Rob, and one day, people decided to use the word "Rob" to mean "steal from." "Hey, let's go rob that liquor store!"
Okay, that's not the best example. But imagine your name is Retarded, and one day, people decided to start calling you Kelly. And they're like, "Hey, Kelly, let's go retarded that liquor store." And you're like, "What? I'm completely lost." And they're like, "That's because YOU'RE RETARDED, KELLY."
Hurts, doesn't it?
Anyway, the point of this post is that I want you all to keep using the word
retarded, as often as you possibly can, and I want you to link to this post when you do it. Yes,
this post. Not the
other retarded one, although you can link to that one too if you want. My goal is to be the
#1 retarded site on the Internet.
I care so much about being the most retarded site on the Internet that I'm going to violate my own moral compunction against memes. I'm tagging the following five bloggers for the Retarded Meme.
The rules are:
1. You must write a post using the word retarded. I don't care what it's about -- Joe Biden, teenage boys wearing girls' pants, whatever.
2. The word retarded must be a link to this post.
3. You are encouraged to tag five other bloggers to do the same.
I will totally understand if you don't want to participate because you are morally opposed to the use of the word retarded. I will understand that you are retarded.
Those of you that I didn't explicitly tag are, of course, also more than welcome to play. I will occasionally post a list of Retarded Bloggers who have participated in the meme, and keep you apprised of my status in the retarded Google rankings.
Simple Jack thanks you for your support!