My fellow Americans,
Thank you for electing me to be your president. No really, thanks. Way to break your 220 year streak of electing old white guys. Super-impressive.
Anyway, great to be here. I can't imagine anything more wonderful than being the president of the greatest nation in the world. Oh wait, yes I can: It would be cool if you didn't hand me a national debt of ten
trillion dollars and the biggest economic meltdown since the Great Depression. Also, maybe one of your last six or seven white guy administrations could have done something about the health care situation, the bankrupt Social Security program or all those shitty old levies. And how many unwinnable wars are we fighting right now? I count three, but I've been a little out of it lately with all the last minute campaigning. Still at three. Excellent.
That was some campaign, wasn't it? A real nail biter. I'm joking, of course. I won like 54 states. I think they were actually making up new states there toward the end, I was winning so badly. That was a good move, guys, pulling out of Michigan early. You know where else you should have pulled out of? North A-freaking-merica. I mean, what the hell? Were you even
trying? And this business with Miss Alaska. That was a joke, right?
Sorry, I don't mean to sound bitter. I'm glad I won. It's great for America, to have a black guy as President, even if... no, forget it. It's just great. That's all.
Look, I just want you to know that I'm on to you, okay? Wreck the country and then put a black guy in charge. Ha ha, very funny. Well, the joke's on you, because I'm stacking the Supreme Court with my homies, the first chance I get. Don't get too cocky about the time you shoved a brother in front of the train unless you want the Tyrell Jackson court slapping your lily ass with ten trillion dollars of reparations.
Yeah, so I campaigned on the theme of change. Unfortunately change is all we've got in the damn treasury, thanks to you bunch of I.O.U-issuing motherf---ers. So I'm going to start small, with the things that I have some control over.
First, I'm enacting a new affirmative action policy where anyone who has any power over my personal safefty has to be at least as black as I am. Tiger Woods need not apply, a'ight? The Secret Service will now be known as the Obama Posse. A well-regulated militia being necessary to keep my ass from getting gank'd, all Posse members will carry MAC-10s and will be empowered to cap the ass of anyone who doesn't give me my props, ya feel me? Anyone not running with my Posse can still carry a gun as long as they's at least fi'ty miles away from me or dead. You scapegoatin' bitches are going to have to hang with me for the full four.
Ok, so I gotta get working on my urban bailout plan. I'm going to give a Cadillac to anyone living in the inner city who doesn't have a criminal record or gold grillz. Figure it'll cost around a five hundred billion. But that's a'ight, because it'll trickle down to Wall Street eventually or some shit. If this ship's going down, it's going
down, yo. If you think we're in trouble now, you just wait four years.
Peace out.
Labels: Politics