Ok, I swear this is the last superhero post for a while. I promise I'll move on to something else equally juvenile after today. For today, though, I have a special treat for you: I actually did my own illustration to go along with my post about the Hulk. Yes, the amateurish drawing below may be the worst illustration I've used so far, but at least I won't get sued for using it. Unless it sucks so bad that Marvel Comics requests an injunction. Anyway, on with the post.
The Incredible Hulk is different from most superheroes in that Bruce Banner* can't control when he turns into the Hulk. I guess Diana Prince couldn't fully control her transormation into Wonder-Woman either, but she was safe as long as she didn't turn around too fast. I think the idea was originally to make the Hulk sort of an anti-hero Jekyll-and-Hyde type guy. Remember how sad he looked, walking along the side of the road at the end of each show, hoping that the next leap would be the leap home? Wait, I think I'm confused. Anyway, it was really sad.
The problem with the Hulk concept is that despite his "curse", the Hulk's super-strength always came in pretty handy for old Doc Banner. You'd think that after the seventeenth time the Hulk saved his ass, he'd rethink his quest for a "cure" for his condition. I wish I could turn into the Hulk when somebody pissed me off. Like I'd be in a meeting, explaining what was going to happen when we rolled out an application that I'd been working on for six months, and somebody would say, "Whoah, we can't have it do that." And I'd say, "But that's exactly what you said you wanted it to do in the requirements meeting back in June." And then they'd say, "Mmmmmm no, you must have misunderstood." And then I'd say, "Oh, did I misunderstand it when I wrote it up in a requirements document and sent it to you to review six months ago?" And they'd say, "Oh, I guess I didn't read that." And then I'd turn into the Hulk and rip out their spine through their abdomen. Or maybe just toss them through a paper-mache wall. Still, they'd get the idea.
Of course then everybody would know I was the Hulk, and they'd always be trying to get me to turn into the Hulk at parties and stuff. They'd be like, "Hey dude, did you hear that France has outlawed Arnold Schwarzenegger movies?" And I'd be like, "Oh no they didn't." And they'd be like, "Dude, it's totally true. That's just how evil they are." And I'd be like, "Pansy French bastards!" And they'd be like, "Yeah, doesn't that just make you SOOOOO angry?" And then I'd be like, "Hey, you're just trying to get me to turn into the Hulk again, like that time you told me Michael Moore was suing McDonald's for making him weigh 400 pounds." And they'd be like, "Oh come on, just do it. We brought a change of clothes for you."
Because if you were the Hulk, you'd go through a lot of clothes. I bet that's why he was so desperate for a cure. Remember, this was in the days before Costco, so he couldn't just buy 40 polyester-blend button-downs at a time. That's probably why he always had to hitch-hike too. You can't afford a car when you're shelling out $500 a week for new clothes. If I were him, I'd have just had a special Hulk-suit made out of whatever material was in his waistband. Talk about super-powers, he could have patented that waistband material. I mean, I have to unbutton my pants when I have too many yams at Thanksgiving, but his waistband could easily stretch to fit a man three times his size. And yet, those boot-cut slacks would split at the ankles. Curious.
I'd probably turn into the Hulk at really inappropriate times. Like the other day I dropped my tuna melt on the floor, so the cheese slid off and got all yucky. Man, I was so mad that I'd have turned into the Hulk for sure if I had it in me. Next thing I'd know, I'd wake up dazed and shirtless in my neighbor's orchard, craving a tuna melt but finding only rubble where my house had been. And that would make me so mad I'd turn into the Hulk again and smash the rubble into smaller rubble. This cycle would continue until I was too hungry and worn out to turn into the Hulk any more, and I'd have to drag my half-naked ass to Arby's for a Roast Beef and Cheddar. And the guys at Arby's would recognize me and be like, "Oh, we can't sell those any more because of the Michael Moore lawsuit." And I'd be like, "Guys, I'm not in the mood. Just give me the friggin' sandwich."
*He was actually named "David Banner" on the TV show, because the producers thought the alliteratively comic-booky "Bruce Banner" would detract from the serious tone of the show (In a way that a Lou Ferrigno covered in green powder breaking through styrofoam bricks did not, presumably).
Labels: Superheroes