California Town Fights Influx of Wal-Mart Shoppers
Ripon, California has escalated its struggle against big box stores such as Wal-Mart by taking aim at what it sees as the root of the problem: Wal-Mart shoppers. "We evaluate any prospective residents against a profile of the typical Wal-Mart shopper. Poor folks, single mothers and morbidly obese people are generally not allowed to move into town. When a community-destroying corporation like Wal-Mart looks at our city, they see that it's populated with snooty rich folks who frown on unreasonably low prices, not to mention child labor." City councilperson Karen C. Nautigan chafed at the suggestion that the policy was tantamount to discrimination. "We have no problem with blacks, gays, or any other group. Well, we are a little suspicious of the blacks. But only because of the crime and poverty they bring."
Ripon Farmer in a Quandary: Apples or Oranges?
John Kort of Ripon, California recently acquired 40 acres of farmland with the intention of planting apple trees, but now he is having second thoughts. "The other day someone suggested it might be better to plant oranges," Kort said. "I was really set on apples, but oranges make sense too." Kort asked around, but found no one with the expertise to help him decide between the two types of trees. Finally he sought help from the agriculture department at the University of California at Davis. UC Davis is one of the nation's premier centers of agricultural expertise, but Kort found no help there either. "This really is a pickle," said Tim McSweeney, head of the university's agriculture department. "We simply can't find any basis for comparison between the two fruits." McSweeney plans to request an $80 million federal grant to study the problem.
Fundamentalists Change Tactics in Fight Over Ten Commandments
A fundamentalist Christian organization announced today that they would be drastically changing their tactics in the fight to keep the Ten Commandments displayed in court houses and other public buildings. "We realize that a lot of people have a problem with the idea of the Ten Commandments as a whole," Joel Bazeer of Citizens for the Mosaic Decalogue said in a statement today. "So our idea is to break the Ten Commandments down into more palatable chunks and build support for them one by one."
The CMD will start by proposing a constitutional amendment with the text of the first commandment. The amendment reads simply:
I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
"I don't see how anybody could be offended by that," said Bazeer. "It's simply a statement by the Almighty God saying that we should all worship Him to the exclusion of all other gods."
Bazeer dismissed the idea that the Acknowledgment of the Supremacy of the Almighty God Amendment violates the principle of the separation of the church and state. "The term 'separation of church and state' doesn't even appear in the text of the Bible," said Bazeer.
"You mean the Constitution?" asked a reporter.
"Er, yeah, Constitution," said Bazeer.
Ford Halts Development of New Vehicles, Citing Shortage of Good Car NamesAutomaker Ford, Inc. today announced an indefinite hiatus in the development of new automobiles. CEO Alan Mulally explained that Ford had simply run out of names to give to any new vehicles. "The Mercury Mariner was kind of our last gasp," Mulally said. "And even that name was borderline unusable." A class action lawsuit was recently brought against Ford by consumers who attempted to use the Mariner as an amphibious vehicle.
Some analysts have traced Ford's problems to an unwillingness to make up new words, as GM has done with the Alero, Lumina, and Aztek. "We're not going down that road," Mulally said. "Where does it stop? I mean, Kia has just released a car called the Magentis. What the hell is that? If I bought a Magentis, I'd feel compelled to drive it straight off the lot to my vasectomy appointment."
Other car companies are also feeling the car name pinch. Executives at Volkswagen are rumored to have held several all-night car-naming sessions during which they channel surf between ESPN and the Discovery channel while under the influence of psychotropic substances. These sessions are thought to be responsible for the names Golf, Phaeton, Polo and Touareg. When asked to comment on the inspiration for these names, a senior Volkswagen executive responded, "We named a car WHAT?!"
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