Whew, I feel better. Don't you? I thought I'd post something a little more light-hearted today.
As you might guess, Mrs. Diesel and I have some odd conversations. Usually they start with me asking some bizarre question,
apropos of nothing, and then her humoring me until I get bored and move on to something else. Or she tells me to stop annoying her.
On the way to church last Sunday...
Diesel: You know that frog on the commercials, the one that tells kids not to swim in the canals?
Mrs. Diesel: Splasher?
Diesel: Yeah, Splasher. Isn't that kind of unfair? I mean, he's a frog, so he gets to swim in the canals, but he's like, "Hey you, kids, get out of my canal!"
Mrs. Diesel: What would you suggest then, if not a frog?
Diesel: How about a cat? The cat would be like, "Man, you do NOT want to go in that canal."
Mrs. Diesel: But people would just think the cat was biased, because cats hate water.
Diesel: Yeah, but he'd be like, "Trust me, do NOT go in the canal."
Mrs. Diesel: I think you need a more objective animal.
Diesel: How about a dog? The dog would be like, "Sure, I like water, but I don't swim in canals, and neither should you." They could use MacGruff the Crime Dog. He'd be like, "Take a bite out of crime. And stay out of canals."
...
At Del Taco, where Mrs. Diesel has just pointed out the "Toddler's Only" (sic) sign at the play area to our children...
Diesel: What is a 'toddler'?
Mrs. Diesel: One who toddles.
Diesel: What does it mean to 'toddle'?
Mrs. Diesel: To walk, sort of unsteadily.
Diesel: But nobody ever says that. Why do we call them toddlers if we don't ever talk about anyone toddling?
Mrs. Diesel: British people do.
Diesel: Ok, but we don't. We use the word 'toddler', but not the word 'toddle.'
Mrs. Diesel: True, we don't.
Diesel: Do you have to toddle to be a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: Yes.
Diesel: So what about a three year old who is paralyzed from the waist down? Is he a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: No.
Diesel: So he goes from being a baby to being a child without ever being a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: Right.
Diesel: What if his legs start to work when he's 40, so he can walk, but not very well, because he hasn't had any practice. Then is he a toddler?
Mrs. Diesel: No.
Diesel: That seems unfair.
...
Two weeks ago I seeded our lawn. For several days thereafter I was giving Mrs. Diesel daily reports on the germination status of the seeds. One day the seed really started to be taking off, so I walked into the living room where Mrs. Diesel was paying bills to give her an update.
Diesel: It looks like about half of the seed has made a decision to germinate.
Mrs. Diesel: (Distracted) That's great.
Diesel: You know, they've put in a lot of hard work.
Mrs. Diesel: Uh huh.
Diesel: I think they would appreciate it if you would come out and say a few words.
Mrs. Diesel: (Impatiently) Paying bills.
Diesel: They've been working really hard, and it would really mean a lot to them.
Mrs. Diesel: (Glaring)
Diesel: And I, uh, kind of already told them you would be coming out.
Mrs. Diesel: Get out.
Diesel: It doesn't have to be a big long speech or anything, but I think they would really appreciate it...
Mrs. Diesel: Get on the other side of that door NOW.
About an hour later I noticed Mrs. Diesel walking out to our driveway to survey the sprouting lawn. I hurried over to stand next to her.Mrs. Diesel: (Clears her throat and raises her right hand to greet the seedlings.) You've all, uh, done a great job here, and I just wanted to say how much we, uh, appreciate all of your, um, hard work. I know it, uh, hasn't always been easy, and I want you to know that you've, uh, exceeded all of our expectations and, well, you've just done a great job. So, uh, carry on.
Diesel: (Looks quizzically at Mrs. Diesel) You know they're asleep, right?
At this point I had to run for my life.Did you enjoy this post? There's plenty more like it in my book,
Antisocial Commentary. Order your copy and help me to not have to get a real job, so I can keep writing this crap. Thanks!
Humor-blogs.com has never toddled.
Labels: Exemplary Police Work, Mrs. Diesel