Hail, carrion-in-waiting!
I am Grûndir the Implacable, Nazgûl and Meme-Wraith. I serve the dark lord Diesel in the capacity of dispatching troublesome memes from these premises.
It has come to my attention that there has been some scurrilous talk since my last appearance on this blog. Rumor would have it that I have been 'sulking' in Diesel's barn, scrap-booking and listening to Foghat, afraid to show my face because of the lukewarm reception to my last post. Allow me to put these baseless lies to rest.
Imagine, Grûndir the Implacable craving the affirmation of faceless blog readers! The notion is laughable. Mark this, blood-bags: Long after you have withered, fig-like in your graves, I will roam the land in my ceaseless quest to wipe memes and hobbits from the face of the earth.
Yes, thousands of years from now the sages of a future age will pore over records of this era, tracing the origins of the great meme-slaughter, saying to one another, "Truly, Grûndir the Implacable was one bad motherf***er. Does this comprehensive and nicely annotated scrapbook not attest to this fact?"
And I shall sit on my throne, an unquestioned despot, ruling over a golden age free of both memes and unnaturally abbreviated mammals, surveying what I have wrought. Throngs of creatures, both living and undead, shall assemble before me to gaze upon my ominous visage and hear my flawless rendition of "Slow Ride" on Guitar Hero 3.
Anyway, that is the plan. I think those are reasonable goals, but I do not want to over-commit, you know? Maybe I shall decide to raise alpacas instead.
But enough of this talk! On to the matter at hand.
This blog has become a veritable breeding ground for memes of late. Take, for example, the "Excellent Blog Award," granted by both
Jeffrey Ellis and
Daisy. Tracing the genealogy of this meme, I have determined that it is over ten weeks old. Now if each recipient of this award followed the instructions and tagged ten more blogs, and if each generation in the propagation of this meme takes a week, then after seven weeks this meme will have been awarded to
ten billion blogs. And as there are only about 100 million blogs at present, this means that every single blog in existence should have received this award 100 times. I therefore castigate the readers of this blog for your failure to deliver the other 98 Excellent Blog Awards that are due. Your insolence will not be tolerated!
Daisy has also tagged this blog with the most vile meme that I have yet encountered: the innocent-sounding "book meme." One might expect this meme to give one the opportunity to list the six most recent books one has read, but this meme has no such lofty ambitions. It expects us to:
1. Pick up the nearest book ( of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people & post a comment here once you post it to your blog, so I can come see.
The purpose of this meme is, in other words, to propagate complete gibberish across the Internet. I cannot express to you how thankful I am that someone has finally taken on that task.
It so happens that the nearest book to me is the scrapbook I have been working on, so here are my sentences:
"Vigorous flailing, while inconvenient, is a sign that you have picked a particularly robust hobbit to torture -- weak, sickly hobbits are easier to manage, but do not provide as much amusement over the long term. Note that if the creature flails wildly and screams for its mother when you pierce its flesh with a sharpened stake, you may have accidentally bagged a boy scout. Look for the telltale kerchief and hairless feet."
Quilly has pawned off the "Message in a Bottle" meme. I am supposed to put a message that means something to me in the bottle. This one is actually hits rather close to home.
I do not expect you to understand.
Kev tagged this blog for the "To Do List" meme, which requires that I list five things on my “to do” list for the week that are not related to work. This one is easy:
1. Set hobbit traps.
2. Check hobbit traps.
3. Torture hobbits.
4. Scrap!
5. Bury hobbits.
For all of these memes, I tag the Rosicrucians, Melanie Griffith, anyone who has seen the Virgin of Guadalupe, Randall "Tex" Cobb, Edith Wharton, Oscar Goldman, Gwen Stacy's clone, the last three people to die in
Reservoir Dogs, the man from U.N.C.L.E., Jello Biafra,
Wampy, Warren G. Harding, the guy who played Doogie Howser's best friend, and Glacial Spain.
The memes in these parts are getting so out of hand that I have decided to take offensive action against them. I am offering my meme-dispatching services to anyone who requests my assistance. Simply post my meme-protection badge on your blog and I shall take care of any memes that come your way. When someone tags you, let me know (by posting on your blog, submitting a comment here, or sending me electronic mail) and I will dispatch the meme either with a guest post on your blog or a post here. You can contact me via electronic mail at grundir[at]mattresspolice.com.
My lord Diesel has provided the code for the badge here:
If his duties for the kingdom of Googul permit, my master shall return on Friday for another round of the caption contest. Be here, and have your wits about you!
Labels: Meme Wraith