Congratulations on your selection of the Cerebronix Diesel 1000 Carbon-Based Brain!
The Diesel 1000 is a state of the art cerebral engine that takes advantage of the latest in organic brain technology. We think you’ll be glad you chose the Diesel 1000.
Note that the Diesel 1000 is a high performance machine designed for a wide range of abstract thinking purposes. We do not recommend the Diesel 1000 for casual brain users. If you plan to use your brain primarily for mundane tasks such as doing geometry homework and remembering dentist appointments, we recommend exchanging your Diesel 1000 for something from our PracticalBrain line. You may also be interested in our Cerebroutine module, which allows your brain to easily focus on repetitive activities for hours at a time. The Diesel 1000 is not designed for such tasks, and using it in this way may void your warranty.
Features
The Diesel 1000 is designed for abstract thinking. Your brain can be used for all sorts of tasks, from making up absurd lies to designing database schemas. The analytical engine used by the Diesel 1000 is very powerful, and features an onboard counterfactual processor, which allows your brain to devise absurd hypothetical scenarios and discount empirical reality. The Diesel 1000’s analytical engine should be used with care. If proper precautions are not taken to keep the analytical engine in check, serious problems can result. (See Troubleshooting below).
The primary memory module of the Diesel 1000 has been optimized for storing abstract concepts and vast amounts of trivial information, such as the names of sitcom characters and the planet that the aliens were from in Highlander 2. It is not designed for storing addresses, appointment times, the names of people you may actually meet in real life, etc. Diesel 1000 users are encouraged to obtain an external storage/reminder device for remembering such items.
New in this model
The Diesel 1000 now comes equipped with Cerebronix’s high-performance H42 humor module. Users of previous Cerebronix models often expressed frustration at their inability to get their brain to function as expected while performing various mundane tasks such as trying to get to a job interview or perform simple repetitive manual labor. While the humor module does not actually facilitate these tasks, it creates an existential buffer between the Diesel 1000’s core processor and the reality of the situation. This helps keep your brain from becoming unstable. Note that you should only rely on the humor module to protect your brain until you can get out of the situation that is causing the existential threat. Failure to do so may void your warranty. (See Troubleshooting below).
Troubleshooting
This section outlines some common problems users may experience when operating the Diesel 1000.
Recently I followed another driver to a party in a strange part of town. I tried to get the Diesel 1000 to memorize the route, but it insisted on imagining a hypothetical scenario in which KITT’s voice in Knight Rider was provided by Charles Nelson Reilly.
This is normal operation for the Diesel 1000. The Diesel 1000 is a highly imaginative machine that needs constant mental stimulation. If it is in a situation where the available input is not sufficiently interesting, the counterfactual processor will automatically activate, providing amusement for the Diesel 1000.
After the party, I asked for directions back to the freeway. I tried to get the Diesel 1000 to pay attention to what the person was saying, but as soon as they mentioned turning on ‘Elm Street,’ it became fixated on devising a Nightmare on Elm Street joke that it could work into conversation at the next available opportunity.
This is also normal operation for the Diesel 1000. The Diesel 1000 is not designed for retaining detailed instructions. If the directions are very important to you, we suggest singing them to the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song.
I think I’m lost. I have no idea how to get back to the freeway. Does this thing have any kind of guidance system?
No.
Ok, I’m definitely lost. Seriously. Help me out here. I’m in a really bad part of town and I don’t even know what direction I’m going.
We recommend activating your Diesel 1000’s humor module until the threat has passed.
Why does the Diesel 1000 refuse to stop and ask someone for directions?
The Diesel 1000 is an XY-series brain, and is therefore incapable of asking a stranger for directions. Also, what’s the point? Remember the Charles Nelson Reilly thing?
Yeah, that was pretty funny.
Exactly.
Sometimes I catch the Diesel 1000 wondering if life has any purpose. It gets stuck making the simplest decisions, constantly wondering “What’s the point?”
Your brain is in an infinitely recursive “why” loop. This can happen if the Diesel 1000 is not given enough abstract problems to solve. In such a case, the Diesel 1000’s counterfactual processor kicks in, developing new problems for the analytical engine to solve. When the counterfactual processor runs out of problems, it posits the Diesel 1000’s own existence as a problem to be solved by the analytical engine. The analytical engine is unable to solve this problem, and the inability to solve this problem becomes another problem for it to solve. The analytical engine is also unable to solve that problem. And so it goes, until your Diesel 1000’s resources are being consumed entirely by an infinite number of unsolvable problems.
The H42 humor module is designed to recognize the absurdity of this situation and take enjoyment from it.
At some point, however, the humor module is likely to be overwhelmed.
In this case, we recommend having your brain serviced by a professional.
About this documentation
The Diesel 1000 is designed to be self documenting.
If you are reading this documentation, congratulations!
Your brain has reached a rudimentary understanding of its own mental processes, and has taken it upon itself to explain its basic inner workings to you.
Although this will likely produce a feeling of relief and perhaps even happiness, you should be aware that this documentation is by no means complete, and may contain errata.
You can expect an update to this document in another 38 years. Good luck and have fun with your brain!
Humor-blogs.com has half a mind not to list this post.
Labels: Full of Myself