Congrats (again), Brad!

Well, Brad did it again. But if you think I'm making a 4x banner, you're kidding yourself. Maybe I'll start a caption contest hall of fame. Yeah, that sounds easier.

I will send you a copy of my book if you want, Brad, though I think you might already have one. Maybe I'll send you one of Joel's books instead.

Sue Wilkey came in second with:

Now, Hulk, be a good boy and go put Arkansas back.

And Poke came in third with an entry that makes me giggle every time I read it:

I'm just a man, standing in front of a Hulk, asking it to love him.

Thanks for playing, everybody. Have a great weekend. And don't forget to visit Humor-Blogs.com on your way out.

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Sock Drawer

It must be about time for another sock drawer post. This is where I do some housecleaning of all the odd ideas that are cluttering up the corners of my mind. Enjoy.

When I was a kid, there was a thing called "I.Q.", which measured one's intelligence. There was only one kind of intelligence, so everybody only got one number. These days there are a bunch of different kinds of intelligence. For example, there's emotional intelligence, spatial intelligence, musical intelligence, etc. Now I'm sure that this is a big step forward and all, but when is somebody going to get around to cataloging all of the varieties of stupidity? Because I count at least 38.

In a similar vein, someone recently told me that when you get your picture taken for your passport, they ask you not to smile. The rationale is that it's easier to identify someone who isn't smiling, because there are a lot of different ways to smile. I guess that makes sense, but I don't think the bureaucrats counted on the fact that I have 67 different ways of looking surly.

One of these days the ACLU is going to start a campaign to change the name of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Just watch.

I think that each religion should have its own email system, tailored to meet the needs of its adherents. For example, the Jewish email system would keep nagging you to email your mother, and the Agnostic email system would never tell you whether your emails actually got through to anyone. If you wanted to avoid getting viruses, you'd do well to convert to Buddhism: no attachments.

I have this little digital recorder that I keep in my car so that I can record these kinds of thoughts when they pop into my head on the way to work. A few weeks ago I had come up with an idea for Radioactive Liberty's Sunday Retarded Argument, but couldn't remember what it was. Suddenly I remembered, so I grabbed the recorder and babbled just enough to remind myself later. And then I burst into laughter, because I was on a winding 2-lane road in the mountains and I had a sudden flash that if I died in a tragic car crash right then, my last words on this earth would have been "Greg Evigan."

I don't know why they call the lion the "king of the jungle." Lions don't even spend much time in the jungle. They live on the plains, and only venture into the jungle when they are desperate for food. Calling the lion the "king of the jungle" is like calling Hillary Clinton "the senator from New York."

We have a lot of gangs in California, and my wife likes to point out the gang signs that have been spraypainted on the walls of buildings (evidently being a fourth grade teacher requires one to be versed in gang communications). The other day she pointed to something that had been scrawled on the back of a stop sign. "That's the Norteño gang," she said. "That's the Roman numeral for 14, and N is the 14th letter of the alphabet." I couldn't help being impressed. Say what you want about the corrosive effect of gangs on society, but apparently they're teaching kids Roman numerals and cryptography, which is more than I can say for our public schools.


Humor-blogs.com is the king of the interwebs.

Vote!

Ok, folks, here are the top ten. I forgot to mention it when I posted the pic, but I will be giving away a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary to the winner. Vote wisely!

And while you're in a voting mood, head over to Crummy Church Signs and vote for my comment. I'm not going to win, but if a few of you vote for me I will be spared the humiliation of coming in dead last.

Also, would it kill you to click this link? I've fallen to number ten on my own blog directory. Talk about humiliating. I'm now officially below something called "Foundshit." Come on people, help me out here.

The captions...

Alice said...

Sorry Hulk, but the frozen food gig's been filled.


Brad said...

Another eHarmony.com success story...


Glacial Spain said...

Big Green Guy - or Tiny Diesel? You be the judge


Lonie Polony said...

"Okay, I'll give you ten bucks for it, but that's my final offer. We're a scrap metal yard, not a charity."


y not i said...

Yes, yes. It's impressive that you can make a tank into the shape of a donkey's head. But my daughter wanted someone who could do BALLOON animals at her birthday party.


Kelley said...

As the Hulk disrobed for his love scene with Diesel, Ang Lee got the inspiration for the title of next movie - Broken Back Mounting.


Sparrow said...

Diesel realized that getting the Hulk to become a Scientologist was not going to be as easy as Travolta claimed.


Poke said...

I'm just a man, standing in front of a Hulk, asking it to love him.


Bex said...

Hulk: I wish I knew how to quit you.


Sue Wilkey said...

Now, Hulk, be a good boy and go put Arkansas back.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

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Saturday Morning in the Bedroom of Good and Evil

ow the Red Vine was more tempting than any of the other candies which the parents had bought. And the Red Vine said to the girl, Yea, hath your parents said, Ye shall not eat of any candy in the pantry? And the girl said unto the Red Vine, We may eat of the candy in the pantry, but only after a healthy dinner and with parental approval. The parents have said, Ye shall not eat candy, neither shall ye touch it, before your mother and father get up on Saturday morning, lest ye die. And the Red Vine said unto the girl, Ye shall not surely die: For your parents know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. And when the girl saw that the Red Vine was sugary and laced with artificial flavors and colors that were pleasant to the eyes and nose, and a candy to be desired to make one wise, she took of the Red Vine, and did eat, and gave also unto her brother with her; and he did eat. And they gorged themselves on Red Vines, but learned nothing to speak of, for the Red Vine lied to them about that part.

And they heard their mother making coffee: and the boy and the girl hid themselves from the presence of their mother amongst the toys in their room. And their mother opened the door to the children’s room and saw that the boy’s face was smudged in red, for verily he is the messiest eater of all God’s creatures. And she said, Child, what have you been eating? And the boy said, Maybe a Red Vine. And she said, How many did you eat? And he said, Maybe three. And the boy said, The sister whom thou gavest to me, she gave me of the candy, and I did eat. And the mother said unto the girl, What is this that thou hast done? And the girl said, The Red Vine beguiled me, and I did eat.

And the mother said unto the Red Vine, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all candies, and above every snack item and munchie; in the garbage shalt thou go. But then she hid the Red Vines in the back of the pantry, for the mother had nothing against the Red Vines, and was looking forward to having some later.

Unto the children she said, Wait until your father gets up. And then the children’s father got up, and he too was displeased. He looked upon the boy’s face and said, Really? You expected us not to notice this? And then he cast the children out of their room. But then he sent them back to their room and said, Before I cast you out, I want you to clean your room, for your room is a pig sty. After they had cleaned their room, he cast them out again, and made them work outside, moving rocks and doing all sorts of unpleasant tasks that he didn’t feel like doing.

At the end of the day, the children went to bed without dessert. And the mother said, Behold, your children are very naughty. And the father said, My children? The girl started it, and she takes after you. And the mother said, Whatever. Let us forbid them from having any candy or dessert for the next week. And the father agreed.

And once the children were in bed, the parents discussed amongst themselves what candy they would eat that evening.

If you enjoyed this post, may I also recommend: Mixed Fruits and Metaphors | Mrs. Diesel Speaks! If you visit humor-blogs.com, you shall be as gods, knowing what is funny and what is not funny.

Caption Contest: The Hulk

You have to feel a little bad for Ang Lee. He's a respected director who did his best to make a decent superhero movie. Sadly, no one told him that when you're making a movie called The Hulk, you shouldn't make the audience wait 40 minutes before they see the Hulk. Mrs. Diesel and I made the mistake of seeing The Hulk at a matinee; by the time the Hulk started doing interesting stuff like bounding through the desert and biting the heads off missiles and spitting them at helicopters, the theater had been overrun by middle-schoolers who were bored out of their minds after the seventeenth lingering shot of moss on a rock.

So now they're pulling a Batman Begins and making another Hulk movie, pretending that the last one never happened. How do you think that makes Ang Lee feel? (And don't say, "anglee," because you wouldn't like him when he's anglee.) Even I Know What You Did Last Summer evidently warrants two sequels (the last one being called -- no joke -- I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer). But The Hulk was such a mess that they're calling a do-over, only five years after the first one came out. At least Ang Lee was smart enough to make his next movie about gay cowboys, so that there would be absolutely no chance of any audience overlap.

Anyway, you know where this is going. That's me with the big green guy. Submit your captions in the comments. The lovely and pensive Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I'll post a poll on Tuesday. Have fun!



I'll be back on Monday with a brand new post that's so awesome that you'll forget all about how lame this blog has been lately.

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