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Diesel's Rules for Life #37

Don't ever believe a label that says "self-cleaning."

Unless it's on a cat.

Can We Get It Into Gear Already?

I recently ran across the notes that I took at a meeting I attended at Galactic Invertebrates a few weeks before I quit. My "notes" consisted entirely of cliches used by my boss to indicate we were finally going to stop wasting time and get something done:

• Navel-gazing
• Mental masturbation
• Get this done
• Get real
• Get on with it
• Where the rubber meets the road
• Implement the second we leave this room

That's leadership, baby.

This Just In

Why do newscasters say, "And now, this"? Is it ever anything else? Just once I'd like to hear the anchor correct himself and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Looks like Bill doesn't have this ready yet. So instead we go live to Sandra Sullivan with that."

Employee Retention Program

If I owned a company, I'd let all my employees choose their own nicknames, and then require that all the employees call each other by their nicknames. Then when people got fed up and wanted to quit, they'd be like, "Sure, this other company pays more and the benefits are better, but there's no way I'd be able to get all my new co-workers to call me Snake Eyes."

Another Deep Thought

Sex is the only activity where the amateurs are more respected than the
professionals.

What, I Can't Post Something Deep Once in a While?

To laugh at something it to simultaneously claim mastery of it and surrender to its power over you.

And You Thought Lung Cancer Was Bad

The CEO at my old job had a balcony outside his office. When he wasn't around, the employees would go out there and smoke. He was a smoker himself, so it was kind of assumed that he didn't mind. After this had gone on for a while, though, he sent an email assuring us that while the smoking didn't bother him, he would appreciate it if the other smokers would "help from time to time with the butt purging."

I'm not sure about the rest of the employees, but that was enough to make me quit cold turkey.

Because if the Space Invaders are Against it, You Know It's Bad

Even The Übermensch Had The Occasional Off-Day

Nietszche once said, "You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star."

God knows why.

Nuclear or Something Like That

In what has become an annual tradition of prognostications, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in "mass killing" late in 2007.

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network. "The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

Well of course he didn't say "nuclear," Pat. God pronounces it nucular.

Why I'm Married to J.

Me: Hey, what's the name of that city that's just on the other side of the, uh, you know...

J: San Mateo Bridge?

Me: Yeah.

J: San Mateo.

A Simple Creed

Hey, remember a few years ago when you guys were all trying to tell me how great Creed was? And I was like, ehhhh, they're ok. And then last year you were all talking about how Creed sucks a**, and I was still like, ehhh, they're ok.

Well, I just wanted to let you know that the pendulum is swinging back the other way, so now is the time to get ahead of the trend.

Oh, and I'm still right.

I Might Just Have to Move to New Jersey

Wanted: Mattress Inspector

Because "Guelph" Sounds More Like a Character from The Dark Crystal

For a while I've wanted to do a quiz called 'Comic book sound effect or Canadian city?' but the only one I can come up with is "Banff."