All Hail Goat Head

Recently I wrote about how my yard is infested with a satanic weed known as Goat Head. It occurs to me now that my characterization of this plant may have been a little unfair. The fact is that Goat Head is an integral part of the ecosystem in this area. Every living thing in creation has a purpose, and the purpose of Goat Head is to rule with a great fiery sword over the Infernal Dominion of Demon Weeds.

In case you missed my previous post about Goat Head, here he is now:



I know, he doesn't look that bad, but when you step on him it feels like this:



And don't get me started on what he can do to your tires.

Legend has it that Goat Head came into being when Cerberus, the three-headed demon dog, humped Satan's leg. Some of Cerberus' demon seed dripped off Satan's ankle and landed on Satan's Area Rug -- also known as the California Central Valley -- and Goat Head was born.

Goat Head gathered strength from the ungodly Central Valley heat and, unlike non-Satanic vegetation, did not require water to survive. Rather than using the energy of the sun to convert carbon dioxide and water into sugar, Goat Head used the energy of hate to transform hope into fear, joy into sorrow, and puppies into sugar. Goat Head laughed at 110 degree heat and chortled at dry, cracked earth. He was also mildly amused by fire, although it did tend to get old after a while. Soon Goat Head was strong enough to raise up for himself an army of demon-weed minions.

First he spawned his lieutenant, Stinging Nettle. Stinging Nettle looks like this:



Stinging Nettle's leaves are coated with microscopic protrusions that irritate the skin. Magnified 1000 times, they look like this:



There are many lesser demon-weeds, such as Foxtail, shown here:



Again, it doesn't look very threatening, but magnify it ten thousand times and you can see that it's made up of demons with the face of Pauly Shore.



Sorry about the nightmares, by the way.

Fortunately, I have found a way to live in harmony with the demon-weed population by carefully introducing the demon-weed's natural predator, Roundup(TM). I doubt I'll ever win the fight against the demon-weed hordes, but with the help of concentrated poisons I may at least be able to make the infestation seem relatively innocuous by dying slowly of cancer.

Cancer, by the way, looks like this:



That's right, cancer is a big, scary clown with the face of David Hasselhoff.


Humor-blogs.com may have forgotten to take its medication today.

Get your captions in by noon on Tuesday, or you will be flogged with Pauly Shore.

The Devil's Weed

It irritates me that marijuana is illegal. Not because I smoke pot, but because I think throwing people in jail for growing marijuana is a phenomenal waste of tax dollars, considering that there are so many other plants that I'd like to see outlawed.

There are many differing opinions on marijuana, but here's something we can all agree on: Poison ivy sucks ass. If we're going to outlaw plants, why don't we start with poison ivy? Is there a strong pro-poison ivy lobby that I'm not aware of? Who exactly is standing in the way of outlawing poison ivy? Is it Haliburton? It is, isn't it? Those greedy, rash-inducing bastards.

There is no poison ivy around my house, but my property is infested with plenty of other gratuitously cruel and ugly plants. I live in the California Central Valley, on a parcel of land that used to be an orchard. Yeah, I'm one of the people who's responsible for the disappearance of our precious farmland. Occasionally some wistful old crank will write a letter to the local paper complaining about how developers are destroying all of our farmland. "50 years ago this area was all orchards," they say. Which is true. On the other hand, why stop at 50 years? A hundred years ago, before we started moving rivers around, it was all desert. Why doesn't someone start a campaign to stop the destruction of our historic uninhabitable wastelands?

It is true, of course, that we need farmland. If we keep losing farmland, our nation's food production capabilities may decline to the point where our children are eating only six or seven meals per day. "Mommy, why don't we eat linner or snackfast any more?" little Susie will cry, clutching her growling tummy, now almost completely hidden by her extra-large t-shirt. What will we say then? That mommy needed a three stall garage so now there are no Cheetos farmers any more?

But as important as agriculture is to the cause of making sure America's children remain the largest in the world, it's not like the Central Valley has been farmland since the molten lava on earth's crust cooled over 800 years ago. Trust me, the greater Modesto area would not naturally revert to a scene on a salad dressing label if the pesky humans just stopped building stuff on it.

In fact, if I were to let my land revert to its "natural" state, it would look like this:



Pretty awful, huh? Instead, thanks to a lot of hard work and persistence, it now looks like this:



Yeah, I haven't had much time to work on the landscaping. Still, the trees look nice, don't they? I'm thinking some azaleas would really spruce the place up.

Here is a sampling of the "natural" vegetation around here:



We call this "puncture vine," or -- more affectionately -- "goat heads. " Doesn't look too bad, does it? Nice little yellow flowers, lovely greenery... but say, what are those little bumpy seed thingies?

A close-up of one of the "goat heads," also known as HOLY SHIT WHAT IS STICKING OUT OF MY FOOT?!?!



In case that's not clear enough, here's a magnified image:



Step on one of those things some time and then tell me that marijuana is really the problem we want to spend our resources on.


What the hell is that sticking out of my foot? Oh, it's just humor-blogs.com.