Vote!

Man, it was tough picking my ten favorites this time. I had to exclude some really good captions to keep it down to ten. Cast your vote and then check back this Saturday to see the final results. Hopefully I've got the poll settings configured so you can actually see the damn voting button this time. Let me know if you have any trouble voting.

One housekeeping item before I get to the finalists: I have FINALLY finished reading Godel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid by Douglas R. Hofstader suggested by Wolfe from Wolfe's Musings. That's right, I haven't forgotten about the Lamest Contest Ever. I've just been really busy lately, and that book was 700 freakin' pages long. I will be posting my thoughts on GEB at Central Booking tomorrow. I have moved on to Foreigner by C.J. Cherryh suggested by Claire from Notes from a WildCat Fan. Hopefully this one will only take a week or two.


Ok, on to the caption contest finalists:

Why the hell hasn't Snoopy shot down that damned Red Baron yet?!?

- Joel Bezaire

Damn it Roger, I told you to upgrade from the "snag the passengers with a grappling hook from a biplane" fare!

- Harmonica Man

Rog: I can't believe you peed in the pilot's goggles.
Diesel: Why do you think he hasn't shot us yet?

- furiousBall

Thornhill ran for his life, not knowing that Diesel had hired the pilot to drop 45 water balloons on him. What a birthday present this would be...

- Tammie Jean

The pilot had despaired of ever finding a likely landing strip. Then he spotted the top of Diesel's head.

- Jocelyn

"I'm trying, Diesel, but I can't stop running in circles!"
"Shut up Roger, or I'll nail your other foot to the ground."

- crazy aunt neva

Dude, next time you wanna dine and dash at the nudie bar down by the airport, let's not do it on chimichanga night. I think I'm having a freakin' heart attack.

- Sher

Ice cream man!
Ice cream man!!
ICE CREAM MAN!!!...
Oops, sh*t. He's coming back. Run for it!

- Glacial Spain

"Maybe we should have tried south by southeast."

- G

Diesel: No, Roger, I don't think it IS "just an itty bitty wittle model."

- Candace

Opinion Polls & Market Research

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Vote!

Ok, folks. I've narrowed down the list of captions to ten. Vote for your favorite one. I'll post the results on Saturday. Thanks for participating, everybody!



The Finalists:

"You blinked."

"Did not."

"You so totally blinked."

"Did not."

"Did too. I just saw you. You blinked."

"Did not."

"My stare has remained unwavering. You, however, blinked."

"Did not."

"Hey, um, LOOK! There's a latex glove masquerading as a condom hanging on the wall behind us!"

"Is not."

- Jocelyn

"I see dead people. But then, I'm not a very good doctor."

- neva

"I don't like the looks of that hairline."

-Mr. Fabulous

For once, Diesel was grateful for his wife's bad taste in ties. Set against his equally hideous shirt, it created a distracting strobe, ensuring his victory in the staring contest.

- Not Karen

"Examine you?! House, they don't make latex gloves thick enough for me to examine you!"

- Pavel

House finds his antisocial soul mate in a chance encounter by the used condom dispenser.

- bice

"You wanna go, Vicodin Boy? 'Cause we'll go!"

- Robin

"You, House, are a very, very, very nice House. With two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard. Now everything is easy 'cuz I look like you."

- Gawpo

What the hell DID you expect somebody named "Diesel" to smell like?!?

- Joel Bezaire

Dr. Diesel: No, I'm not 'feeling very sleepy', and no I won't take off my pants!

- Candace

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Everybody's a winner at humor-blogs.com.

Building, Blogging and Blabbing

Hi all. Things are heating up with the house-building so I'm probably not going to have quite as much time for blogging. I'll try to stick to my MWF schedule, but my posts are more likely to be of the random musings variety than the more ambitious and/or amphibious satire and/or Photoshop entries. I may not be stopping by your blogs quite as much either for a while, although I'll be there in spirit.

I also wanted to let you know about Mad Kane's Spring Limerick Contest. She's giving away cash money for the best limericks about spring! I'd write one, but as I told Mad Kane, I'm lousy with limericks. I think I may need to fumigate.

I'll be back tomorrow with a post that will moisturize curly and wavy hair to tame frizz.

Congratulations!

Better late than never, here are the winners of the Funniest Blog Post contest for February. Congratulations to the winners and thanks to everybody who voted and/or participated!

1st Place:

Crummy Church Signs: Peter?

2nd Place:

The Hot Librarian: Captain Jack has a problem with authority

3rd Place (tie):

The Drive-By Blogger: One Day at a Time

and

Apropos of Something: Eight Bald Women Who Look Better than Britney

As promised, I have reorganized humor-blogs.com. Blogs are now given a score, which determines the order in which they are listed. Each blog's score is determined by two things: A "reviewer" score and a "referral" score. I'd explain how it all works, but I don't feel like it. Go there and see if you can figure it out.

One thing I will add is that my own blog is subject to the same ranking system as everyone else's. I've given myself a "reviewer" score of 50 -- the same as every other unreviewed blog. The only reason I'm listed first is because of all my shameless whoring of the site. Try it, it's fun!

I'll be back on Monday with a very special Blossom.

Last Chance to Vote in the Funniest Post Contest!

I was going to post a link to the rebroadcast of my performance on PopLoad Monday night, but the show was only available for about 6 minutes on the NowLive website. There doesn't seem to be any kind of archive of previous shows; such is the ephemeral nature of internet talk radio. So you're going to have to just trust me when I say that I was incisive, scintillating and about six other words that PopLoad's audience wouldn't understand.

And if you're here because you heard about this site on PopLoad, welcome! And just kidding! I'd post a link to their website, but the whole internet radio thing is like so 6 minutes ago.

The important thing is that today is the last day to vote in the Funniest Blog Post contest! Get your vote in today. The future of humanity depends on it. I will post the final results on Saturday. In related news, I will also be announcing a major shake-up of Humor-Blogs.com on Saturday. Find out who ends up on top, who ends up on the bottom, and who gets squashed in the middle!

That's it for now. I'll be back tomorrow with a brilliant new blog marketing gimmick. Trust me. This is going to be HUGE.

Vote!

Here are the finalists for the Funniest Blog Post for the month of February. I received 18 nominations, and these were painstakingly pared down to eight by a select panel of judges. Or, if it helps you sleep at night, you can just assume that I'm a biased jerk with no sense of humor. I could give a shit.

Anyway, here are the ones that made the cut. They are all worth a visit, so take some time this weekend to read them and then come back here and VOTE. Kay? Kay. Polls close at midnight Pacific time on Thursday, March 8.

It Came From Allen's Brain: Happy Abe Lincoln's Birthday!

Crummy Church Signs: Peter?

Pointless Drivel: It Would Have Made a Better Story

The Drive-By Blogger: One Day at a Time

Eight Bald Women Who Look Better than Britney

Lowering the Bar: Generic Funny Post

Dan's Blah Blah Blog: Germans and Hyenas

The Hot Librarian: Captain Jack has a problem with authority

Izzle Pfaff!: It's The Only Thing


POLLS ARE CLOSED! Thanks for participating!

Get Your Funny Post Nominations in TODAY!

Tonight is the deadline for submitting funny posts for the Funniest Blog Post Contest. You can email your nominations to diesel -at- mattresspolice.com. Email a link, not the whole post.

Posts must be dated from February and be posted on a blog that links to humor-blogs.com (see a list of blogs here).

Still confused? Read the rules here.

Thanks for participating!

In even more exciting (for me) news, I'm going to be a guest on PopLoad, an Internet radio show hosted by one of the newest members of humor-blogs.com, The Jay! The show will be live from 7-8pm (Pacific time) this Monday, March 5. Why me? Well, why don't you call in and ask The Jay? Seriously, it would be great if y'all could listen and or call in. If I don't make a fool of myself, he might have me back some time. And if I do make a fool of myself, he might make me a regular feature.

There Can Be Only Four (Funniest Blog Post Contest)

You probably know by now that I run a little black ops project called humor-blogs.com. One of the goals of humor-blogs.com is to give some recognition to lesser known but very funny blogs. The problem with most blog directories -- even the ones that have some kind of voting mechanism -- is that they are biased toward sites that already get a lot of traffic. I'm working on a way to more objectively rank blogs, but until that's done, I thought I'd enlist your help in determining which are your favorite funny blogs.



To that end, I'm running a Funniest Blog Post Contest. The rules are as follows:

1. Submit your nominations for funniest post for the month of February 2007 to me, either by posting a comment here or sending me an email (diesel -at- mattresspolice dot com). You must include the url to a specific POST, not just the blog url. (If you don't know from urls, just send me the title of the post and maybe the date).

2. The post must be dated some time during February 2007.

3. All nominations must be received by midnight Pacific time on Thursday, March 1.

4. To be eligible, the blog must have a link to humor-blogs.com.

5. You may nominate as many posts as you like, from the same blog or different blogs. And yes, you may nominate your own post(s).

6. Posts must be original. Duh.

7. With the help of some disinterested (though not uninterested) individuals, I will whittle the nominations down to a manageable number, probably around 10. I reserve the right to disqualify any blatantly offensive posts (sorry, Fab).

8. On Saturday, March 3, I will post a poll in which people can vote for their pick for funniest post. The polls will close at midnight on Thursday, March 8.

9. My posts are disqualified. I know, so sad.

10. I will announce the top four vote-getters here on Saturday, March 10.

THE PRIZE

• The top 4 will be recognized here and on the humor-blogs.com home page.
• The top 4 will be added to the "Featured Blogs" rotation on the humor-blogs.com home page and the Featured Blogs widget that is displayed on an ever-increasing number of sites (including this one).
• The top 4 will be invited to have their posts included in the feed that appears on the humor-blogs.com home page. If any of the winners are already in the feed, I will work my way down the list of top vote-getters to get four new bloggers for the feed.

So what are you waiting for, a personal invitation from Adrian Paul? Submit your favorite posts today!

Housekeeping Post

I've got a lof of miscellaneous updates to make today.

First, my brother-in-law's family is hanging in there. We had the funeral on Tuesday. Several hundred people came out, many from far across the U.S. and Canada. It was a fitting tribute to John. Most of the family who don't live in the area have gone back home now, and John's wife and three sons could use your prayers as things get back to "normal" for them.

Second, I have made some more additions to my reading list:

21. Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser suggested by Kat from MagicKat


22. The Truth Machine by James Halperin suggested by Neva of PuppyToes


23. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini suggested by Ann from At Home with Ann

If you want to suggest a book for me to read, check out the rules here.


Third, I have posted some more thoughts on Eragon on my Reading Log. I'm almost halfway through....

Fourth, a while back I mentioned that I was going to be quitting my job on December 8. I ended up taking several days off because of John's death, so I offered to stick around for another week. My official last day of employment is now December 15. I will most likely stick around as a ridiculously overpaid contractor for a few weeks after that, to wrap up some projects (My soul is not for sale, but it can be leased for the right price). Just in case you were wondering what was going on....

Finally, the answers to yesterday's quiz:

1. If I had a dog, what would its name be?
   Skoal.
   
2. If I had directed a movie, would would the title be?
   The Widow of Turmeric Falls.
   
3. What famous actress do I look most like?
   Keira Knightly.
   
4. What song's babies do I want to have?
   Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance.
   
5. What is my first language?
   Sarcasm.
   
6. Would I rather watch the Teletubbies or Big Brother?
   Teletubbies.
   
7. What movie do I want to see starring Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman?
   Batman vs. Wolverine.
   
8. What annoys the Queen?
   My whistling.
   
9. What book am I currently reading?
   Eragon. Sigh.
   
10. What kind of animal did my wife once mistake me for?
    A cat.
    

As to the prize for the best answers, I was all set to declare all the participants winners, because even those of you who got nearly everything wrong made up for it by supplying answers that were funnier than the correct ones. Then I checked one more time for any last-minute contenders, and found that Gregory from Kinda Kitschy got 7 out of 10 correct (and even though he didn't know my favorite song, he did somehow know of my forbidden love for A-Ha's Take on Me). Way to make my life difficult, Gregory. Anyway, I hereby award Gregory the Mattress Police Stalker Award for knowing just a little bit too much about me.

The rest of you will have to be content to be:

Individuals Who Have Been Certified as Knowing Diesel About as Well as Anyone Really Can Without Feeling Kind of Dirty About It

Anita Dan Goldennib Allen Mr. Fabulous G

Hey, I told you it was going to be lame, right?

The Lamest Contest Ever

I've been trying to think of a contest to do on this site, but unfortunately all the cool ideas, like this, this, this and this, have been taken. "There has to be some kind of contest I can do," I thought, and proceeded to channel all of my mental energy into solving this problem. Sure enough, within minutes my attention had wandered to something else entirely. "I'm really looking forward to having time to read again," I thought. I continued to think, for those of you who need some additional background, "The reason I will have so much time on my hands is that I'm quitting my job to take a year off. That's right, a whole year. I'm going to be spending most of my time building an addition to my house, but I'm also planning on having a lot more time to read. So much time, in fact, that I really need a reading list. Maybe I could post a blog entry asking people to suggest books I should read." Just then my mind snapped back into contest-creation mode.

"That's it! A contest where people can submit reading list suggestions."

"But how will I pick the winners?" The Reading List Train of Thought asked. "And won't the losers feel bad?"

"Yes they will," replied Contest Train of Thought. "Nobody wants to be a loser."

"No losers then," said RLToT. "Everybody wins! We will read every book anybody suggests."

"Wow, you are the dumbest train of thought ever to meander through these parts," CToT said. "People will be suggesting The Protocols of the Elders of Zion and Danielle Steele's Detritis. And what kind of prizes are you giving out?"

"No prizes. Just the satisfaction that comes from getting another person to read a book."

"Do you even understand what a contest is?"

"Vaguely."

"Well, at the very least, we need to get something back from the people entering, so they won't just deluge you with suggestions to read garbage."

"A link! We'll make them link to our blog. And not just a side bar link, an actual blog entry linking to our blog."

"And we'll make them tell us why they are suggesting the book."

"Yes! And they have to be semi-serious. I mean, it can't be just somebody saying that we have to read Fran Drescher's autobiography because it changed their life."

"Right. But if somebody can actually make a case for why we should read Mein Kampf...."

"We'll take them up on it."

"Absolutely. But it has to be an English translation."

"Yes. All the books have to be in English."

"So no Pynchon or Joyce?"

"Hmmm. We'll have to decide on a case-by-case basis. Nothing over 500 pages either. Unless it looks really good."

"Deal. And we'll commit to read every book suggested within a year from today."

"We'll have to limit it to 52 books."

"Wow, that's one a week!"

"Trust me, this thing's not going to generate that much interest."

"We should be able to guilt Gregory, Joel, Cindra, Wolfe, Mr. Fabulous, and Pavel into doing it at least. Probably Miss Kitty, too. Isn't she like a professor or something?"

"And what's a Hot Librarian for, if not to recommend good books?"

"Still, it is the lamest contest ever. In fact, that's what we should call it."

"No, we'll call it 'Make Diesel Read a Book.'"

"Excellent. Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Can you write up these rules in a little more concise format?"

"You bet. I'll put it right here."

"Cool. Oh, and one more thing."

"What's that?"

"Which Train of Thought are you again?"

"Man, I was hoping you knew. It all blends together after a while."

Make Diesel Read a Book!

What Have You Done for Me Lately?

If the answer is "not much," head on over to Belle of the Brawl and vote for my caption. I'm actually in second place, and with a little divine intervention could conceivably win the title bout.

I'm not sure when the polls close, so you'd best do it NOW.

Gracias.