An Open Letter to Sam Raimi

As you know from the most recent caption contest, I have an unnatural love for Spider-Man (by the way, get your captions in by tonight; I'll be posting a poll with Mrs. Diesel's favorites tomorrow). I finally got a chance to see Spider-Man 3 this weekend, and felt compelled to write this letter. I'd warn you that there are spoilers ahead, but I'm not sure it's even possible to spoil something this lousy.


Dear Mr. Raimi,

I've been a fan of Spider-Man as long as I can remember. I loved the comics as a kid. I watched the live action TV show in the seventies. I used to watch Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends on Saturday mornings in the 80s. In college I collected Spider-Man comics obsessively.

I've also been a big fan of yours. Darkman was a favorite of mine before anyone had heard of you, Francis McDormand or Liam Neeson. Army of Darkness is one of my all time favorites, as is Spider-Man 2. When Spider-Man 2 ended, I was tempted to sit there in the theater and wait for the next showing.

So believe me when I tell you this: Spider-Man 3 sucked.

Let's start with the black costume/Venom storyline. I'm not a comics purist; I couldn't care less that you didn't pursue the Beyonder planet/Secret Wars storyline. But your explanation for the black suit is that it fell from space? Just like that, 50 feet away from Peter Parker's scooter? WTF?

Then there's Kirsten Dunst, who's been living on borrowed time since Interview with a Vampire, as far as I'm concerned. In the comics, Mary Jane was a model. How hard is it to find someone in Hollywood who looks and acts like a model? She was tolerable as a love interest in the first two movies, but now you've gone and elevated her almost to a leading role. I mean, she plays an actress who gets fired for being a lousy performer, and she can't even pull that off. Hello? I have two words for all casting directors: Rachel McAdams. Any time you're tempted to cast Kirsten Dunst, Kate Bosworth, Katie Holmes or pretty much any other perky young thing, please cast Rachel McAdams instead. She's cute as a button, and can act the crap out of any of those other chicks.

Speaking of minor characters and subplots nobody gives a shit about, could you possibly include any more of them? It's like I was watching my entire adolescence of comic reading flash before my eyes: Sandman, Venom, J. Jonah Jameson, Robbie Robertson, Gwen Stacy, Captain Stacy, Green Goblin, Blue Goblin/Hobgoblin, Aunt May, Uncle Ben.... What, was Flash Thompson busy? And with the number of times that a character got "killed off" only to reappear later, I was half-expecting Gwen Stacy's clone to show up. I was going to joke that The Lizard was the only villain who hadn't checked in yet, but then I realized that The Lizard was in the movie: his alter ego is Peter Parker's one-armed physics (!) professor, Doc Connors.

And do I really need to give you a refresher on Spider-Man's powers? First of all, Spidey can't be blindsided by a guy on a flying skateboard. He can sense danger. It's called "Spider-sense," in case you've forgotten. And tell me, which of Spidey's powers allow his head to be used to shatter brick walls without him getting so much as a headache?

Any superhero movie is going to have its share of unlikely coincidences, but Spider-Man 3 stacks them up like some kind of super-powered version of Six Degrees of Separation. I mean, let me get this straight: In a city of eight million people, Peter Parker's rival at the Daily Bugle, Eddie Brock, also happens to be dating Gwen Stacy, a girl in Peter's physics class, who is the daughter of the police captain who is overseeing the investigation of the murder of Peter's uncle. Peter's uncle turns out to have been murdered by an escaped convict named Flint Marco, who has been transformed into Sandman, a supervillain who shows up during a ceremony in which Gwen thanks Spider-Man for saving her life during a freak crane accident. After Peter's physics professor, Dr. Connors (you remember, from his class with Gwen) advises him about the dangers of the alien suit, Peter fights off the suit only to have it fall on Eddie Brock (no, literally, it falls on him), who happens to be standing below. Brock is turned into Spider-Man's nemesis Venom, who then teams up with Sandman to kill Spidey. I live in a town of 12,000 people, and I sometimes go three months without running into that many people I know.

Let's see, what else. I'm trying to keep the whole "Peter Parker turns into the evil version of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever" storyline from settling in my long-term memory, so I'm going to skip over that completely.


There's Mary Jane's inexplicable break-up with Petey, prompted by some vague threats from Harry Osbourne, who is still inexplicably mad at Peter for killing his jerkwad father. There are Harry's three abrupt personality switches -- a bit much to ask of James Franco, who can on a good day manage only good-natured confusion. The last of these abrupt changes occurs when yet another minor character, Harry's butler Bernard, explains to Harry that oh, by the way, Spider-Man didn't actually kill your father. Hey, Bernard, you could have saved us all a lot of trouble if you had mentioned that like TWO HOURS AGO.

The Sandman storyline bothers me on about six different levels, setting aside his ridiculous origin ("We put a fence around that particle accelerator, it's not our fault someone fell in!"). First of all, making Flint Marco the real killer of Uncle Ben is lazy, cheap and unnecessary. And then there's Sandman's apology to Peter at the end. "Gee, Pete, I'm real sorry about turning into a giant sand-monster and trying to crush you with my gigantic sand-fists, but I really needed some money because my daughter is sick or something. Come to think of it, nothing I've done in this movie makes much sense. I'll just anticlimactically blow away in the wind now." And if you're going to try to make Sandman a relatable character by giving him a sick daughter, maybe you could actually follow through on that storyline. What happened to the daughter? You could at least have summarily killed her off like you did with all the other characters we were sick of after 2 and a half hours.

The plot makes virtually no sense, which makes it even more puzzling that you included so many dull expository scenes. I love Aunt May as much as anyone, but holy crap do I really need to hear about how Uncle Ben proposed to her while they were in their bathing suits? And then, when you actually needed a transition to explain how Peter and Mary Jane managed to overcome their problems and get back together, you fudge it with a lame romantic scene. It wouldn't have taken that much, you know. Something along the lines of "Hey, I know you lied to me about being involved with Harry because he was inspired by the ghost of his mad scientist father to threaten to kill me, and I only punched and humiliated you and acted like a total ass-hat because I was possessed by an evil alien costume from outer space, so let's say we're even and make sweet spider-love. Will you marry me with this ring that my Aunt May gave me, assuming I can get the image of her in her bathing suit out of my head by staying really drunk for the next several days?"

Having seen Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, not to mention the rest of your work, I can't even fathom how you were capable of foisting such a shit-bomb on us. Dude, The Quick and the Dead was better than this, and that had Sharon Stone in it. The best part of this movie was Bruce Campbell's cameo. I'd rather watch a movie featuring his French waiter character than sit through something like this again. I'll admit it's not the worst superhero movie I've seen, but if it weren't for the sheer likability of most of your cast, you'd be a couple of spider-nipples away from Batman and Robin territory here. Trust me, I don't bring up the-movie-that-must-not-be-named lightly. Don't make me do it again.

I don't know what's happened to you. I can only assume that a big black slimy ball of money fell from the heavens and is using your movie-making abilities for evil. I urge you to fight it off and redeem yourself with the next installment. Short of that, hand the reins to Bryan Singer, Christopher Nolan or even -- shudder -- Brett Ratner. The future of our children depends on it.



Humor-blogs.com inexplicably fell to earth from outer space INTO a particle accelerator.

10 Underrated Comedies

I'm going to be lazy today. It's the day before Thanksgiving, and you probably don't want to do a lot of reading anyway. What you want to do is curl up on the couch and watch movies. So here, for your consideration, are 10 comedies that I don't think have been given their rightful due, either by critics or by audiences, and in some cases, both.

50 First Dates - Sweet, very funny romantic comedy. And I'm not big on romantic comedies, so trust me. A moderate commercial and critical success, but I think it's one of Sandler's funniest.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Sort of a post-modern film noir. Not really a comedy, but brilliantly written and quite funny. Robert Downey Jr.'s narration is to die for.

About a Boy - Sweet and funny without being schmaltzy. Hugh Grant at his snarky best.

Army of Darkness - Virtually impossible to describe. Science fiction horror fantasy action comedy? A sequel to the Evil Dead movies, but it stands on its own. Directed by Sam Raimi before he got all mainstream on us (Spider-Man). It even has an inexplicable shout-out to my hometown, Grand Rapids, Michigan. What more could you want?

Waking Ned Devine - Just an all around wonderful movie. Great characters, great writing, great settings, great acting. Pretty much perfect.

Punch-Drunk Love - An oddly charming and touching movie with Adam Sandler and Emily Watson. More quirky and amusing than laugh-out-loud funny.

Nothing to Lose - A funny movie starring Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins? Yes. Very.

Best in Show - Christopher Guest and the usual cast of suspects. My favorite of these movies.

Mother - Woody Allen-esque is the best way to describe this movie. Albert Brooks at his neurotically hilarious best.

Bottle Rocket - One of my absolute favorites, probably because I relate so much to the reality-challenged main characters. Wes Anderson's first movie, and I believe the first for Owen and Luke Wilson as well.

What about you? What funny movies do you think not enough people know about?

Review: The Widow of Turmeric Falls

I've always wanted to make a movie. I've also kind of always wanted to be a big-time movie critic. As neither of those dreams is likely to come true, I've decided to simply write a review of the movie that I would have made if I weren't such a loser. Here it is.

The Widow of Turmeric Falls, the first effort by novice writer/director Rob Kroese, is a dismal and sordid work, full of promise and yet failing to deliver on virtually every level. The writing is pedestrian, filled with lines like, "Where's a good old fashioned bottle of whiskey when you need one?" and "He would have killed her if he had had the chance. But she was already dead. And so was he."

The film's elaborate premise should have been ample fodder for an intriguing psychological thriller: A mentally challenged man, long thought dead, returns to the site of his apparent murder only to be mistaken for his own killer. He is tried and executed by a jury of vigilante hillbillies in a sham trial occuring during Superbowl halftime. Years later, a woman claiming to be the man's wife shows up to seek her revenge, only to find that the ring-leader of the court is in fact her own father, as well as the father of the victim (and supposed murderer). Kroese tacks on some additional twists to keep us guessing, but unfortunately the "surprise" ending is telegraphed by an arty black and white montage occuring during the opening credits.

The camera work is amateurish, alternating inexplicably between a jittery hand held camera and a slightly less jittery camera attached to a long bamboo pole. The latter third of the film is essentially a Powerpoint Presentation, which drains the climax of much of its dramatic impact. The sound effects are excellent, but about ten minutes in I realized that Kroese had merely lifted the entire soundtrack from Apocalypse Now. The music is a combination of lousy Europop and what sounds like Aerosmith B-sides.

Kroese, who was known primarily for his extensive dental work prior to the release of this film, is mercifully absent from the cast. The lead is a physically unimpressive Filipino actor identified only as Kosmik XXX, who seems to be trying to channel early Brando, but sounds more like late Tony Danza with a bad head cold. Kroese's wife Julia is stunning in the female lead role, but there is no chemistry between the two actors -- a situation that is not helped by the fact that the director insisted that the two remain at least 50 feet apart in all scenes.

There is one enjoyable scene, in which the characters watch the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer gets a hot tub, but it's too little, too late. The rest of the movie makes you yearn for the early days of Kroese's career -- the days before he had actually made a film.

Does Kroese have a future as a filmmaker? That depends on how much money he has. He's not likely to earn much on this movie, so that's heartening. But dreams don't die easily, and a director with such vision is unlikely to see the writing on the wall. There is a rumor that "Widow II: Death Doesn't Take No for an Answer" is already in the works. And like it or not, it's my job to go see it.

Technorati Tags: widow, turmeric, movie, review, satire, director, screenwriting

Review: Collateral Damage

Collateral Damage is one of those movies that just doesn't quite work, and it's hard to say why. The premise is classic comedy: Gordy Brewer, a hulking firefighter of Austrian descent (played to a 'T' by veteran actor Arnold Schwarzeneggar, who doesn't have to mask his accent here) goes undercover in Colombia to find the mysterious terrorist leader who killed his family. Meanwhile the bumbling CIA not only can't locate the terrorist, they can't even keep tabs on the giant Austrian, whose complete inability to pronounce the letter 'R' makes it difficult for him to blend in with the freely trilling Colombians. "Say 'terrorista!'" they taunt the caged and bloodied hero, after an intensive search of the local village yields exactly one hulking Austrian. "Tay-o-ee-stuh," the Austrian mutters, and they roll on the floor laughing. Unfortunately, moments of hilarity such as this one are few and far between in this would-be comedy. The slapstick violence feels forced, and even Mr. Schwarzeneggar's attempts at parodying some of his previous roles (you may remember him as the otherwise ordinary family man who harbored a secret life as a killer robot in the Terminator franchise, or as the chameleon-like secret agent in True Lies) fall flat. Not even the serendipitous timing of the movie's release (shortly after the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, D.C.) helps much. So while the film is mildly amusing, I can't give it a heartfelt recommendation.

Review: Sum Adds Up to Excitement!

The Sum of All Fears is the fourth entry in the Jack Ryan franchise, based on the novels by Tom Clancy. Fears picks up where the last movie, Clear and Present Danger, leaves off. As you may recall, in Danger Ryan (then played by Harrision Ford) is set up as the fall guy for an Iran-Contra-esque scandal, courtesy of President Fowler (James Cromwell). At the end of that film, Ryan calls Cromwell onto the Oval Office carpet for his devious schemes. "How dare you?" the President hisses. "How dare you, Mr. President!" Ryan growls back. The stage has been set for revenge.

Enter Ben Affleck as a mysteriously rejuvenated Ryan. While the President appears to have aged several years since the last movie, Ryan's clean living and Eagle-scout principles have given him a new lease on life. If living well is the best revenge, then Ryan has just mopped the floor with Fowler.

It soon becomes clear, however, that things haven't gone well for Ryan since the events of Fears. His prior heroics have been forgotten, and he never even gets a "That'll do, pig," from President Fowler. Also, despite his appearance, age is catching up to Ryan. He is no longer the spry young agent who faced off against the Scottish submarine captain in Hunt for Red October. His physical antics are limited: he only gets in a single fistfight, in which he nearly gets his ass kicked.

This franchise has always been uncannily topical, from the first film where the Scottish submarine captain attempts to defect from the Soviet Union, which is scheduled to collapse from internal decay about the time he reaches New Jersey. The villains of the second and third films (IRA extremists and South American drug lords respectively) dutifully mirror the foreign policy situations of the day, and Fears is no exception. Less than a year after the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, D.C., Ryan is pulled into a conflict with America's most dangerous enemy yet: The Nazis.

Yes, the Nazis are at it again, and they've learned their lesson. This time, instead of fighting the Americans and the Russians together, they're going to get the Russians and Americans to fight each other, and then assert Aryan dominion over the radioactive charcoal heap that remains of the world. The plan is to trigger nuclear escalation by detonating a nuclear bomb in a major city in Maryland (hint: it's not the one with the naval academy). Because, you know, if the Russians were going to start a war, it would be by picking off our cities one-by-one, with bombs shipped across the ocean by U.P.S., starting with Balt -- er, a random city in Maryland.

Anyway, Ryan figures it all out, but can't convince Lord Protector Fowler in time that the Nazis are behind the plot. So Ryan doesn't get any respect, and his C.I.A. mentor gets killed, and his girlfriend gets a bad scratch on her forehead from the nuclear blast, and he's not sure for a while if she's okay, or what. Um, oh yeah, and the aforementioned city gets nuked, which sucks too. Anyway, it all turns out okay, because Ryan makes an impassioned appeal to a mid-level military officer to please, please, please let him use the President's special red phone, swearing on the souls of the strategically irrelevant residents of B-------- that it's a local call. I won't reveal any more, because it's anyone's guess how the movie will end. Oh, screw it. Ryan saves the world, of course. What, did you think maybe World War III really does break out, and in the fifth movie Jack Ryan will be fighting off marauding bands of mutants with a tire iron?

The film closes with an outdoor memorial service in Washington, D.C., which apparently occurs decades after the nuking of B--------, because the attendees don't seem to be at all concerned about that breeze blowing in from the northeast, and the riots and general anarchy that would be caused by demolishing the 17th largest city in the country have subsided. Even after saving the world, Ryan still gets no respect: he doesn't even get invited to the ceremony, and has to sit on the grass with his girlfriend, where he can barely even see what's going on. I have to admit he looks good for his age, though.

Technorati Tags:
Sum of All Fears, Tom Clancy, Ben Affleck, Harrison Ford