Mattress Police News Briefs #1

Those of you who have been around since I started this site back in October know that my blog has always been in a constant state of evolution. I've tried a lot of different kinds of humor pieces, from one-liners to top ten lists to fake news stories. Frankly though, most of the posts I really enjoyed writing and feel good about are of the random nonsense variety. My very first post was a made-up account of my encounter with a sea turtle, and that post has set the tone for most of this blog. So you'll probably be seeing more stuff like this and this from now on.

Anyway, now that I've cleaned out my sock drawer, I realize that my mind is also cluttered with the seeds of a lot of fake news stories that I don't feel like writing. I like the idea of satirical news pieces, but they're kind of tedious to write -- and presumably to read. So I've decided to do another sock-drawer post of news items. I'll keep them short in deference to the attention spans of both the readers and the writer of this blog. I present to you the first entry in the Mattress Police News Briefs:

Barak Obama Hopes to Be First Creamy Eggnog President

It's no secret that Barack Obama has had his eye on being the first black president. Now, facing criticism that he is "not black enough," Obama has subtly shifted his strategy. "I've had several high level meetings with my advisors and the fine folks at Glidden," he said at a press conference this morning, "and I am confident based on their counsel that I am well-positioned to be the first Creamy Eggnog President." He assured a crowd that the shift would not affect his policies regarding non-Creamy Eggnog Americans.

Nickelback Determined to Be the "Next Nickelback"

Lately music industry gurus have been abuzz with the question: Who will be the next band to wear the wuss-rock crown? Contenders include Hinder and American Idol also-rans Daughtry and Bo Bice. Yesterday Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger did his best to put an end to the speculation. "There is only one real contender for the title of the "next Nickelback," and that's Nickelback. We were Nickelback when everybody thought we were the next Def Leppard, and we'll still be Nickelback when Daughtry is the next Creed," Kroeger said.

Axl Rose Admits "Chinese Democracy" Was a "Just a Joke"

Former Guns 'n' Roses lead singer Axl Rose made a startling announcement yesterday regarding the release of the perennially delayed album Chinese Democracy. "I meant it as a joke," he said. "I thought 'Chinese Democracy' was a fairly well known euphemism for something that was never going to happen. When people took me seriously, I had no choice but to play along." Rose first announced plans for the new GNR album in 1994. "I was going to call it Hell Freezes Over, but the Eagles beat me to it. And then they really confused things by actually releasing the album." Rose put to rest any speculation about the album. "There absolutely will be no GNR album called Chinese Democracy. Even if I did plan on recording another GNR album at one point -- which I didn't -- I simply wouldn't have time these days. All my energy is going into my solo project." Rose's first solo album, due to be released April first, 2008, is tentatively titled Pigs Fly.

House Passes Timetable for Withdrawing Support from Britney Spears

The House of Representatives today narrowly passed a resolution that sets a firm timetable for withdrawing support from Britney Spears. Dick Cheney harshly criticized the measure. "Britney is obviously not ready to stand on her own yet," Cheney argued. "If we give up now, we risk losing all of the time and energy we as a nation have invested in her." A slim majority in the House disagreed. "We all love Britney Spears and wish her the best," said Speaker Nanci Pelosi. "But at some point she needs to get her act together. Maybe this timetable will give her the push she needs."

That's all for now, folks. I'll be back Wednesday with more nonsense. And don't forget, this Friday I'll be posting the picture for the next installment of the Mattress Police caption contest.

Dr Pepper Proves Book Larnin' is No Substitute for Common Sense

As you know, Dr Pepper is my muse. I therefore took it particularly hard when the marketing wizards at the Dr Pepper company turned out to be no more wizards than, well, than Dr Pepper is a real doctor. From the Buffalo News:

Less than a month after Boston's highways and bridges were shut down during a bomb scare touched off by an advertising stunt, a new marketing scheme has led angry city officials to shut down a historic site.

A clue in a Dr Pepper promotion suggested a coin that might be worth as much as $1 million was buried in the 347-year-old Granary Burying Ground, the final resting place of John Hancock, Paul Revere, Samuel Adams and other historic figures.

After contestants showed up at the cemetery gates early Tuesday, the city closed it, concerned that it would be damaged by treasure hunters.

Read the rest of the story here.

I did some digging (ha!) and found out that, astonishingly, this wasn't even the worst marketing gimmick the Dr Pepper people came up with. I present to you...

Ten Rejected Dr Pepper Marketing Gimmicks

10. Mysterious packages are left unattended at airports all over the U.S. If you find one of the packages and bring it on a plane, it will automatically open at 20,000 feet, revealing twelve glass bottles of Dr Pepper and a solid gold bottle opener shaped like a hand grenade.

9. Win a million dollars by finding the Diet Dr Pepper can buried under a mountain of ten thousand dead lab rats.

8. The "Forrest Gump" promotion: Get a picture taken of you drinking Dr Pepper within ten feet of the President and win ten thousand dollars!

7. One of the paintings at the Metropolitan Museum of Art has been replaced by a fake hiding a hundred one thousand dollar bills. The false veneer can only be dissolved by a spraying it with a fine mist of Dr Pepper.

6. The "Movie Lover" promotion: 10 Dr Pepper cans in the U.S. are filled with highly corrosive acetic acid used for developing film, instead of Dr Pepper. Find one and win a trip to the Cannes Film Festival!

5. T.V. Commercial: A man lies on his death bed, unconscious. Close-up of a doctor's hands hooking up an IV, as a voice says, "There's only one thing we can do for him now." Zoom out: We see that the IV tube is connected to a can of Dr Pepper. Cut to a concerned nurse who says, "Are you sure that will cure him, doctor?" Cut to the doctor: "Cure him? I just figured if he's going to be a vegetable, he might as well be a Pepper!"

4. Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper -- now with a hint of nutmeg!

3. Free Dr Pepper for life for all type II diabetes sufferers.

2. A new beverage specifically designed to make people crave Dr Pepper: Dr Salt!

1. Picture this: Race car driver Jeff Gordon is at a gas station, refueling his car. Next to him is his 5 year old son. "Now for the secret ingredient," Gordon says to his son, with the air of someone imparting fatherly wisdom. He opens a can of Dr Pepper and pours it into the gas tank. When he's finished, he says, "And that's the secret of great performance, son." Gordon looks around, but his son is nowhere to be found. Finally Jeff sees him: His son is guzzling gasoline directly from the pump! They share a good laugh.


In doing research for this post, I came across this. I'd thank the person who put this together, but I'm guessing he's dead.


Speaking of stupid marketing gimmicks, have you heard of humor-blogs.com?

The Final Frontier for Wikipedia

In a bid to gain an edge in respectability over its stodgier rivals, Wikipedia today announced that it would be publishing a print edition of its online knowledgebase.

"We're elated to be able announce our plans to develop a hard copy Wikipedia," said Karen C. Nautkaaren of the non-profit Wikipedia Foundation.

The main obstacle to producing a print version of Wikipedia is its sheer volume. Wikipedia contains roughly twenty-eight times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. The foundation plans to release it in 600 volumes, one per month over the next ten years. During that time, Wikipedia is expected to grow by roughly 700% and much of the existing information will become out of date.

The foundation announced an innovative plan for dealing with these problems. "We will release a revised edition of Wikipedia every three years," said Nautkaaren. "The second edition will overlap the first edition. When the first edition is nearly two thirds complete, we will release a third edition. The first volume of the fourth edition will become available two years after the last volume of the first edition is complete. Each edition will take roughly 50% longer than the previous edition to produce so, for example, we will begin 17 new editions while the fifth edition is still in production. I think. Anyway, make no mistake, this is a monumental undertaking."

Several frequent contributors to the user-created and maintained encyclopedia expressed a strong desire that Wikipedia retain its collaborative nature in the hard copy version. Todd Simmons, a 38 year old web developer in Pleasanton, California, summed up the feeling among the Wikipedia editor community.

"The other day I ran across an entry in Wikipedia that said that Blizzard had banned the Logitch G15 keyboard in Warcraft, when in fact all they did was ban a player who was clearly botting. He wasn't even using the G15. He was using the G11." Simmons shook his head. "Fortunately, I was able to correct the error. Imagine if that kind of misinformation were printed in thousands of copies of the article all over the world."

Wikipedia spokespersons said they would be taking corrections by mail and would be faxing daily corrections and updates to all subscribers for no additional charge.

Because of the uneven distribution of the expertise of its editor base, the Wikipedia hard copy edition will be broken down by subject area rather than organized alphabetically, like a typical encyclopedia.

"The organic nature of Wikipedia requires a unique organization system," Nautkaaren said.

So far, twelve volumes have been planned:

January 2008: Star Trek: Acamarians to Ferengi
February 2008: World History through the French Revolution
March 2008: Windows vs. Unix
April 2008: Quantum Physics
May 2008: Arts and Literature (non Sci-Fi)
June 2008: Star Wars: Alderaan to Calrissian
July 2008: Geek Humor
August 2008: Star Trek: Guls to Romulan Neutral Zone
September 2008: Britney Spears
October 2008: Eastern Philosophy, Kung Fu and The Matrix
November 2008: Video Games: Tips and Strategies
December 2008: Futurama



This post was found buried amongst countless tomes in the vast underground library of humor-blogs.com.

Mattress Tags: wikipedia Star Trek

Brilliant! (James Blunt's Songwriting Journal)

"I wrote 'You're Beautiful' in two and a half minutes, after seeing an ex-girlfriend.'"

- James Blunt

Blunt said on VH1's The Vspot that he wrote this song about seeing his ex-girlfriend with a new man in the London underground. He says that they shared a lifetime in the brief eye contact.

-----------------------------------------------

EXCERPT FROM JAMES BLUNT'S SONGWRITING JOURNAL: Tuesday, January 18, 2005

2:37:30 PM

Train should be here in about 150 seconds. Maybe enough time to write a song???

2:37:36 PM

Possible song topics: Trains. Unemployment. Sodding London weather. Come on man, think!

2:37:42 PM

Isn't that Stacy?

2:37:48 PM

That IS Stacy! Who the f---- is she with???!!!

2:37:55 PM

Stacy be lookin FINE.

2:38:04 PM

Where was I? ... Trains, right. Maybe something about a little engine trying to get up a hill?

2:38:09 PM

Lucky bastard. What was it Mum said when Stacy broke up with me? "God's will." Well I hope the sodding angels are happy. Bollocks.

2:38:17 PM

Feeling very sad.

2:38:21 PM

VERY sad.

2:38:29 PM

Maybe write a song about how sad I feel. Free association time! Sad, sad, sad.... Think of something very sad. Clowns with frowny faces are sad. Sad clown. Clown crying. TEARS OF A CLOWN!

2:38:41 PM

F---.

2:38:50 PM

She looked at me! HI Stacy!!!! GOD I'M SO HAPPY.

2:38:58 PM

Don't think she recognized me. SO SAD. This is the saddest anybody has ever been.

2:39:06 PM

Sadder than Bruce Banner walking away at the end of The Incredible Hulk.

2:39:14 PM

Damn, now I have that song in my head. Bah-bada-Bah. Bah-bada-Bah BAH.

2:39:22 PM

LOL. Should write lyrics about Stacy and that sodding bastard set to Incredible Hulk theme. F---, that's brilliant!

2:39:31 PM

Train's coming! Write something. ANYTHING!

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel
Of that I'm sure
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose any sleep on that
Cause I got a plan

You're beautiful; you're beautiful:
You're beautiful; it's true
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don't know what to do
Cause I will never be with you

Yeah, she caught my eye
As I walked on by
She could see from my face that I was
Flying high
And I don't think that I'll see her again
But we shared a moment that will last till the end

You're beautiful; you're beautiful:
You're beautiful; it's true
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don't know what to do
Cause I will never be with you

la la la la
la la la la
la la la la la

You're beautiful; you're beautiful
You're beautiful; it's true
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you
But it is time to face the truth
I will never be with you

2:40:00 PM

Train's here!



Mattress Tags: James Blunt Bollocks

Syndicated on the humor juggernaut humor-blogs.com

Harvard to Settle Question of God's Existence

Officials at Harvard University today announced a bold experiment designed to settle once and for all the question of God's existence.

Recently Harvard has come under fire for rejecting a recommendation that all undergraduates be required to take a class in religion. Critics argue that religion is a fundamental aspect of what it means to be a human being, and that by allowing its students to avoid studying religion Harvard is producing graduates who are ignorant of one of the key psychological and sociological forces that has shaped human history.

Now the university has released a statement that attempts to clear up the confusion regarding the policy. In the statement Dr. Harold Emmets, the Harvard Dean of Reason and Objectivity, states: "At Harvard we value the principles of Science and Reason. When we are faced with an unproven proposition that is believed by billions of people, it isn't our job to simply dismiss it outright. That would be a clear sign that we're being just as biased and irrational as those religious wackos (not that there's anything wrong with that)." Emmets goes on to clarify the intention behind Harvard's policy.

"Our motivation is quite simply to test scientifically the hypothesis of God's existence. The plan is to remove all vestiges of religion from Harvard and see if God goes medieval on our asses in retribution. If the campus is subjected to a series of disastrous plagues, we'll know that there is a God after all. Once it is agreed by the executive committee that the hypothesis has been confirmed, we will repent of the evil that is in our hearts and institute mandatory religious indoctrination for all students.

"If, however, Harvard continues to remain plague-free, we will require all students to take a class called "'Why Harvard is More Powerful than God.'"

Either way, Emmet notes, once the experiment is complete all students will be required to take a class dealing with religion.

In response, fundamentalist leader Pat Robertson immediately called for all "true Christians" to begin praying for the immediate and gruesome destruction of Harvard. "Break out your weenies," Robertson told a cheering crowd of several hundred enthusiastic listeners who had camped out just off-campus, "Because there's gonna be a fire."

Robertson said that God told him the exact time and date of Harvard's destruction, as well as the method the Almighty would use. "I think He said He was going to send a ball of fire from the pits of Gehenna. But He might have said 'boys choir from the city of Vienna.' Unfortunately, my hearing hasn't been so great since God visited His retribution upon me for listening to Pat Boone on my iPod a few weeks ago."

Despite the lack of certainty regarding the exact manner of grotesque punishment God would use, the crowd was on the verge of ecstasy anticipating the imminent destruction of the belligerently secular university.

One spectator who was particularly excited was Josh Beeman, an Atlanta businessman and real estate mogul. "When the fire goes out and the German kids leave, I'm going to rush in and plant this on Harvard yard," Beeman said, holding a small flagpole bearing a hand-made flag with felt pictures of Jesus, the cross, and the Bible glued to it. "Once the land has been reclaimed for God," we're going to open a theme park called Conversion Land. We're going to have a swimming pool that can handle five hundred baptisms at a time and an authentic working replica of Heaven."

Harvard officials seemed frightened and confused regarding the gathering. "What do they want?" asked a bewildered physics professor. "Should we give them food?"

Visiting anthropology professor Jamaresh Hwarindi theorized that perhaps the protesters were "realizing the manifestation of the meta-societal dialectical process expressed in the collective recognition of the existential threat of the other."

In an uncanny parallel to Hwarindi's statement, Robertson suggested the Harvard faculty were "possessed by a legion of demons from the blackest pit of hell."

Hwarindi admitted that he was puzzled by the protesters' behavior. "I just can't figure out what's motivating them," he said. "All of their material needs seem to be met, and yet they are clearly angered by something. Man, it's times like this that I wish I had taken a class in that, whatayacallit, re-li-jun."

As of midnight Eastern time, the two sides had made no progress in the stalemate. Their only point of agreement was that neither side should make any attempt to directly engage the other in meaningful dialogue. Protesters burned copies of Harvard's statement without even reading it. "You don't need to lift the manhole cover to know the sewer stinks," said one.

In stark contrast, a statement by the protesters was greeted by the Harvard faculty with great enthusiasm. First the statement was ridiculed for its poor grammar and usage, then deconstructed in the light of a feminist Marxian framework, and finally recycled into rolling paper.

One department chair, who asked to remain anonymous, was heard to exclaim, "Whoah, that's good dogma."


Listed on humor-blogs.com

Congratulations on Your New Testicles!

Congratulations!

You've just purchased a pair of novelty testicles for your truck, SUV or other vehicle.

With the purchase of this fine product you have joined the informal fraternity of novelty nutsack owners -- the three million men (and possibly women, although we doubt it) whose vehicles already bear the unmistakable mark of supreme manliness. Yes, you've joined our proud brotherhood at the peak of its popularity, and whatever your reason for waiting so long, we're glad to have you aboard.


Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: I hear people making remarks about "compensating for some shortcoming." What does that mean?
A: These people are jealous. There is no documented evidence that novelty testicle owners suffer from any sort of physical inadequacy. In fact, during a recent door-to-door survey most novelty testicles owners reported having genitalia as large or larger than the national average.

Q: Some people roll their eyes and/or shake their heads when they see my testicles. Why?
These people don't "get it."

Q: The women I know tell me my testicles are stupid and lame.
A: They're lying. Women love novelty testicles. When they are in the bathroom together they talk about which guy has the biggest novelty testicles and try to figure how they can get that guy to have sex with them. A very small percentage of women really do think your testicles are lame. These women are college professors who think they're too good for you, or lesbians. Often they are both.

Q: I'm concerned that my novelty testicles may soon go "out of style."
A: There is no need to worry. Novelty testicles, like the mullet and decals of a little boy peeing on things, never get old.

Q: People with small children glare at me as they drive past. Am I doing something wrong?
No. You're not the problem here. This happens because little Brittany in the back seat has just asked, "Mommy, what are those?" Brittany has to learn some day, so it might as well be when she's in first grade.

Q: How do I keep people from stealing my novelty testicles?
A: We recommend coating your testicles with rancid bacon grease. This will also help prevent corrosion.

Q: I think my girlfriend is envious of my testicles. Do you have any products geared more toward women?
A: Absolutely! We are constantly adding new items to our Scrotowear collection. What better gift could there be than a genuine leather Scrotowear purse?



And for those really special occasions, break out a Scrotowear pendant or earrings!



Order them for her today. You know she wants it!

Mattress Tags: humor

Listed on humor-blogs.com

Shocking Truth Behind Dinosaur Hoax Revealed

At first it seemed like a harmless joke: A 10 foot long model of a dinosaur which, despite being constructed entirely of dirt, was convincing enough to fool a veteran paleontologist who had twice won the Kenmore Silver Star Award for most microwaves sold over a 3 month period.

Now, however, investigators have learned that the faux dinosaur was part of a sinister plot to wreak havoc on downtown Ripon, California. The mastermind behind the plot appears to be a local seven year old boy who has long eluded capture. Authorities would not release his name but have been referring to him as "Climber" because of his affinity for climbing trees and other tall objects. He was abetted in his schemes by his five year old sister, known only as Speed Pony. Investigators found the children's hideout after a lucky break: Their mother, a former runway model and nuclear physicist, was arrested on Wednesday on charges of hunting zombies without a license. Unable to face the prospect of incarceration at a facility lacking a Starbucks and regular access to sudoku puzzles, she confessed that she had been harboring the pint-sized plotters.



"This dinosaur was just a model," said Albert Binocci of the Ripon Police Department. "The kid was planning on building a 180 foot tall robotic dinosaur made of K-Nex, Legos and Floam." Authorities retrieved several thousand pounds of the dinosaur-making paraphernalia from the children's bedroom.

Joan Limnets, an eldery woman who lived nearby, expressed disbelief at the revelations about the diminutive evildoers. "They seemed like such nice children," Limnets said. "Climber in particular. Such a polite boy. He always said 'please' and 'thank you.' Although to be honest, Speed Pony scared me a bit."



Investigators also found a frighteningly realistic model of downtown Ripon, complete with the house and the hotel. It was built from left over styrofoam packing material.



It is believed that Climber was the primary instigator of the plot. Speed Pony's role seems to have been limited to comic relief and distracting suspicious observers from Climber's sinister doings. Investigators believe that it was only a matter of time, however, before she followed in her brother's footsteps. As the pair was hauled away, Climber could be heard shouting, "She won't stop copying me!"



Today the diabolical duo is incarcerated at a maximum security facility in Modesto, awaiting trial. If convicted of attempted mayhem they will each be sentenced to spend the next twelve to fourteen years having their creativity systematically worn down by repeated exposure to dull textbooks and meaningless, repetitive task assignments.

Bush Fiddles While Moon Deteriorates

In a ritual that is becoming all too familiar, scientists have once again announced troubling news from outer space. Despite repeated assurances from the Bush administration regarding prospects for long term lunar stability, it appears that the moon continues to disintegrate.

"At this point there seems to be little we can do," said Hans VerHoeven, director of the non-profit Council on Lunar-American Relations. After millenia of being pounded by meteors, VerHoeven noted, the moon finally appears near total collapse. "Yet the Bush administration insists that we must 'stay the course' with regard to the moon," VerHoeven added. "It's insane."

Terran Imperialism

Critics on both sides of the aisle have roundly criticized the Bush plan to require the Moon to continue to orbit the Earth at its present distance and velocity. "Release Earth's grip on the moon NOW!" read signs at a recent protest march which inexplicably occurred at a Taco Bell outside Redding, California. Denouncing "Terran imperialism" has become a favorite rallying cry of the those who sympathize with the suffering of the uninhabited sphere.

"First we send probes there looking for water," said Susan Jarvis, an unemployed Redding resident who attended the rally with her three unemployed children. "Well, guess what? There's no water. It was all lies. At least no planets disintegrated when Clinton lied about the Alpha Centaurians telling him to shag Gennifer Flowers."

An American flag now waves unnaturally over the previously pristine surface of the Moon, a harsh reminder of Earth's past meddling in the region's politics. The nonexistent locals, who might once have welcomed Earth's superior technology in their fight against the constant barrage of space debris, are now strangely silent. The schools are empty, lacking even buildings to signify their presence. The playgrounds are indistinguishable from the nearby cornfields, in which no corn grows. And every square foot of the benighted satellite bears the scars of billions of years of neglect and an atmosphere even thinner than Earth's tired promises to "send another expedition" some day.

Not everyone blames Earth for the Moon's problems, however. Ted Barnett, a student at Chico State University, was angered by the protesters. "Everybody talks about how much light we get from the Moon," he said. "Nobody bothers to mention how light the Moon gets from us. Anyway, get out of my way so I can get a f---ing gordita, for f---'s sake."

If You Are Indifferent to Something, Set It Free

The Bush administration has belatedly announced a plan to allow the Moon to slip 1.6 inches further away from the Earth per year, letting Earth's rotation slow gradually over the next 5 billion years. Critics argue that this is "too little, too late," and point out that the plan has to be renewed by Congress every four years. Democrats are worried that if they lose control over the House of Representatives at any time over the next five billion years, conservative Republicans will attempt to reassert Terran supremacy over the Moon.

"We've learned that you can't trust these lunocons," said Jarvis. "We've wasted enough of our gravity trying to hold onto a Moon that doesn't want our help. It's the same old story."

Is The Tide Turning?

Jarvis' own story goes deeper, however. It turns out that her son was Joseph "Woogie" Jarvis, a surfer who disappeared in a massive wave off Maui. She bristles at the idea that she is protesting out of anger at her son's Moon-related death. "My son's death was tragic," she says, "But the bigger issue here is why is the Moon in our gravitational sphere in the first place?"

Like an increasing number of disillusioned citizens, Jarvis drives a car bearing a bumper sticker that reads "Support the Surfers -- Release the Moon." She dismisses the contention that the moon might disintegrate even more rapidly if it is released from the Earth's gravity.

"That's a lie promoted by the Moon-mongers at Haliburton," Jarvis argues. Haliburton, the profiteering firm formerly run by Dick Cheney, has recently come under fire for rumors that it is building a gigantic evil base on the dark side of the moon, where it will be free from international scrutiny, heavy corporate taxes and five sixths of its current weight.

The Dark Side of Moon Policy

"Of course Haliburton doesn't want to let the Moon go," said Jarvis. "They'd like nothing more than to chop the Moon up into little pieces and sell it to Earthlings as moon rocks. And then they'd chop the Earth into pieces and sell it back to the Moon. That's just how evil they are."

The Terran public seems to agree. In a recent opinion poll, 58% of respondents agreed with the statement "Haliburton is an evil company," while 36% agreed with the statement that "Haliburton is an evil, fire-breathing lizard." 7% thought that Haliburton was "a small rodent indigenous to Guatemala, which subsists entirely on discarded cell phone batteries and coca beans." 76% said that they would buy Haliburton stock if they had the chance.

Jarvis and several dozen of her unemployed friends are coordinating another rally next week in Stockton. They are planning an aerial photo of the protesters, arranged in a crescent formation, simultaneously bearing their posteriors. The photo will be sent to the White House with the caption, "We've got your Moon right here!"

Meanwhile, the desolate Moon soldiers on, powerless to change course as it hurtles toward its inevitable doom.

Mattress Tags: humor Moon George W. Bush
Listed on humor-blogs.com

Ripon Man Discovers New Dinosaur Species

RIPON, January 18 — Paleontologists stunned the world today by announcing the discovery of a new species of dinosaur. The first known specimen of akathasaurus was found on a ten acre parcel of land owned by Ripon resident Rob Kroese. Kroese found the perfectly preserved fossil while excavating for an addition to his house.

"I was trenching for the septic lines when I found it," Kroese said. "At first I thought it was just a mound of dirt, but when I took a closer look it definitely resembled some sort of reptilian creature."



Kroese wasn't sure what to make of the odd looking specimen, so he called the Sacramento Paleontology Hotline. Dr. Simon Halbertson was there to take the call.

"It was a slow day," Halbertson called. "I had just gotten back from my only other call of the day. A farmer in Lodi thought he had found the knuckle of a pterodactyl, but it turned out to be the badly bleached head of Boba Fett. The guy was charging $20 a head to see it." When Halbertson told the man that carbon dating indicated that Boba Fett was younger than Barney, he had to cut his admission fee in half.

"You ruin a lot of lives in a this job," Halbertson said, obviously still troubled by the experience.

Halberston is convinced that the akathasaurus is the real deal.

"Akathasaurus means 'dirt lizard' in Latin," he said, to the chagrin of a reporter for the Vatican Times and a nearby vagrant who had majored in classical languages. Upon being corrected, Halbertson added, "And by Latin, I of course mean Greek."

He theorizes that akathasaurus subsisted on a meager diet of dirt and water, and perhaps mud when it was available. "Mud," Halbertson said, "was a luxury that few akathasauri could afford." When prompted, Halbertson conceded that he was pretty much making that last part up.



Despite Halbertson's stern warnings, Kroese insisted on poking the specimen with a stick.

"I think it's made of dirt," Kroese said. "I'm wondering if one of my kids built it."

Halbertson sneered at this suggestion. "Unless your kids were around six billion years ago, I highly doubt it," he sneered.

Kroese mentioned to Halbertson that he was pretty sure dinosaurs weren't around six billion years ago either.

Halbertson sneered once again. "I think carbon dating will settle this," he said.

"I doubt it," Kroese replied. "As I recall, carbon dating only works on things that are up to about 60,000 years old. After that, all the carbon-14 has disintegrated."

After hemming and hawing for a bit, Halbertson sheepishly admitted that he was just trying to pick up carbon-based life forms.

"Are you even a real paleontologist?" Kroese asked.

"Of course I am," Halbertson replied. "Paleontologist is Latin for 'appliance salesman', right?"


UPDATE 1/27/07: Shocking Truth Behind Dinosaur Hoax Revealed!


Mattress Tags: Ripon Dinosaur Humor
Listed on humor-blogs.com

Harry Potter and the Inevitable Slide into Satanism...

Before I became a parent, I was frequently amazed at the over-protectiveness of some people regarding their children. I don't mean parents who make their kids wear helmets while riding their bikes or solving a particularly difficult geometry problem; I'm talking about parents who won't let their kids read Harry Potter books or listen to music inspired by the devil. What, I thought to myself, are these parents afraid of exactly? Is there some kind of natural progression from J.K. Rowling fan to goat-worshiping cultist? Where does one turn in one's copy of Black Sabbath's Born Again for a black robe, ceremonial dagger and engram audit? Wait, that last one may be Scientology. I can't keep my evil religions straight any more. Anyway, you get the point. I just couldn't see how kids went from dabbling in occult-inspired media to being full-fledged Satan worshipers. Or hell, even half-fledged. Half-fledged Satan worshipers are almost worse in a way, because they've got a chip on their shoulder and are just itching for a chance to earn their fledge.

Now that I'm a parent, I've realized the necessity of keeping certain books, movies and music away from my children. I don't like the idea of censorship, but no matter how much my kids beg they are not going to be allowed to listen to "Fergilicious" or read Eragon. I'm sorry, but I believe the children are our future.

Neither of my children (aged 5 and 7) have come home toting a Black Sabbath record yet, so I've dodged that bullet so far. But in anticipation of my seven-year-old bookworm eventually asking whether he may read Harry Potter and the Nominative Phrase, I decided to peruse one of these books to determine for myself whether there was any real danger.

I was shocked at what I discovered. In the back of the book was the following ad, reproduced here in its undoctored entirety. Click to enlarge.



I mean, can you believe that? I don't want my kids getting their hands on this. Now where did I put those stamps?


Mattress Tags: Harry Potter Satanism Black Sabbath Humor
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The Force is Middling in this One

6/30/06

Cam Cloudhammer, Director of Human Resources, Order of the Jedi

Dear Mr. Cloudhammer,

As a recent graduate of the Tatooine Academy of Arts and Sciences, I was excited to hear about the opening with the Jedi Knights for an entry level Force Technician I. I have long dreamed of joining the Jedi Order and I think I will be a valuable asset to your organization.

As you can see from my enclosed resume, I graduated with a 3.2 GPA and I scored a 1242 on the Force Assessment Test. I did particularly well in Advanced Midi-Chlorianology and Pre-Imperial History. I believe I could have performed even better academically, but I worked my way through school recalibrating moisture vaporators. I think the combination of my rigorous coursework and practical experience will serve me well as a Force Technician I.

I'm available for an interview on short notice on most weekdays. I know my resume probably isn't the most impressive you will receive, but I think you'll find that I'm "good Jedi material" if you take the time to meet me in person. I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,
Kenny Skywalker

P.S. I forgot to mention that I can type 40 words per minute and levitate small objects with my mind.

P.P.S. Not to name-drop, but in case you're wondering, Luke is my second cousin.




8/21/06

Heinous Vlaak, Personnel Director, Order of the Sith

Dear Mr. Vlaak,

I recently graduated from the Tatooine Academy of Arts and Sciences and was interested to learn of the part time Tractor Field Operator position that was recently posted on the Sith website. I have long been intrigued by the shadowy workings of the Sith, and have recently begun to consider a career in the service of the Empire.

As my enclosed resume indicates, I am an above average student, but I think that the highly structured nature of the Tatooine Academy prevented me from reaching my true potential, as I am something of an "outside the box" thinker. It's true that my experience with the Dark Side is limited, but my current job at the Mos Eisley Spaceport Cantina requires that I be very assertive with droids and others whose kind we don't serve. I am also led to believe that my destiny lies with the Dark Side by my co-workers' frequent reminders that I'm "really not a people person."

I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.

In Your Service,
Kenneth Skywalker (No relation)

P.S. I once pantsed a Jawa, which is considered pretty evil around here. I am also good with Excel.




9/29/06

Boba Fett, Proprietor, Fett Investigations, Bounty Hunter and Polygraph Service

Dear Mr. Fett,

Boy, are you hard to track down! I got your contact information from a mutual acquaintance who indicated that you may have an opening for a henchmen/tough. I know that with my B.A. in Force Theory I may seem overqualified for this position, but I've decided that I'm more interested in a life of adventure than a stable job with a reputable organization at this point in my career. I've dealt with my share of rough characters at my current job at Mos Eisley Spaceport Cantina and my neighborhood is pretty regularly terrorized by Tusken Raiders, so I don't think I'll have much trouble adjusting to the life of a bounty hunter. Please contact me as soon as is convenient for you, because I'm anxious to get started!

Sincerely,
Ken Skywalker

P.S. In case you're concerned about my academic background, I only attended the Tatooine Academy to get my parents off my back. Trust me when I say that I have learned that hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.




11/4/06

Jabba the Hutt, C.E.O., Hutt Enterprises, Inc.

Dear Mr. Hutt,

I recently learned of an opening with your crime syndicate here on Tatooine. I'm not sure what the job entails exactly, but I think I'm up for just about anything after working as the Assistant Manager of the Mos Eisley Cantina Spaceport. Since I was put in charge of marketing, we were named 2nd runner up for "Most Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy" by the Imperial Travel Bureau. Although I've never killed anyone myself, I am often expected to clean up the charred corpses of bounty hunters and other scoundrels, and I think I'm becoming rather inured to the spectacle of mutilation and manslaughter.

I know I probably don't fit the typical profile of your applicants, but I think that if you give me a chance you won't be disappointed. All I'm asking for is a chance.

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Ken S.

P.S. I don't need health insurance and I don't mind sleeping on the floor or whatever.





12/27/06

Dear Uncle Skip,

Do you still own that Chili's in the Dagobah system?

Your loving nephew,

Kenny


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Fed Chair Speaks Out Against Smiley Inflation

WASHINGTON, November 27 — Ben S. Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve, warned Monday that recent inflation trends were "unwelcome developments," indicating that he was particularly worried about a relatively recent phenomenon known as "smiley inflation."

In his toughest comments yet about the risks of smiley inflation, Mr. Bernanke said Internet users were utilizing smileys and chat abbreviations such as "LOL" and "ROTFL" at unprecedented rates. He indicated that while rising consumer prices were of moderate concern, what really worried him was the "irrational exuberance" regarding smileys characterizing the current market landscape.

"Five years ago, the basic unit of currency exchanged for a moderately amusing remark was a regular smiley ( :) ), grin smiley ( :D ) or a simple 'heh.' These units were rapidly devalued and were soon replaced by the laughing smiley ( :)) ) or LOL. Now there is an increasing prospect of serious LOL devaluation, which has a lot of people concerned."

Bernanke stopped short of saying the Fed would take decisive action to combat smiley inflation. As of Monday, the Federal Smiley Use rate remained unchanged at 36.3%, meaning that roughly a third of absurd announcements by government officials would continue to be followed by a single smiley, wink smiley ( ;) ) or eye-rolling smiley ( 8-| ). Use of devil smileys ( >:) ) and tongue-sticking-out smileys ( :p ) also remained unchanged at 12.5%, despite pressure from the Bush administration to raise this rate.

Bernanke would not comment on reports that the Treasury is considering the release of several additional high-end smileys. "For now," Bernanke said, "We believe that ROTFL and LMAO remain sufficient for most humorous transactions." He added that while the regular smiley has been devalued almost to the level of the dot ( . ), there remain some smileys, such as the clown ( :o) ) and crazy smiley ( 8-} ), that are inexplicably underused. "We think it's sort of a Sacagawea dollar situation," Bernanke said. "Is it a dollar? Is it a quarter? Nobody really knows what to make of some of these smileys, and that lack of certainty pushes up the use of LOL and ROTFL." The real worry, however, is that overuse of these abbreviations will cause users to resort to increased use of ROTFLOL and ROTFLMAO. If ROTFLMAO becomes devalued, many analysts believe the Treasury will be forced to release new smileys or abbreviations.

A recent Congressional Smiley Committee report had suggested the gradual introduction of several new smileys, including:

:(~) Laughing so hard you can see that thingy hanging down in the back of my throat.

:^&)) Laughing so hard that milk is shooting out of my nose.

:-[X=| Laughing so hard that I wet myself.

:)) [+] Laughing so hard that paramedics had to be called.

:)) $$$ Laughing so hard that I expect to be paid for it.

The committee declined to endorse the so-called "nuclear option," the release of FTIEH (Funniest Thing I Ever Heard). Committee members cited concerns that it left no room for future abbreviations of even greater value.

"The work of the Smiley Committee is appreciated, but I believe it is premature to be talking about the need for more high-value smileys," Bernanke said. He is known for holding the controversial opinion that the level of humor on the Internet has actually been decreasing over recent years, despite the proliferation of smileys. His remarks on this subject have fueled concerns regarding the possibility of a "humor bubble." Smiley inflation occurs when there are "too many smileys chasing too few really funny jokes," Bernanke stated. "There are a lot of markets where users are throwing out LOLs in response to Garfield-level humor. I don't believe that's sustainable over the long term."

Bernanke was asked to comment on an IM conversation between two office workers that made news over the weekend. The chat log, which was leaked to the press by an anonymous employee of AOL Time Warner, has created a firestorm of controversy regarding the company's alleged encouragement of the blatant overuse of smileys. The chat log reads, in part:

SidneyJennings2003: what r u doing this wkend?

KarenN1970: wacthing gilmor grlz. U?

SidneyJennings2003: LOL! me 2

KarenN1970: LOL ur 2 funny. is austin coming over???

SidneyJennings2003: we broke up

KarenN1970: OMG no way!!! :( :( :(

SidneyJennings2003: hes a big jerk i borke up with him!!!

KarenN1970: ROTFLMAO!!! ur 2 funny!! :D

"I don't see how anyone can look at an exchange like that and conclude that it represents a reasonable usage of smileys or abbreviations," Bernanke said.

Tim Kellerman, Vice President of AOL Time Warner for :D, dismissed the controversy. "Everyone knows that young female office workers use a ridiculous number of smileys," Kellerman said. "The market discounts it." He argued the use of smileys among users of all demographics remains well within historical norms. He added, "We're feeling very good about the level of use of smileys overall :) ."

The market's reaction to Bernanke's statement was mixed, with most Fed watchers expressing " :| "or " (:| ".