Thursday Shout-Out

Wow, it's been a while since I've done one of these. Been busy editing magazines and whatnot.

Remember the good old days when Humor-Blogs.com was a big happy family, with me sitting on top of that family like a big friendly uncle who smelled like pipe tobacco and beef? Well, those days are over. After several days of pleading with y'all to click the Humor-Blogs.com link (Please! It'll only take a second!), I have clawed my way up to a measly fourth place in the rankings.*

One of the reasons for my fall is Kadi Prescott, who is currently lording it over me in third. What does Kadi have that I don't? Well, first of all she's like 17 times better looking than I am. Second, she's going to be a big TV star.

Yes, our very own Kadi is going to be on ABC's Supernanny.

Kadi stars as a mild mannered steel worker and exotic dancer who transforms into Supernanny when she is bitten by a radioactive Julie Andrews impersonator. In addition to being able to see 426 different shades of green, Supernanny can speak the language of boll weevils and lift a box car loaded with bouillon cubes once a week. The graphical nature of the show is such that the produces cannot legally advertise the air date, but I have it on good authority that it will be on either March 4 or 12.

Kadi is also working on a calendar of hot blogging moms or something. She has promised me a spot in the calendar if I'm willing to wear a bikini. I'm mulling this.

Anyway, check out Kadi's blog before she becomes ultrafamous.

And when you're done there, make sure you check out the Clay Pigeon humor magazine as well, in case you haven't seen this week's issue yet.

The Clay Pigeon features writing from a bunch of different bloggers, so if you enjoy it, be sure to visit some of our contributors' blogs as well:

The Gallivanting Monkey
See Mike Draw
The Frog Bog Blog
Crummy Church Signs
O Mighty Crisis
Izzle Pfaff!
Predator Press
Genuine Ideas
Armadillo Trader
The Reasonable Ego

Seriously, I know you only have so much time for blog reading, but these are some really funny writers. See for yourself.

At the very least, click on this: Humor-blogs.com. You know you want to.

*Ok, I just checked and I've officially overtaken Kadi. But for how long?

Thursday Shout-Out: HumorBlogging.com

First of all, thanks to everybody who responded to yesterday's post and tried to assure me that I'm completely normal. That's total bullocks, of course, but thanks. I mean, we all have our remote-control-in-the-freezer moments, but trust me, I take absentmindedness to a whole new level.

Oh, and to those who attributed my condition to (1) being male, (2) getting old, or (3) being overworked, I respond:

(1) Then I must be way male.
(2) I've actually gotten less scatterbrained as I've aged. Which isn't to say that I'm about to head down the other side of that hill, but trust me, I was even worse 20 years ago. I'm tempted to ask my mom to do a guest post to prove it.
(3) ROFLMAO.

In any case, the point of today's post was supposed to be to give a shout out to Fiar's new blog, Humor Blogging. Like the man says,

The goal of the site is to create a resource for, and community of humor writers that wish to showcase their work, and learn to be better humor writers.

I think his site is a nice complement to Humor-Blogs.com, because it takes a more focused look at the nitty-gritty of writing a humorous blog. If you're an aspiring humor blogger (or "humour" blogger, if you prefer), I would highly recommend that you bookmark HumorBlogging.com.

And not just because I did a fabulous guest post today about how to write a Diesel-esque post.

I'll be back tomorrow with another edition of the famed Mattress Police caption contest. Although if I'm feeling overworked, I may just have to use this pic. See you then!

Caption Contest Winners

This week's winning caption came from the beautiful and witty Kadi Prescott, whose blog, Seven Seeds, you should visit right now. I have a feeling that Kadi is going to be very popular in the near future, so you should make a point to get over there and become her friend while she will still have you.

Kadi, you may display the prestigious In Your Face award:




I have to admit that I was silently rooting for Jay's entry, because it ties in so well with the newfound purpose of this blog:

"We're very disappointed with your refusal to play Huey Lewis on this station."

And finally, the woman who may soon be known as Third Place Theresa (the 'h' is silent), with another clever pop culture reference:

The Cat in the Hat was really sorry he'd let Thing One and Thing Two out of the box.

I also have to give a special shout-out to Crazy Aunt Bea, whose caption, though doomed to go down to defeat, holds a special place in my heart. You'll have to ask her what a "diesel fitter" is exactly, but I'll be darned if she doesn't work a "diesel fitter" joke into every freaking caption contest. I don't get them, but they still make me laugh every time. So of course I burst into uncontrollable fits of giggles when she checked in with this little gem:

Jules: Say "diesel fitter" again. SAY "DIESEL FITTER" AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherf**ker.

Okay folks, time for me to get some motherf***ing work done. See you back here on Monday for an insightful analysis of the state of the American economy. Tip your waitresses and buy my book.

Listed on humor-blogs.com.

Did I Mention...?

Man, I've been so busy this week that I think I might have forgotten to mention that my book, Antisocial Commentary, is on sale for $9.95 with free shipping until December 14. Buy it now!

Recently I gave a copy to a friend of my wife's and her husband as a housewarming gift. I mentioned to them that several people had told me that it was excellent bathroom reading. Apparently they took me very literally, because the next day my wife's friend called her to tell her that while she and her husband were supposed to be doing some work around the house, her husband kept disappearing into the bathroom. At first she was irritated, and then concerned. Of course, it turned out that he was sneaking off to read my book. So be warned: It may start off as bathroom reading, but if you don't want people to think you're experience uncontrollable bouts of Dianetics, you may want to leave the book in the living room.

In case you're still not convinced, here are some quotes from various pillars of the blogging community regarding the wonder that is Antisocial Commentary:


"Diesel is that rare author who manages to find humor in just about anything. And not just 'regular' humor, but the much more difficult/rare Oh My God I'm About To Wet My Pants Because I'm Laughing So Hard, Help Me Jeebus! variety."

- Crazy Aunt Beatrice from Central Snark


"Many would call it being a virtuoso, a prodigy or idiot-savant. In fact, due to the flying bullets of topics flying all around the reader, he covers all three of the aforementioned much to the chagrin of his fellow writers.... No other humor writer matches this ability sans one. Diesel has defined his niche and it is as the heterosexual David Sedaris. Yes, Virigina, that is possible. Just peek between the covers."

- Howard from The Web Pen Blog


"Mr. Kroese is an amazingly brilliant and creative writer. It's always great to find someone who can take a simple thing like putting on your socks or renting a car and turn it into entertainment."

- Teri from The Road Lester Traveled

"The topics are as varied and diverse as the selections in today's average peanut butter aisle in the supermarket. I can laugh at things that are funny, but Diesel makes me laugh at things that I wouldn't have thought to think of as funny but, upon further review, realize are obviously funny. I really enjoy picking this book up, and you will too."

- The Frogster from The Frog Bog


"Diesel’s book is funny. I laughed out loud every few pages and I chuckled more often than not between every flip. More importantly, the book is very, very readable. To collect 150+ pages from hundreds of posts and have it flow from start to finish is quite a feat. All in all, this is a good read and an anthology worthy of purchase."

- SinisterDan from The Reasonable Ego


"Diesel is one funny guy. Correction - make that one funny, brilliant guy. He gets it - gets the absurdities of life - and with his own unique, inimitable style of writing shares his take on life. Antisocial Commentary is a must read for all who recognize that laughter can get us through just about anything life throws our way. And then some… It brings forth smirks, smiles, chuckles and those big old laugh-out-loud guffaws. Read it and weep – tears of laughter!"

- Beth from Books Etc.


And no, I didn't pay any of these people to say that stuff. I'm not much for self-promotion (see, now even I'm laughing!), but you might have noticed that I'm rather proud of this book. I'd stack it up against anything in the Humor section of Barnes and Noble, if they wouldn't keep throwing me out of the store.

So just buy it, ok? You have until December 14th to get it at the almost immorally low price of $9.95 with free shipping. And remember, any proceeds will go to the cause of promoting Huey Lewis.*

Oh, and I know there are several others of you who have written rave reviews that aren't included here. Don't worry, I'll do another of these shameless posts soon. If you'd like to be mentioned, please leave a comment or send me an email so that I don't accidentally miss you.

Ok, so buy the book, and I'll see you tomorrow for the caption contest results. If you buy the book.


*Huey Lewis is not a charity and contributions are not considered tax-deductible.

I wonder if you can get my book at Humor-blogs.com.

Thursday Shout Out: God (A Thanksgiving Photo Essay)

Our front yard in August:


Our front yard today:


The house:


The urchins:


The urchins' mommy:


Thanksgiving reading material (and George):


Have you ordered your copy yet? I haven't read mine yet because Mrs. Diesel wouldn't let go of it. Judging from her chortling, I assume it's pretty gosh-darn funny.

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the caption contest results. And remember, Monday is the launch of Humor-Blogs.com 2.0. Feel the excitement.

This Thanksgiving, curl up with a nice warm cup of Humor-Blogs.com.

The Post Where I Make Things Right With the Touchy Females

So my last post got me called a misogynist, which is rather unfair, since I don’t hate women so much as I hate people in general. That’s why my blog has the sub-heading "Antisocial Commentary." I even wrote a book with that title. I’m not sure how that’s unclear. Am I not using a big enough font?

Ok, ok, I don’t hate people, at least not the way I hate Grey’s Anatomy, but I do find them to be grating and tiresome, like one of the later episodes of M*A*S*H where Alan Alda spent the whole time whining about the horrors of war rather than playing amusing tricks on Hot Lips Hoolihan. Except that unlike with M*A*S*H, you can’t just tune it out, because people keep poking you and telling you that it’s your nephew’s birthday and you should really be watching him open presents rather than sitting on the couch in the other room reading The New Yorker.

My in-laws are Dutch, and there’s a Dutch word for being sociable that I can’t spell which is pronounced huh-ZELL-uh -- but instead of making the h sound, you make a sound like someone choking to death slowly on a walnut. Khkhkhkhuuuuhkhkhkhk-ZELL-uuuuhkhkhhkhk. The Dutch are like Germans who have had their hunger for world domination replaced with a bad upper respiratory infection.

You have no idea how many times I’ve had to wipe the globs of sputum off my glasses from having that word spewed at me. I’m ALWAYS being chided that I need to be huh-ZELL-uh, usually by my wife or mother-in-law. “Diesel, put down that book and be Khkhkhkhuuuuhkhkhkhk- ZELL-uuuuhkhkhhkhk.” There’s even a noun form of it, in which you add an “-ite” sound to the end of the word: Khkhkhkhuuuuhkhkhkhk- ZELL-uuuuhkhkhhkhk-ITE. So if a group of old Dutch people are sitting together in a living room, sipping tea out of Delft cups and discussing the relative merits of their respective negro manservants, then they are enjoying a bit of Khkhkhkhuuuuhkhkhkhk- ZELL-uuuuhkhkhhkhk-ITE. To me, it sounds like a good name for those little chunks of white stuff that I occasionally cough up when I’ve got a sinus infection, but whatever. To the Dutch, it’s a good thing.

I’m of Dutch descent too, but my parents were second generation, so the word never got passed down to me or my brothers. Come to think of it, I don’t think we learned the concept of being sociable in any language. In fact, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’re probably thinking, “Wait, you have brothers?” Yeah, sorry about that. It just hasn’t come up. I haven’t spoken to either of them in six months – not because we don’t get along, but because, geez, what do we need to talk about that we can’t cover in a ten minute phone call once a year?

So my wife’s family is much more social than mine, and frankly it’s a bit hard for me to take at times. Don’t get me wrong – being married to Mrs. Diesel would be worth having the Manson family as in-laws, but occasionally I overdose on human contact and have to go hide under my bed for a few days.

I used to feel guilty about wanting to get away from people, but I’m feeling better about it as I get older. The first indication I got that it was okay for me to be this way came when my wife and I were first married. We took a trip to Canada to visit some of her relatives. We met several of her aunts and uncles, and they were all super friendly and hospitable, as Canadians tend to be, except for one uncle, who literally didn’t say a word to us. He just sat in a chair in the kitchen and read the newspaper, while we chatted or played games or whatever. Nobody even bothered to apologize for him, because they were just so used to him being completely antisocial. I slept in this guy’s basement for two nights, and he never said a word to me. I can imagine a lot of people being offended by his lack of sociability, but my reaction was, “Wow, can you do that? That is so AWESOME.” He and I bonded that day through a complete lack of human contact. I’ve been trying to get up the courage to be that guy for the past 14 years.

My point is that while I take issue with the “misogynist” label, I’ll readily admit that I’m not big on people. I guess that in the end, I’m a bit of a loner, and I’m learning to be okay with that.

Plus, the chicks dig it. They’re easy that way.

Find plenty more touchy females at humor-blogs.com.

Thursday Shriek-Out: Humor-Blogs.com

Greetings, flesh-bags! I am Grundir the Implacable, Nazgûl and Meme-Wraith. My master, Diesel, is too busy serving the kingdom of Googûl to deal with the likes of you. Although this site has been largely meme-free for the past several weeks, my lord Diesel has released me from my undisclosed location in his barn in order to deliver the customary Thursday 'shout-out.' As I have no corporeal form, it is difficult for me to shout, so my words tend to come out as a ghastly shriek. Sorry about that.

Bah! Why am I apologizing to you, when you should be cowering in fear of me? That doesn't sound right. Cowering in fear. Of me. Cowering of me. In fear. Prepositions are something I have always had a problem with.

In any case, I am here to urge you to visit Humor-blogs.com. Why? Because you will laugh your corporeal ass off, that's why. Also, my master's site has inexplicably slipped to third place in the rankings, and he needs your help to get back on top of Joel. Er, you know what I mean. It's unseemly for my lord Diesel to be listed third on his own humor blog directory. Every visit to humor-blogs.com will help improve my master's score.

So visit Humor-blogs.com today. And tomorrow. And every day this week. And next week. And on and on, until your quivering flesh lies still, rotting amongst the barrow wights.

My master will return tomorrow with the caption contest winners. Make sure you vote.

Oh, and visit humor-blogs.com.

Bah!

Thursday Shout Out

You guys should really check out Tina's blog. She's wacky.

Jocelyn is slightly less wacky, but she makes up for it with added coherency.

Have you ordered your signed, discounted copy of Crummy Church Signs Volume 1 by our good friend and witty gentleman Joel Bezaire yet? You only have a few days left. Get it now!

As for me, I'm over at the Snark today, talking about my (and Dennis Kucinich's) UFO sighting.

It's going to be another busy day. I'll see you back here tomorrow for another entry in the caption contest. I think I've really outdone myself this time.*

Update 9:51 - Okay, apparently I'm not at the Snark today. But I will be tomorrow. As well as here. With the most awesome caption pic.**

Also, I think I've fixed the problem with the blank space between the header and the post. Let me know if you notice anything else weird.


*In waiting until the very last minute to do a caption contest pic.
**that I can come up with in about an hour tonight.

Crummy Church Signs: The Book!

The caption contest poll has been pre-empted for something even more exciting this week: Joel from Crummy Church Signs has written a book!

I've said before that I think that Crummy Church Signs has the highest laugh-to-word count ratio of any website I've come across. I think it helps to have grown up with a church background to appreciate some of the confused theology and Sunday school cheesiness, but how can you not laugh at a sign that reads "The size of the tool doesn't matter in The Master's hand" ? (Joel's commentary: "But it's a whole different story if you ask Mrs. The Master.")

For a limited time the book is only $10.99 with FREE shipping, and Joel will autograph it for you! This offer is only available until Nov. 6 at the Humor-Blogs.com store. After that, the price will go up to the regular price of $12.99 PLUS shipping (and no signature...).

Joel sent me a draft a few weeks ago, and Mrs. Diesel and I were laughing ourselves silly over these signs.

Still not convinced? How about this: Joel is giving all the proceeds to charity. As Joel says:

With all the psychological damage that these crummy signs have inflicted upon the world, it's time for them to start doing some good. That is why I am donating 100% of my proceeds from the sale of this book to Compassion, a Christian advocacy group for underprivileged kids in third world countries.

Come on, how cool is that? You get a signed copy of a hilarious book at a phenomenal price, you get to support a blogger who provides endless entertainment both on his site and here (Joel is a perennial finalist in the caption contests), and you get to help poor kids. What are you waiting for? Buy your copy today!


I'll post the caption contest poll tomorrow. If you buy the book.

Compassion is our middle name at humor-blogs.com. That's what the "-" stands for.

Thursday Shout-Out

So I'm over at Central Snark today, whining about how Stephen Colbert is totally ripping me off. The Snark den mother, Snuppy aka Neva aka Crazy Aunt Beatrice, has been having a rough time of it of late, and to make matters worse, interlopers like Joel from Crummy Church Signs and I have been ruining the good name of the Snark. Anyway, even if you don't want to read my stupid post, stop by Central Snark and wish Crazy Aunt Beatrice rest and safe travels as she travels across the country for a funeral and then returns home to her son who is recuperating from a serious car accident.

In other news, I have decided, in response to your feedback, to put Grundir the meme-wraith on temporary probation. He's out in the barn thinking things over now. I may call upon his services in a week or two if I get tagged for anything. In the mean time, he still has a few meme-quashing requests outstanding. If you've requested his services, don't worry, he should be able to get to you in the next day or two.

Well, this is supposed to be a shout-out, so let's see what else I can come up with. Renal Failure's post on prostitution in Vancouver was pretty funny, as was Dorky Dad's good-natured ridiculing of his wife's Fist of Death. And you should really check out the cartoons of new Humor-Blogs.com member Mike at See Mike Draw. Great stuff.

I'm going to put some real effort into tomorrow's caption contest pic, so that stupid anonymous commenters with very small penises can't bitch about the lighting being off. See you back here tomorrow!

Thursday Shout-Out: Three Scary Monsters

Long time Mattress Police supporter, Humor-Blogs.com member and funny guy Mr. Fabulous is up for the Best Humor Blog award once again. Vote for him here. I know, I know, you want to vote for me, but you can't. I haven't been nominated, and if I had I would just throw all my support to Fab. Because, well, he has a chance to win.

In other news, have you been following the drama at Central Snark? You should be. As you know, my Nazgul minion Grundir the Implacable has been traversing the blogosphere dispatching memes and hobbits with his razor sharp wit and broadsword, respectively. Not content with memicide, he even decimated some Crummy Church Signs. But no amount of violence seems to soothe Grundir's blackened soul, and on Monday he showed up at Central Snark, whining about how hard it is to be neither truly dead nor alive:

What weighs heavily upon me these days is the little things, like the way small children look upon me when I’m at Target. I know, I should not let it trouble me so, but it wears on one, being constantly treated as if I am some sort of monster. Bah! I hear your protests. It is immaterial that I am, in fact, some sort of monster. (Get it, immaterial? I slay me!)

This was evidently more than some people could take. No longer satisfied to borrow Grundir for his own purposes, Joel from Crummy Church Signs hired his own socially inept henchman, a Wookie named Kalfu'ur, to "investigate" the misuse of alter egos throughout the blogosphere. A "quote," from Kalfu-ur, such as it is:

(Unintelligible Wookie War-Bellow)

Kalfu’ur stop silly alternate personas! Kalfu’ur not understand them! They not same as when Chewbacca, Magnificent One (May His Fur Always Be Ruffled) pretended to be prisoner in order infiltrate Death Star. Or when He pretended to be prisoner in order infiltrate Jabba’s Palace. (What can Kalfu’ur say? A good plan is a good plan. He “Magnificent One” for a reason!) There no princess in Inter-net! There no carbonite-encased friends! There no handsome bounty for alternate personas!

(A second unintelligible Wookie War-Bellow)

This led to a heated discussion in which Kalfu'ur was accused of being a prime example of the very thing he was supposed to be stamping out. The argument rapidly devolved into a barrage of vicious insults, with Kalfu'ur accusing Grundir of being unable to defend Mordor against midgets and Grundir suggesting that Kalfu'ur was just grumpy about his dingleberries.

Lampsha (also known as G, Queen of Humor-Blogs Reviews), stepped in to mediate, resulting in a riveting panel discussion between the two creatures. Although they were in agreement that "small, furry creatures are the bane of great evil empires everywhere," the discussion doesn't seem to have done much to improve relations between our minions. The low point was probably when Kalfu'ur quoted REO Speedwagon. Now people are talking about a "cage match," and I just don't know what to do any more. You try to raise your evil minions right, teach them evil from just plain wrong, and listen to their tortured howls of misery and regret, but I guess in the end they have to choose their own path. Read the discussion here and tell me what I should do with Grundir.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

I'll make a decision based on the results and let you know sometime next week.

And be back here tomorrow for the caption contest results. Get your vote in now!

Thursday Shout-Out

Greetings once again, meat-sacks. My master is still occupied with other matters, so he has asked me to handle the "Thursday Shout-Out" for him. I am not accustomed to speaking in a heartening manner regarding other bloggers, but I shall try for the sake of my master. I am indebted to him for his confidence in me.

Firstly, I must mention young Lisa of Insatiable: the Girl. Lisa blessed my lord Diesel with an endorsement of his book, Antisocial Commentary, that is so enthusiastic and heartfelt that it nearly melted the metaphorical ice around my cold, shriveled Nazgul heart. Read it and understand why every one of you must buy a copy. As a display of gratitude, my lord Diesel has authorized me to deal with a particularly loathsome meme that is troubling Lisa. Look for my appalling visage at her blog in the near future.

I have never excelled at contests (although I do hold the record for speed-skinning a live hobbit), but I have two contests to announce: Cindra is re-launching her word game, now known as The Great Quill Driving Competition. And Nessa (Goldennib) is embarking on the second month of her Scavenger Hunt Game. May the good-natured competitiveness begin!

And of course, my master will be posting a new photo for the caption contest tomorrow. Be here or taste my steel!

The Mattress Police Force

Adjutant Inspectors


The Full Force

Thursday Shout-Out

Our favorite Nazgul and meme-wraith, Grundir the Implacable, has taken time out of his busy meme-killing schedule to guest post at Crummy Church Signs. Tremble as the mighty Nazgul directs his unbridled fury toward misguided church signs.

Grundir is in much demand for his ability to dispatch memes and hobbits with his razor sharp wit and slightly less sharp broadsword. Look for him at a blog near you. If you would like to ask Grundir to handle a meme for you, email him at grundir@mattresspolice.com.

Chris C. over at Nothing to See Here is starting a new feature called "Humor Bloggers Speak!" I added an exclamation mark because it sounds exciting that way. He's going to be periodically interviewing members of the Humor-Blogs.com community, and guess what? I'm up first! Visit his site and read my brilliant riffs on Hillary Clinton, Arbor Day and non-dairy creamer.

Get your votes in for the caption contest by tonight. I'll be posting the winners tomorrow.

Diesel out.

Thursday Shout-Out: G

No, that's not a typo. I'm giving a shout-out to the letter G. Like on Sesame Street, when they used to say "brought to you by the letters S, B, K and the number 7." Speaking of which, product placement on movies and TV shows has really gotten out of hand. I mean, can you believe all the marketing that the number 5 does? How much do you think it had to pay to have EVERY fake phone number in every show ever start with 555? More than 5, I'll bet.

Well G didn't pay me anything to post this, but she happens to be one of my favorite bloggers. She hasn't been blogging a whole lot lately at her own site, but you can catch her blogging about her latest musical finds every Saturday at Central Snark (under the name "Lampshade Lady" or sometimes "D.J. Lampsha"). She has also been kind enough to fill in for me this week at the Humor-Blogs.com review site. She posted one review today, and she'll be doing two more later this week. If you stop by and tell her how much better her reviews are than mine, I might even be able to get her to do a few more.

If you're wondering what all this Humor-Blogs.com stuff is about, it's basically a community of funny bloggers. I started it a few months back, and now there are nearly 300 blogs participating. We've got some really funny blogs listed, so go check it out. And if you have a humorous blog yourself, go ahead and sign up!

The letter G also stands for our favorite Nazgul and Meme-Wraith, Grundir the Implacable. I can't express how thankful I am to him for dispatching those three memes yesterday. Due to the overwhelming response, I've decided to let Grundir offer his services to other meme-plagued bloggers. If you have been tagged with a meme that you don't feel like doing, please email grundir@mattresspolice.com. He will come to your blog and take care of your meme. Just keep in mind that I have no control over what he does. Nazgul are a temperamental lot, and there is a reason that he is known as Implacable.

I will be back on Friday with another round of the caption contest. See you then!

Diesel out.

Thursday Shout-Out: Mattress Police Supporters

It seems like everybody is celebrating a blogiversary these days. Suzy is celebrating her first, and Crummy Church Signs just celebrated its third. Well, I guess that's only two. Not really a trend, is it?

Anyway, my own blog is now roughly a year old. I say "roughly" because as with Jesus, historians aren't sure of the exact date of its birth. Historians also seem to be uncertain what the name of this blog is exactly. Is it Mattress Police? Antisocial Commentary? MattressPolice (Antisocial Commentary)? Mattress Police Antisocial Commentary Cougar Mellencamp?

This blog started out as MattressPolice.com. "Antisocial Commentary" was sort of a tagline, like with the X-Files movie, which wasn't really called X-Files: Fight the Future, despite what the posters said. Then it split into four different blogs, all under the Mattress Police rubric, like the time that Superman died and split into four different guys, one of whom went on to be the subject of a horrible movie with Shaquille O'Neal. The main one of these four was The Secret Files. There was also Mattress Police Dispatches, Central Booking (my reading log) and Deep Cover (my serious blog). Then I killed Dispatches and renamed The Secret Files to Mattress Police - Antisocial Commentary. Central Booking and Deep Cover still exist, although I removed the links to them, so they're just about impossible to find.

Then I wrote a book incorporating as many of these names as I could fit on the cover: Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police.

So, for the record, the name of this blog is: Mattress Police - Antisocial Commentary. I don't plan on changing it again. I think.

Ok, so the point of this post was to thank some of the people who have supported me along the way. Many of these people are listed under Adjutant Inspectors (now down there on the right, due to complaints about my blog loading slowly). Thank you to everyone who has linked to me, bought my book, signed up for the humor-blogs.com referral program or left encouraging comments.

I particularly want to thank Joel from the aforementioned Crummy Church Signs and the gang from Central Snark. I probably would have given up on this a while ago if it weren't for you cats. Thanks!

Also, I have finally promoted Nothing to See Here to Adjutant Inspector rank. I've been meaning to for a while, but I was finally guilted into doing it by his insanely positive review of Antisocial Commentary.

I'll be back tomorrow with the caption contest results.

Diesel out.

Thursday Shout-Out: Karen from A Strange Life

Normally on Thursdays I do a post linking to some of my favorite blogs or blog posts. I was thinking of doing a post thanking those of you who signed up for the Humor-Blogs Revenue Referral Program, but I think I've done enough self-promotion for a while and I didn't want it to be misinterpreted as more self-congratulating on my part.

Then I ran across this comment from the lovely Karen on my most recent post:

You sir are a fucktard dingleberry, your post is (basically) about overweight women and how they should hide when average weight people are around. I think this is one of those posts everyone keeps telling me to just ‘click by’ it’s a humor blog he doesn’t mean anything blah blah blah, but I read it 3 times to make sure I hadn’t gone crosseyed or something, and I think I’m about to get banned from another blog. Yep, Pointless Drivel and I are no more due to my lack of tolerance, I'm sure I need to get taken off your list of book-hocking butt blogs, and if 6 billion people are trying not to look that doesn't leave too many fat women does it? Perhaps there is a record for being banned from commenting? Oh, and if anyone qualifies for this ugly post it's Pointless Drivel...so it's a twofer!

Thanks, Karen. Now that you've mentioned fat women hiding when average people are around, I can't rid my mind of the image of of tutu-wearing hippos trying to be very still behind lamp posts.

Anyway, Karen's blog is here, if you'd like to read more. I'll be back tomorrow with an all new caption contest!

Get Paid for Blogging!!!

If you're one of those people who has moral objections to ads on blogs, I'd suggest you skip this post and read this one instead. It's got teddy bears.

As you probably know by now, I've written a book. It's called Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. It's pretty funny, if people like this or this are to be believed. A lot of my fellow bloggers have been kind enough to help me promote the book, and the other day I started to think, "Wouldn't it be great if there was some way to reward these people for helping me out?"

As you also probably know, I was a web developer before I "retired," and I currently run a little humor blog directory appropriately named humor-blogs.com. I decided to leverage my connections and experience to start a "referral program," where bloggers can earn money by selling books by humor-blogs.com members. I'm starting with my own book, but I expect to be adding titles by other members in the future.

So if you are a blogger who is interested in (1) making a few bucks; or (2) helping me promote my book; or (3) helping to promote this referral program in order to encourage your fellow funny bloggers, please CLICK HERE to read all about the Humor-Blogs.com Revenue Referral Program.

It's super-easy. Basically you sign up and then put a link on your website to the humor-blogs.com store. If a visitor clicks on the link and buys a book, you make $2.00, paid via PayPal. If you've looked into how much Amazon or Google pays for ads, you'll know that $2.00 per sale is practically unheard of. I'm willing to give you that much because my costs are low (since I'm the author, publisher, distributor and retailer) and I don't really care about making money on the book. I just want to get as many copies out there as I can, and see how much potential this distribution model has.

If you want to see what the ads look like, visit one of these sites:






Read more about the Humor-Blogs Revenue Referral Program here.


Ok, now that that's out of the way, I can give you the answers to yesterday's "spelling test." I cheated by copying and pasting Jeff's answers, since he got them all right.

nurse=nresce
battle=batfall
pennies=penerd
confusion=kufshanr
discovery=bufen
resident=rebet
visible=vizetfall
trapped=chraped
distance=bistis
fever=feful
phone=phoesph
charge=jrash
drawing=braign
fraction=freken
scrape=craep

Actually, Lime and Crazy Aunt Bea got them all right too, but Jeff was first.

I'll be back tomorrow with a non-lame, non-self-promoting, 100% original post. It's been a while, huh?

Diesel out.

Thursday Shout-Out

It's been a while since I've done a straight-up shout-out, so here are some links for your enjoyment.

First, I was going to tell you to get your movie quotes in to The Spoon's contest, but I'm too late. Instead, you'll just have to go there and watch me get my ass kicked.

If the phrase "The early bird gets caught the continuous screw" strikes a chord with you, you might want to get the full scoop at Central Snark.

Anybody up for a nice game of Bushopoly?

And finally, those of you who share my inexplicable and unrequited love for Peggy Noonan may want to avoid reading this.

I'll be back tomorrow with the caption contest results. Diesel out.

Thursday Shout-Out: New Adjutant Inspectors!

I was just informed by my son that this is NOT a finger.

As promised, I have updated the Adjutant Inspector roll. The new Inspectors are:

• BooksEtc.
• Dorky Dad
• Life On Manitoulin
• Queen of Dysfunction
• The Chrysalis Stage
• The Frog Bog
• UNCIVIL
• Variant E's Fantastical Nonsense

I know you've probably got a thousand questions about this. What does it mean to be an Adjutant Inspector? How does one get picked? What does "adjutant" mean?

All I can tell you is that it wouldn't hurt to buy my book, Antisocial Commentary. Beyond that, you'll just have to visit the other Adjutant Inspectors and try to get them to tell you what the secret is.

I expect to be sending the book orders out on Saturday. I've gotten payment from almost all of you. If you pre-ordered a copy and haven't paid yet, please email me for payment instructions (Don't worry, I won't yell at you).

Speaking of books, I have posted my thoughts on Haroun and the Sea of Stories at my Central Booking blog. Yeah, remember that? I'm still slogging through my reading list, believe it or not.

That's about it for today. Come back tomorrow for this week's caption contest!

Diesel out.


P.S.: It's my daughter's leg, you sick bastards.

No Boobs Today (Thursday Shout-Out)

Thanks to Joel from Crummy Church Signs for filling in for me at the Humor-Blogs.com review site. I think we can all agree that he did a better job than I've been doing and was much less pissy about it than I am. If you want to be a guest review editor, let me know and maybe we can work something out. The only qualifications are a rudimentary grasp of the English language and a fondness for crushing people's dreams.

Also, thanks to Crazy Aunt Beatrice (aka Snuppy) from Central Snark, for ordering no fewer than FIVE copies of my book, as well as something like 14 t-shirts from the Mattress Police store at last count. She must have a lot of boobs to need that many shirts, but I've been forbidden to post any more boob pics until our plumbing is complete.

I'll be back tomorrow with perhaps the best caption contest photo yet. I say "perhaps" because I have no idea at this point what it will be.

And as you would know if you ever listened to me, tomorrow is the last day to pre-order a signed, discounted copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary. Not ordering it could be the biggest mistake you ever make. I say "could be" because I have no idea at this point what other mistakes you are likely to make.

See you tomorrow!

Update 1:04 PM: My NBFF, Cathouse Teri, has ordered six copies of my book, presumably because she has a LOT of end tables with one short leg.