Caption Contest: The Hulk

You have to feel a little bad for Ang Lee. He's a respected director who did his best to make a decent superhero movie. Sadly, no one told him that when you're making a movie called The Hulk, you shouldn't make the audience wait 40 minutes before they see the Hulk. Mrs. Diesel and I made the mistake of seeing The Hulk at a matinee; by the time the Hulk started doing interesting stuff like bounding through the desert and biting the heads off missiles and spitting them at helicopters, the theater had been overrun by middle-schoolers who were bored out of their minds after the seventeenth lingering shot of moss on a rock.

So now they're pulling a Batman Begins and making another Hulk movie, pretending that the last one never happened. How do you think that makes Ang Lee feel? (And don't say, "anglee," because you wouldn't like him when he's anglee.) Even I Know What You Did Last Summer evidently warrants two sequels (the last one being called -- no joke -- I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer). But The Hulk was such a mess that they're calling a do-over, only five years after the first one came out. At least Ang Lee was smart enough to make his next movie about gay cowboys, so that there would be absolutely no chance of any audience overlap.

Anyway, you know where this is going. That's me with the big green guy. Submit your captions in the comments. The lovely and pensive Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I'll post a poll on Tuesday. Have fun!



I'll be back on Monday with a brand new post that's so awesome that you'll forget all about how lame this blog has been lately.

Listed on humor-blogs.com.

Iron Man Caption Contest Winners

In a truly historic turn of events, Brad won the contest two times in a row, for a total of three wins! I even had to make a special banner for him:



In second place was newcomer Jenny, Bloggess, with:

The vasectomy was difficult but a success. There would be no more toaster-related paternity suits in Iron Man's future.

And Barry took third with:

"Hey c'mon Diesel! You said it was just going to be a bit of spanking and back to the script! Hey! Can you hear me? Look I'm using the safety word! Spaghetti!! Spaghetti!!"

I also have to give a special nod to three contestants for Most Obscure Mattress Police Reference. If you get all three of these references, you definitely need to get out more:

carolinebender:

"Frankly, building lawn mowers sounds like a pain in the ass, so how about if I spend an extra three weeks and build a machine that builds lawn mowers?"

stushie:

Sadly, Diesel forgot the fatal difference between building a cyborg, instead of an android.

Deb on the Rocks:

Tentacle porn soon led to more hardcore stuff for the once-innocent lad Diesel.

Thanks for participating, everybody. Have an Ironic end to a Manic week.


Humor-blogs.com is now 99.4% tentacle porn free!

Vote!

Man, it's getting tough to pick the finalists for these. I did my best. Vote for your favorite below. And don't forget to check out the Clay Pigeon humor magazine when you're done.



Brad said...

Factoring in parts and labor, this was going to be the most expensive date Diesel had ever had.

Barry said...

"Hey c'mon Diesel! You said it was just going to be a bit of spanking and back to the script! Hey! Can you hear me? Look I'm using the safety word! Spaghetti!! Spaghetti!!"

ArmadilloTrader said...

"Diesel, I don't want to be lonely. Don't forget to make 'Iron Dog' when you're done."

Joel Bezaire said...

Dude, why are your hands always so damn cold?!?

.45 said...

"I think I'll give him a little something extra to satisfy the Iron Maiden."

stushie said...

Diesel realized he had drunk one too many when he was caught trying to milk Iron Man.

Jay said...

"Dang it! I never can remember which metric tools correspond with with standard tools. Curse me for buying a foreign car!"

Theresa said...

"You know, if you upgrade to stainless steel you won't keep having all these rust problems."

Jenny, Bloggess said...

The vasectomy was difficult but a success. There would be no more toaster-related paternity suits in Iron Man's future.

Deb on the Rocks said...

Diesel, next time YOU are the naughty cyborg and I'm the tool.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Listed on humor-blogs.com.

Caption Contest: Iron Man!

In case you're new around here, that's me fiddling around with Iron Man's torso. Submit your captions in the comments. I'll post the best ones in a poll on Tuesday.

Have fun and have a super weekend.

Listed on humor-blogs.com.

American Ingenuity

So I guess they killed off Captain America. Like, um, a year ago.

I'm a little late on this, because I haven't read comics for a while, and I never really did follow Captain America. I like the idea of Captain America, but he always seemed like a dull character to me. First, there's his secret identity: Steve Rogers. I mean, come on. Steve Rogers? What, was the name Jim Blandguy taken?

Captain America's origin isn't exactly inspiring either: As a young man, Steve volunteers to serve in the military during World War II, but is turned down because he is too weak and sickly. He is offered the opportunity to become a subject in a "super soldier" project. A prior subject has already been driven insane by the "super soldier" serum, but Steve lucks out: The serum greatly enhances his strength and reflexes, transforming him into a "nearly perfect human being." He is given the name Captain America, and sent off to fight the Nazis.

So, to recap, our plan for defeating the Nazis was to conduct horrifically dangerous experiments on civilians in an attempt to transform them from pathetic weaklings into perfect specimens of flag-waving Aryan humanity. Hard to see how a plan like that could fail.

The character isn't helped by the cutesy patriotic touches either, like how Steve Rogers was born on the Fourth of July and he had a girlfriend named -- no joke -- Betsy Ross. Now I can go along with the kind of inexplicable comic book synchronicity where the guy who becomes Dr. Octopus just happens to have been named Octavius, but at some point these gimmicks start to sound like the punchline of a bad joke:

Q: How patriotic is Captain America?
A: He's so patriotic that when he went inside the Statue of Liberty, he came in his shorts.

Then there are his "powers," which, well, he doesn't have any. Wikipedia says that "Captain America's strength, endurance, agility, speed, reflexes, and durability are at the highest limits of natural human potential," which is a tactful way of saying that he's as fast and strong as you can be without being, you know, superhuman. So basically he's Batman, except that instead of a utility belt filled with all kind of useful gadgets and a dark, scary costume that helps him blend into the night, he has red pirate boots and a big round shield that looks a lot like an archery target.

I'm not going to begrudge a superhero the use of medieval weaponry if that's the way he wants to go, but shouldn't he at least have a 2x4 with a nail in it or something to go with that shield? What was the discussion like that led to sending Steve to fight the Nazis using only his right fist and a big round shield? What did they expect him to do, other than draw fire?

At some point it occurred to Captain America that when you're fighting soldiers with machine guns, it would be really handy to have some sort of projectile weapon. So he took to throwing the shield, like a big vibranium frisbee that would carom off Nazi skulls with uncanny precision, taking out as many as four Nazis with a single toss. The trick, you see, is to get the Nazis to spread themselves out evenly like pinball bumpers, and then hit the first one at just the right angle. I always thought Captain America should have some sort of battle cry to go with the shield throwing, like "Oh, shit, I've thrown my shield!"

I mean, if the one thing keeping you from being riddled with Nazi bullets was your indestructible shield, would you go throwing it at people? You'd better be pretty damn good at the multiple target shield ricochet if you're going to do that, because if you miss just one Nazi, guess what? Now he's got a machine gun and an indestructible shield. Next thing you know, you're standing there with nothing but a big white star on your chest and a capital 'A' for Ass on your forehead, playing monkey in the middle with the Schutzstaffel.

(There is something to be said for the symbolism of Captain American throwing a defensive weapon at foreign enemies when he really should be holding onto it, but for some reason I doubt that the writers saw the irony.)

Captain America's popularity waned after the war ended. They tried to bring him back to fight the Communists, but that didn't go very well, probably because when you're fighting a cold war, a musclebound guy wearing a red, white and blue costume isn't your strongest asset. How do you even maintain a secret identity when you have to carry a big metal shield with you wherever you go? Steve Rogers must have had a pretty good cover story at the ready. "A shield? That's ridiculous. Of course it's not a shield. It's a, um, sled. I'm going sledding. After work. Where I work, at the, um, office building place."

The cold war got really cold for Cap at that point: He was frozen in suspended animation, to be reawakened into the Marvel Comics universe in 1964. He went on to lead the superhero group The Avengers, a group which at the time included Thor and Iron Man. For those of you who aren't familiar with these characters, that's like putting Dakota Fanning in charge of Mike Tyson and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

And now powers that be at Marvel have gone and killed Captain America. Well, technically they killed Steve Rogers. Apparently Captain America will live on, but with somebody else behind the mask. And it looks like this time they've given him a gun, which should liven things up a bit.

I for one look forward to seeing Captain America take down America's enemies by throwing his mighty gun at them.

If you enjoyed this post, may I also recommend: Don't Make Me Angry | An Open Letter to Sam Raimi | Superman Returns: The Unreleased Version Humor-blogs.com was driven insane by the super soldier serum.

Holy Captions, Batman!

Once again, my commenters have proven themselves to be the wittiest bunch of fawning sycophants on the web. Competition was fierce (particularly in the scatological and what's-he-doing- with-his-hands categories), but after much deliberation the captions were narrowed down to these:



No, I'm afraid the suit is not properly outfitted for rounds of "pocket pool", Mr. Diesel.

- Midleah

"Is there an opening for my...um...guano?"

- Brad

"He doesn't even HAVE any superpowers -- crap, he's behind me right now, isn't he?"

- carolinebender

"But Alfred, if I have to take my glasses off to get into the Batsuit, I'll be blind as a...oh."

- sparrow

Alfred: And what do we do when we fall, sir?

Diesel: We....stay down and cry for help?!?

- CrummyJoel

Alfred was less than impressed to find his new master playing with his 'Bat-Pole'.

- Lord Likely

"Hi, I'm the diesel fitter. You called?"

- crazy aunt bea

Diesel: Shouldn't the crotch bulge be significantly larger?

Alfred: *clears throat* Would sir like me to re-measure?

- Candace

I got it all put together... finally. Whew. And the only thing is, um, there was this...kind of hand like thing and, over there, and well, he doesn't have a hand. Sorry.

- proper_attire

Alfred: Well, you'll fit the suit. But you're no Michael Keaton.

- y not i


Crazy Aunt Bea once again made the finalists with an oh-so-fitting "diesel fitter" joke. She explained what a diesel fitter is to me one time (I think it had something to do with chickens), but now it's basically just funny because she does one every single time.

I also have to give a nod to zogmama for Most Obscure Mattress Police Reference:

Diesel: Well, as soon as you show proof you've completed the continuity test, Mr. Pennyworth, I'll be on my way. You DID get the special equipment, didn't you?

It didn't make the finalists because, well, I knew it would lose. It's only funny if you've read this.

Anyway, vote for your favorite. Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about the prophetic dream I had last night about Huey Lewis.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Listed on humor-blogs.com.

Caption Contest: The Dark Knight

How excited am I about The Dark Knight, the sequel to Batman Begins, coming to a theater near me this July? Well, considering that Batman Begins is the Greatest Movie of All Time, pretty excited. For about three hours after seeing Batman Begins, the only words I was capable of speaking were, "That was AWESOME." More importantly, it made me completely forget about Tim Burton's Beetleman, and nearly erased my memory of George Clooney's bionic nipples.

So I'm jumping the gun a bit with this one, but hey, did you really want to see me insert myself into the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? Nobody even wants to see Jason Lee in that movie.

You know the rules. Submit your caption(s) in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I'll post them in a poll on Tuesday. Have fun!



Oh, and in case you somehow missed my shameless hawking in every post over the past two weeks, today is the LAST DAY to get my book, Antisocial Commentary, for $9.95 with free shipping. Tomorrow it goes back up to $11.95 with $3.00 shipping. You're saving $5, which means that Huey and I are making virtually nothing on this book. Get it today for someone you love.

This post brought to you by humor-blogs.com.

Caption Contest Winners

This time the autographed digital photo goes to humor-blogs.com member The Drive-By Blogger. TDB, here's your award:



2nd place: Another humor-blogs.com member, Joel from Crummy Church Signs:

Spider man,
Spider man,
Does whatever a spider can.
Carries Diesel
Through the air
There must be more than friendship there.
Lookout! Here comes the Spiderman!


3rd place (tie): wyo

"Hey, Spidey! Do you know what this is? IT'S A BRAIN SUCKER! Do you know what it's doing? IT'S STARVING! Hahahaha! Oh grow up; it's just a joke."

3rd place (tie): Bluepaintred

"I shoot so much farther when you rub my head, diesel!"


I came in a pathetic 5th in my own contest. I claim fraud!

Thanks to everybody who submitted captions and/or voted. I'll be doing another one this Friday. Have a great weekend!

Vote!

Ok, Mrs. Diesel and I stayed up late last night picking the best captions. I read them to her in random order with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, and she picked the ones she liked the best. Initially she had a list of 15 favorites, but several of these were by the same two people. One of these people is better known for commenting on crummy church signs. The other is known for occasionally posting insightful commentary at Central Snark. Once she picked her favorites from each of those jokers, we were down to ten finalists.

The poll will be up until Friday night. I'll post the results on Saturday. Congratulations to the finalists and good luck to everyone, especially me!

Spider man,
Spider man,
Does whatever a spider can.
Carries Diesel
Through the air
There must be more than friendship there.
Lookout! Here comes the Spiderman!

- Joel Bezaire



"If you have a few moments, I'd like to talk to you about life insurance."

- The Drive-by Blogger



"Hey, Spidey! Do you know what this is? IT'S A BRAIN SUCKER! Do you know what it's doing? IT'S STARVING! Hahahaha! Oh grow up; it's just a joke."

- wyo

"I shoot so much farther when you rub my head, diesel!"

- Bluepaintred

It turned out to be a good thing, actually, that Chiropractoman attacked.Spiderman's fifth lumbar had been irking him all week.

- tina



"NOOGIE!!!"

- Robin

"Oh Spiderman, your head is sooo soft, what moisturising cream do you use?"

- Theresa

"Could you sit still, I'm trying to read the tag - wash with like colors...size XS..."

- rjlight

"Did you just web?"

- furiousBall

"And if I press right here, POW! The arms fly out!"

- Diesel

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Humor-blogs.com has your back.

An Open Letter to Sam Raimi

As you know from the most recent caption contest, I have an unnatural love for Spider-Man (by the way, get your captions in by tonight; I'll be posting a poll with Mrs. Diesel's favorites tomorrow). I finally got a chance to see Spider-Man 3 this weekend, and felt compelled to write this letter. I'd warn you that there are spoilers ahead, but I'm not sure it's even possible to spoil something this lousy.


Dear Mr. Raimi,

I've been a fan of Spider-Man as long as I can remember. I loved the comics as a kid. I watched the live action TV show in the seventies. I used to watch Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends on Saturday mornings in the 80s. In college I collected Spider-Man comics obsessively.

I've also been a big fan of yours. Darkman was a favorite of mine before anyone had heard of you, Francis McDormand or Liam Neeson. Army of Darkness is one of my all time favorites, as is Spider-Man 2. When Spider-Man 2 ended, I was tempted to sit there in the theater and wait for the next showing.

So believe me when I tell you this: Spider-Man 3 sucked.

Let's start with the black costume/Venom storyline. I'm not a comics purist; I couldn't care less that you didn't pursue the Beyonder planet/Secret Wars storyline. But your explanation for the black suit is that it fell from space? Just like that, 50 feet away from Peter Parker's scooter? WTF?

Then there's Kirsten Dunst, who's been living on borrowed time since Interview with a Vampire, as far as I'm concerned. In the comics, Mary Jane was a model. How hard is it to find someone in Hollywood who looks and acts like a model? She was tolerable as a love interest in the first two movies, but now you've gone and elevated her almost to a leading role. I mean, she plays an actress who gets fired for being a lousy performer, and she can't even pull that off. Hello? I have two words for all casting directors: Rachel McAdams. Any time you're tempted to cast Kirsten Dunst, Kate Bosworth, Katie Holmes or pretty much any other perky young thing, please cast Rachel McAdams instead. She's cute as a button, and can act the crap out of any of those other chicks.

Speaking of minor characters and subplots nobody gives a shit about, could you possibly include any more of them? It's like I was watching my entire adolescence of comic reading flash before my eyes: Sandman, Venom, J. Jonah Jameson, Robbie Robertson, Gwen Stacy, Captain Stacy, Green Goblin, Blue Goblin/Hobgoblin, Aunt May, Uncle Ben.... What, was Flash Thompson busy? And with the number of times that a character got "killed off" only to reappear later, I was half-expecting Gwen Stacy's clone to show up. I was going to joke that The Lizard was the only villain who hadn't checked in yet, but then I realized that The Lizard was in the movie: his alter ego is Peter Parker's one-armed physics (!) professor, Doc Connors.

And do I really need to give you a refresher on Spider-Man's powers? First of all, Spidey can't be blindsided by a guy on a flying skateboard. He can sense danger. It's called "Spider-sense," in case you've forgotten. And tell me, which of Spidey's powers allow his head to be used to shatter brick walls without him getting so much as a headache?

Any superhero movie is going to have its share of unlikely coincidences, but Spider-Man 3 stacks them up like some kind of super-powered version of Six Degrees of Separation. I mean, let me get this straight: In a city of eight million people, Peter Parker's rival at the Daily Bugle, Eddie Brock, also happens to be dating Gwen Stacy, a girl in Peter's physics class, who is the daughter of the police captain who is overseeing the investigation of the murder of Peter's uncle. Peter's uncle turns out to have been murdered by an escaped convict named Flint Marco, who has been transformed into Sandman, a supervillain who shows up during a ceremony in which Gwen thanks Spider-Man for saving her life during a freak crane accident. After Peter's physics professor, Dr. Connors (you remember, from his class with Gwen) advises him about the dangers of the alien suit, Peter fights off the suit only to have it fall on Eddie Brock (no, literally, it falls on him), who happens to be standing below. Brock is turned into Spider-Man's nemesis Venom, who then teams up with Sandman to kill Spidey. I live in a town of 12,000 people, and I sometimes go three months without running into that many people I know.

Let's see, what else. I'm trying to keep the whole "Peter Parker turns into the evil version of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever" storyline from settling in my long-term memory, so I'm going to skip over that completely.


There's Mary Jane's inexplicable break-up with Petey, prompted by some vague threats from Harry Osbourne, who is still inexplicably mad at Peter for killing his jerkwad father. There are Harry's three abrupt personality switches -- a bit much to ask of James Franco, who can on a good day manage only good-natured confusion. The last of these abrupt changes occurs when yet another minor character, Harry's butler Bernard, explains to Harry that oh, by the way, Spider-Man didn't actually kill your father. Hey, Bernard, you could have saved us all a lot of trouble if you had mentioned that like TWO HOURS AGO.

The Sandman storyline bothers me on about six different levels, setting aside his ridiculous origin ("We put a fence around that particle accelerator, it's not our fault someone fell in!"). First of all, making Flint Marco the real killer of Uncle Ben is lazy, cheap and unnecessary. And then there's Sandman's apology to Peter at the end. "Gee, Pete, I'm real sorry about turning into a giant sand-monster and trying to crush you with my gigantic sand-fists, but I really needed some money because my daughter is sick or something. Come to think of it, nothing I've done in this movie makes much sense. I'll just anticlimactically blow away in the wind now." And if you're going to try to make Sandman a relatable character by giving him a sick daughter, maybe you could actually follow through on that storyline. What happened to the daughter? You could at least have summarily killed her off like you did with all the other characters we were sick of after 2 and a half hours.

The plot makes virtually no sense, which makes it even more puzzling that you included so many dull expository scenes. I love Aunt May as much as anyone, but holy crap do I really need to hear about how Uncle Ben proposed to her while they were in their bathing suits? And then, when you actually needed a transition to explain how Peter and Mary Jane managed to overcome their problems and get back together, you fudge it with a lame romantic scene. It wouldn't have taken that much, you know. Something along the lines of "Hey, I know you lied to me about being involved with Harry because he was inspired by the ghost of his mad scientist father to threaten to kill me, and I only punched and humiliated you and acted like a total ass-hat because I was possessed by an evil alien costume from outer space, so let's say we're even and make sweet spider-love. Will you marry me with this ring that my Aunt May gave me, assuming I can get the image of her in her bathing suit out of my head by staying really drunk for the next several days?"

Having seen Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, not to mention the rest of your work, I can't even fathom how you were capable of foisting such a shit-bomb on us. Dude, The Quick and the Dead was better than this, and that had Sharon Stone in it. The best part of this movie was Bruce Campbell's cameo. I'd rather watch a movie featuring his French waiter character than sit through something like this again. I'll admit it's not the worst superhero movie I've seen, but if it weren't for the sheer likability of most of your cast, you'd be a couple of spider-nipples away from Batman and Robin territory here. Trust me, I don't bring up the-movie-that-must-not-be-named lightly. Don't make me do it again.

I don't know what's happened to you. I can only assume that a big black slimy ball of money fell from the heavens and is using your movie-making abilities for evil. I urge you to fight it off and redeem yourself with the next installment. Short of that, hand the reins to Bryan Singer, Christopher Nolan or even -- shudder -- Brett Ratner. The future of our children depends on it.



Humor-blogs.com inexplicably fell to earth from outer space INTO a particle accelerator.

Caption Contest: Spider-Man!

I almost scrapped this pic, because I'm afraid of what y'all are going to do with it. But laziness won out over caution and respectability, so here we are. Just keep in mind that originality is a factor, so if you notice a lot of people submitting captions with the same [ahem] theme, you might want to go the other way, so to speak. And again, let's try to keep this in the PG-13 range; my mom reads this blog.

A couple other changes this week, in addition to the oddly suggestive photo. First, some of you who submit multiple captions have accused me of not selecting your best caption for the finalists. So this week I'm going to have Mrs. Diesel do the selecting. And she's going to do it blind: I'll read her the captions and she will select her favorites. If there are duplicates from the same submitter, I'll make her pick one of them.

Second, others have accused me of doing these caption contests because I'm too lazy to come up with my own content. So how's this for lazy: After the submission deadline, I'm going to submit at least 10 captions for the photo myself, and throw them into the mix. Mrs. Diesel won't know which ones are mine, so I'll be competing along with y'all. Except, of course, that I'm at a disadvantage because I don't get to submit my captions until all the obvious ones are taken. The odds are heavily against me winning, but if I do win then you all have to give me your souls. Fair's fair.

Ok, so here's the photo. You know the drill. Submit your caption in the comments by this Tuesday at 9pm PDT. Mrs. Diesel will pick her favorites and I'll post a poll on Wednesday. The winner, as usual, gets a signed digital copy of the photo. Unless it's me, in which case I get that plus your souls.




Humor-blogs.com was bitten by a radioactive border collie and now it dreams about chasing birds all night.

A Bunch of Weird Things About Me

So I had this great idea for a post about how Spider-Man is the Antichrist, but I couldn't come up with any evidence except this:



Which is probably enough for these guys, but I was hoping to find something a little more damning. But let's face it, Spider-Man is just a pretty decent guy.

And then I had this idea for an offshoot of the scrapbooking line Creative Memories called "Painful Memories." There would be themes like "Nobody Understands Me", "Alone Again", and "Don't Take Pictures of Daddy When He's Drinking." I was going to come up with all kinds of depressing backgrounds with barbed wire, broken glass, Edward Gorey prints, etc. But after working on it for an hour, I realized that it was more depressing than funny. Between that, watching 2 hours of Battlestar Galactica and reading three chapters of Fast Food Nation, I had some pretty interesting nightmares that night. So I had to scrap the that idea as well.

Since I'm running short on material, I'm going to post Six Weird Things About Me, despite the fact that no one has tagged me (probably because the last person who tagged me found out I'm not so good at following rules). Speaking of not being able to follow rules, unlike some people whose idea of something weird is "I don't like vegetables," there are so many weird things about me that I found it impossible to limit the list to six.

So without further ado I present A Bunch of Weird Things About Me. You may suspect, after reading some of these, that I have a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome. You may be right.

• By coincidence, I live next door to a guy I went to high school with. Which wouldn't be weird, except that I live in California and went to high school in Michigan.
• I've always been bad at managing finances. I've never balanced a checkbook in my life. I'm also my church's treasurer.
• Both of my parents were English professors. My B.A. is in philosophy. Currently I'm pursuing a master's degree in the humanities. And I've never voted for a Democrat.
  
• When I feel lonely, I get a physical pain in my right hand (insert onanism joke here).
  
• Despite disliking math, never having taken a computer programming class, and majoring in philosophy, I spent the last 8 years as a computer programmer.
• I have a serious aversion to cheap velvet. Real, nice, velvet is ok, but that cheap velour/velveteen/whatever stuff totally gives me the creeps. I can hardly even write about it, it creeps me out so bad.
• I saw a UFO when I was 9. It looked like a profile view of the planet Saturn, but it was glowing orange and moving randomly about the sky. Eventually I got bored with it and went inside.
• I have a habit of calling my wife and children by whatever nickname pops into my head. Bubbles, Giggles, Goober, Bobo, Wuzzles, whatever. Anything except their actual name or something normal, like "honey."
• I got a perfect score on the verbal section of the GRE.
  
• I love imagining things twirling around, like a rock on a piece of string. I like the idea of centrifugal motion.
  
• I often experience sleep paralysis. Sometime I mostly wake up but am unable to move or even open my eyes. With great effort I can manage to move my head and eventually get my eyes open. It's generally pretty terrifying.
  
• I have a recurring nightmare that there was an error with my high school transcript so I have to go back to take one more class. I've had it so many times that at least once I've explained to the principal in the dream, "You don't understand. This is just like a dream that I keep having."
  
• I obsessively count in my head to time myself when I'm feeling impatient with a routine task, like walking to my car or washing my hands.
• I'm ridiculously healthy. I've had fewer than one cold per year for the last five years.
  
• There are certain phrases that I automatically use as a sort of mantra to distract myself whenever my mind drifts to an unpleasant or embarrassing memory. I seem to use the same phrase for several years in a row. Currently the phrase is "Let's say I've got fifty grand and I drop twenty."
• I find it very difficult to work without music playing. I generally listen to music all day every day.
  
• I dislike what I call "purposeless" physical contact. Hugs, kisses, and handshakes are fine, but I have a hard time sitting right next to someone on a couch. I absolutely cannot "spoon." Well, I could, but I'd be awake all night.
  
• I can hold my breath for 4 minutes.
• At 6' 2", I'm the shortest of my parents' three children. None of us can play basketball worth a darn.
• I wear size 13 shoes.
• I have a hard time focusing on what someone is saying for more than about 12 seconds. My mind automatically starts thinking about something else when someone talks. Despite this, I can generally remember the main points of a sermon or lecture better than most people. I just can't remember details, like when I'm supposed to take the roast out of the freezer.
  
• I can draw superheroes really well. Unfortunately, that's about all I can draw.
• I can do impressions of Kermit the Frog, Ernie from Sesame Street, and Sean Connery.
  
• My first, middle and last names each have six letters. 6-6-6, just like Ronald Wilson Reagan.
• I believe that there are very few foods that can't be improved by adding either raisins or bacon. I add raisins to my ham and cheese sandwiches.
• I've never left North America.
• Despite being known for my sense of humor and inability to take anything seriously, I've suffered from fairly severe depression since about the fifth grade. I'm fine now; I'm on medication. Thanks for asking.
• I have a very low threshold for breaking into tears. This trait is exaggerated by my depression, but it seems to be a separate physiological phenomena. I've never known another man who cries as easily as I do. It's kind of a pain in the ass, to tell you the truth.
• I seem to trigger false alarms with those theft-protection devices at stores at an unusually high rate. It's gotten to the point where I walk in a store, the alarm goes off, and I state loudly, "It's just me!" It could be my cell phone or something, but my wife has the same phone and it doesn't seem to happen to her.

Weird enough for you?

Mattress Tags: Six Weird Things

Superman Returns: The Unreleased Version

In Superman Returns, the Man of Steel reappears on Earth after a mysterious five year absence, during which he supposedly searched in vain for remnants of his home world, Krypton. We are led to believe that he was unable to find anything left of Krypton, but I have learned from highly placed sources at Warner Brothers that this aspect of the film was actually altered drastically during editing to make it shorter and more palatable to viewers. I have gotten my hands on the original script of the movie, which details Superman's trip to Krypton. An unedited excerpt appears below.

EXT. KRYPTON CITY. DAY.

Exotic buildings glitter in the ruddy glow of Krypton's red sun. A SPACE BUS marked "KRYPTON EXPRESS" lands at a SPACE BUS STOP. The doors open and several passengers wearing business suits exit. Among them is SUPERMAN, looking tired after a long journey. The bus takes off and the passengers disperse, leaving Superman standing alone at the bus stop with STEVE, a shabbily dressed homeless Kryptonian.

STEVE

Whoah, what's with the fancy duds, man?

SUPERMAN

Oh, it's sort of a costume. I'm Superman.

STEVE

Nice. I like the black and red.

SUPERMAN

It's actually blue and red. It just looks black in this light.

STEVE

What's "blue"?

SUPERMAN

Forget it. Can you tell me how to get to get to the El residence?

STEVE

You mean Jor-El? Sure, I can tell you how to get there. He's my uncle.

SUPERMAN

Your uncle? Then you must be....

STEVE

I'm Steve-El. Todd-El's kid.

SUPERMAN

Steve! It's me, your cousin Kal!

STEVE

Kal? Holy crap, I haven't seen you since you were a baby! Where the heck have you been?

SUPERMAN

My dad sent me to Earth.

STEVE

Earth? What the heck for?

SUPERMAN

I guess he thought Krypton was going to explode.

STEVE

Explode! That's crazy!

SUPERMAN

He used to watch a lot of the Krypton 700 Club with Pat-Ro.

STEVE

Wow. He always was a little nuts. Lately he's been wandering around in his bathrobe muttering something about "the horror."

SUPERMAN

So nothing here exploded?

STEVE

Just the real estate market. If your dad had bought you a condo in Krypton City instead of a spaceship....

SUPERMAN

I know, I know. Don't remind me.

STEVE

So what were you doing on Earth?

SUPERMAN

Oh, defeating supervillains, reversing the spin of the planet on its axis to turn back time, that sort of thing.

STEVE

Seriously?

SUPERMAN

Oh yeah, I'm kind of a big deal on Earth.

STEVE

How did you manage that?

SUPERMAN

Check this out: On earth Kryptonians have super-powers.

STEVE

No shit?

SUPERMAN

No shit.

STEVE

Like what?

SUPERMAN

Try flight, for starters. That's how I got here. Well, I had to take a bus the last few million miles because of the red sun....

STEVE

The red sun interferes with your powers?

SUPERMAN

Well, I get my powers from a yellow sun.

STEVE

Any yellow sun?

SUPERMAN

Pretty much.

STEVE

And there have got to be...

SUPERMAN

Millions of them, yeah.

STEVE

So if I had been born on basically any other planet than Krypton...?

SUPERMAN

You'd have super-powers, right. Ironic, isn't it? We were born on the one planet where our super-powers don't work.

STEVE

Man, we got screwed.

SUPERMAN

That's not the half of it. You know those green crystals that are all over this place?

STEVE

Death Rock, you mean?

SUPERMAN

Yeah, Death Rock. Believe it or not, Krypton is the only place in the galaxy that has it. The only way those chumps on earth have a chance against me is if they somehow get their hands on some of that stuff. They call it "kryptonite." Speaking of which, if Krypton didn't explode, where are those kryptonite meteors coming from?

STEVE

Oh man, Krypton's scientists have been shooting Death Rock at Earth by the ton. Trying to get rid of it, you know. I don't think they knew you were there.

SUPERMAN

I should hope not.

STEVE

So what other powers do you have?

SUPERMAN

See that building over there?

STEVE

Don't tell me you could leap over that building.

SUPERMAN

I could pick that building up and throw it into the sun.

STEVE

No freaking way.

SUPERMAN

I'm dead serious. Bullets bounce right off of me. I can see through anything except lead. Oh and I can make laser beams shoot from my eyes. Anyway, enough about me. What have you been up to?

STEVE

Well, I got laid off from my job as a Phantom Zone guard, so lately I've been reassessing things. I've got an application in for a job removing Death Rock insulation from old buildings.

SUPERMAN

Wow. Sounds like you've really, ah, done well for yourself.

STEVE

If I get the job, I could put in a good word for you.

SUPERMAN

Nah, that's ok. Actually, I've got a bus to catch.

STEVE

But you just got here. I thought you were going to see Jor-El.

SUPERMAN

I just remembered something I need to take care of.

STEVE

Really? What?

SUPERMAN

Well, I should probably check to see if they need me on Earth. September 10, 2001 was a long time ago. I have high hopes for the Bush administration to make some real progress toward world peace.

STEVE

Hmmm...

SUPERMAN

Oh, I also meant to cash in my Enron stock before I left. I should get back before the market peaks.

STEVE

Ok, well come back soon and let me know how it goes.

SUPERMAN

I'll sure try. You know how hard it is to get away from the yellow sun.


Listed on humor-blogs.com

Don't Make Me Angry

Ok, I swear this is the last superhero post for a while. I promise I'll move on to something else equally juvenile after today. For today, though, I have a special treat for you: I actually did my own illustration to go along with my post about the Hulk. Yes, the amateurish drawing below may be the worst illustration I've used so far, but at least I won't get sued for using it. Unless it sucks so bad that Marvel Comics requests an injunction. Anyway, on with the post.



The Incredible Hulk is different from most superheroes in that Bruce Banner* can't control when he turns into the Hulk. I guess Diana Prince couldn't fully control her transormation into Wonder-Woman either, but she was safe as long as she didn't turn around too fast. I think the idea was originally to make the Hulk sort of an anti-hero Jekyll-and-Hyde type guy. Remember how sad he looked, walking along the side of the road at the end of each show, hoping that the next leap would be the leap home? Wait, I think I'm confused. Anyway, it was really sad.

The problem with the Hulk concept is that despite his "curse", the Hulk's super-strength always came in pretty handy for old Doc Banner. You'd think that after the seventeenth time the Hulk saved his ass, he'd rethink his quest for a "cure" for his condition. I wish I could turn into the Hulk when somebody pissed me off. Like I'd be in a meeting, explaining what was going to happen when we rolled out an application that I'd been working on for six months, and somebody would say, "Whoah, we can't have it do that." And I'd say, "But that's exactly what you said you wanted it to do in the requirements meeting back in June." And then they'd say, "Mmmmmm no, you must have misunderstood." And then I'd say, "Oh, did I misunderstand it when I wrote it up in a requirements document and sent it to you to review six months ago?" And they'd say, "Oh, I guess I didn't read that." And then I'd turn into the Hulk and rip out their spine through their abdomen. Or maybe just toss them through a paper-mache wall. Still, they'd get the idea.

Of course then everybody would know I was the Hulk, and they'd always be trying to get me to turn into the Hulk at parties and stuff. They'd be like, "Hey dude, did you hear that France has outlawed Arnold Schwarzenegger movies?" And I'd be like, "Oh no they didn't." And they'd be like, "Dude, it's totally true. That's just how evil they are." And I'd be like, "Pansy French bastards!" And they'd be like, "Yeah, doesn't that just make you SOOOOO angry?" And then I'd be like, "Hey, you're just trying to get me to turn into the Hulk again, like that time you told me Michael Moore was suing McDonald's for making him weigh 400 pounds." And they'd be like, "Oh come on, just do it. We brought a change of clothes for you."

Because if you were the Hulk, you'd go through a lot of clothes. I bet that's why he was so desperate for a cure. Remember, this was in the days before Costco, so he couldn't just buy 40 polyester-blend button-downs at a time. That's probably why he always had to hitch-hike too. You can't afford a car when you're shelling out $500 a week for new clothes. If I were him, I'd have just had a special Hulk-suit made out of whatever material was in his waistband. Talk about super-powers, he could have patented that waistband material. I mean, I have to unbutton my pants when I have too many yams at Thanksgiving, but his waistband could easily stretch to fit a man three times his size. And yet, those boot-cut slacks would split at the ankles. Curious.

I'd probably turn into the Hulk at really inappropriate times. Like the other day I dropped my tuna melt on the floor, so the cheese slid off and got all yucky. Man, I was so mad that I'd have turned into the Hulk for sure if I had it in me. Next thing I'd know, I'd wake up dazed and shirtless in my neighbor's orchard, craving a tuna melt but finding only rubble where my house had been. And that would make me so mad I'd turn into the Hulk again and smash the rubble into smaller rubble. This cycle would continue until I was too hungry and worn out to turn into the Hulk any more, and I'd have to drag my half-naked ass to Arby's for a Roast Beef and Cheddar. And the guys at Arby's would recognize me and be like, "Oh, we can't sell those any more because of the Michael Moore lawsuit." And I'd be like, "Guys, I'm not in the mood. Just give me the friggin' sandwich."


*He was actually named "David Banner" on the TV show, because the producers thought the alliteratively comic-booky "Bruce Banner" would detract from the serious tone of the show (In a way that a Lou Ferrigno covered in green powder breaking through styrofoam bricks did not, presumably).

A Conversation Overheard in the Batcave

Robin: Hey, Batman, can I ask you a question?
Batman: Sure, Robin. What's up?
Robin: What's the thinking behind the whole bat motif?
Batman: Good question! Well, my youg protegee, the idea is to strike fear into the hearts of criminals.
Robin: You mean because bats are scary. Kind of creepy and mysterious.
Batman: Exactly.
Robin: Makes sense. You wouldn't want to pick some kind of timid, innocuous creature for your avatar.
Batman: Yep, I made the right choice there.
Robin: And the color scheme?
Batman: Same deal. It's got to be dark to be scary.
Robin: Right, right. And I suppose it makes it harder to see you in the dark.
Batman: Indeed. Perfect camouflage.
Robin: Not like a brightly colored suit that anybody could see a mile off.
Batman: That's right. Don't want to get shot. This is a dangerous business.
Robin: Good thinking. And, ah, the tights? Are they just for show?
Batman: Of course not. They also keep me nice and warm in the cold Gotham winters.
Robin: Yeah, you'd have to be nuts to run around in your skivvies.
Batman: Can you imagine? Plus I'd look hella gay. Not exactly frightening.
Robin: Heh, heh. Yeah. And the mask? Is that for effect?
Batman: Mostly, but it also helps hide my identity. Gotta cover most of the face to keep from getting recognized.
Robin: Uh huh. And the cape? Any reason it has to be so big?
Batman: Oh man, this thing's a lifesaver. You have no idea how many times I've taken a header off a twenty story building with only my bat-cape to break my fall.
Robin: Can't get that kind of protection from a flimsy little yellow dishrag of a cape.
Batman: You've said a mouthful there, buddy.
Robin: I suppose it helps to have an indestructible vehicle.
Batman: Oh yeah, the Batmobile could take a direct hit from a rocket launcher. That thing's like a tank.
Robin: Ever thought of trading it in for something a little more nimble, like a motorcycle?
Batman: Good lord, no. Do you have any idea how vulnerable you are on a motorcycle? Any idiot with a slingshot could kill you on a motorcycle. You know, Robin, despite all the training I've given you, sometimes I think you're none too bright.

Superfreaky

I'm a superhero freak. Er, I mean I love superheroes, not that I'm superhumanly freakish. I am, but that's a topic for another post.

The whole avenging crusader bit? Sign me up. The mild mannered paper shuffler turned nocturnal ass-kicker bit? Oh yeah. The normal-guy-gets-bitten-by-a-radioactive- mongoose-and-acquires-superhuman-mongoose-related-abilities bit? Oh hell yes. I eat it up, all of it.

One thing I don't understand though is why there is such a limited variety of superhuman abilities. Sure, there are different configurations, but it's like these superheroes are all ordering from the same menu: "I'll take flight, superhuman strength, and a side of adamantium claws." The only difference between the Hulk and the Thing is a quarter turn on the color wheel. And the only difference between Spider-man and Daredevil is that Spiderman can tell which one is the Thing without feeling him up.

Take the show Heroes, for example. There's a guy who can fly, a guy who can see the future, a chick who's indestructible, etc. Ho-hum. I'd like to see some more practical abilities. Like how about a guy who can tell exactly what ingredients are in any food that he eats. How amazing would that be? "Sorry, Colonel, but your obfuscation is no match for SuperTaster. I will now reveal to the world all eleven herbs and spices!" Or how about a guy who can fall asleep at will during lousy romantic comedies and then wake up precisely when the ending credits start. Think of the pleasant dreams you could have substituted for Failure to Launch. "How did you like the movie, sweetie?" "Oh, it was fantastic! I especially liked the part where robots ate Margaret Thatcher's face."

My wife is a good example of someone with underrated superhuman abilities. One of her powers is the ability to fit an infinite number of dishes into a dishwasher. Have you ever had too many dishes to fit into your dishwasher? Well bring 'em to my house, because I guarantee my wife can find room for them somewhere between the potato peeler and the ice cream scoop. I don't know how she does it; I think maybe a wormhole is involved.

Another of her abilities is knowing exactly what I'm going to say ten minutes from now. Apropos of nothing she'll say, "Ok, go ahead and say it." And I'll sit there dimly wondering what she's talking about for ten minutes and then I'll say something that I think is really clever, and she'll say, "Geez, it took you long enough."

Her greatest power, however, is the ability to know where everything in our house is, no matter how insignificant it is or how long it's been since she's seen it. "Honey," I'll say, "Have you seen that gummy bear that I had stuck to my face last Christmas?" And she'll say, "It's on the second shelf in the pantry, behind the Ritz crackers."

Now that's a freak.